From the author: My article from the printed issue of the magazine “Health for All” April 2016What is stress and how can you cope with stress? A topic for reflection from psychotherapist Olga PAKHOMOVA. Stress, by definition, is a state of mental tension that occurs in a person during activities in difficult conditions, both in everyday life and in special extreme conditions. There is a risk group - people who are especially susceptible to stress . First of all, it includes those who work very hard and sleep little. They load themselves with some unrealistic goals: they need to manage two jobs, and everything at home must shine, and their children’s homework must be completed with straight A’s, and for lunch they need to set the whole range of dishes from the first, second and third ... As a rule, these are maximalist perfectionists from former excellent students. Men are also not spared from stress, but they usually don’t bother themselves with everyday worries, but overload their psyches with the pursuit of visible success and status - it’s scary to be worse than others, not cool and successful enough... although this is about women too. There are people with obvious low self-esteem, and they are obviously under constant stress, since their consciousness works in negative mode. By and large, with birth, nature gives us a good resource. A small child, without hesitation, openly looks strangers in the eyes, smiles, takes what he needs - everything is fine with him. But in most cases, unfortunately, he is brought up too hard: it’s so ugly, it’s impossible, you’re making noise, what will people say? everyone is looking at you, they will think that you are ill-mannered... For years, everyone and everywhere has been driving this into his head. A person grows up in fear that he may become a hindrance to someone, will be inconvenient for someone, entangles himself hand and foot and suppresses any desires and will to action in order for his mother to be happy, deserves with his behavior that feel needed and loved. He sits and waits for instructions. Such a person is very convenient for society. What remains for him? How will he be happy if he cannot allow himself to think about what is interesting to him?! He is overloaded solely with concern for making others comfortable in his presence. This is stress, and long-term stress. Pensioners are also definitely at risk for stress conditions. Take, for example, the fact that most of them have not such an enviable income, which is why the fear of an impending catastrophe continues. This in itself is constant stress. And the loneliness of many older people is also a reason for stress. Children may live separately, and they often do not have time to visit their parents; parents feel not as needed as before. Sadly. And, unfortunately, often. A person has devoted his entire life to his children, they have grown up, he remains out of business - so what?.. Should he wait or demand grandchildren? This, of course, can prolong the period of feeling one’s own relevance. What if there are no grandchildren or they are far away or the relationship with the children is not the best? It also happens that a mother expects dedication from her adult daughter or son and demands maximum attention to herself, behaves capriciously and helplessly like a child, not noticing that she is destroying a healthy family hierarchy. When the mission is completed, the person no longer feels needed and then the body begins to work towards self-destruction. Turning on desires Ideally, you should initially allow yourself to love yourself, not only your children and husband. And take care not only of the affairs of others, but also of your own. The question is, how can you change your mind if your mother has been accustomed to giving herself to a loved one for 20 years - and suddenly reorient herself to someone else, even if that other person is herself?! Is this really possible, because it’s difficult to rebuild yourself overnight. It’s not easy, but the situation is much sadder when the mother of a 20-year-old daughter continues, figuratively speaking, to wipe her nose. Then it will be difficult for both the daughter and the mother. For a grown-up daughter, these actionsthey will only push me away, and my mother will be offended: how can this be, I have no other meaning in life. To whom and what is the joy in this then? Everything will be normal if the adult daughter minds her own affairs and communicates with her boyfriend, and the mother is busy with her own affairs and her man. Isn’t it good that the time comes when you can completely refocus attention on yourself and on your husband, who was previously deprived of this? But even my mother’s beloved husband does not have the only meaning in life. Does she have something to do, what burns her soul? Simply a hobby? Usually our hobbies are what makes our eyes shine. Often we see that a woman, immersed in work, unsuccessfully tries to find meaning in her activities. But for the majority, work, unfortunately, is no more than a means of material satisfaction; the pleasure of work comes in second place after its monetary component. Therefore, pleasure as a remedy against stress can be found in another way - through a hobby. It is known: not everyone knows what he wants (especially a comfortable and very well-mannered person - see above). We are all born unable to sing, and even those who have the ability to sing are no exception. Everything comes when we learn, and it is never too late to learn. Someone will say: I would like to dance, but where at this age?! But another woman, essentially the same age, does not look at her age, but dances for herself and finds satisfaction in it. It's never too late to turn on this desire to live for yourself. Without burying your head in the sand... People are usually recommended to do meditation or yoga as a way to escape stress. These are exactly the means by which you can normalize the emotional background. However, not everyone knows these techniques. Others simply do not accept them. What should I do? To watch movie? Pick up a book? But when you're stressed, things aren't pretty. Watching a movie or reading books is just a distraction. Drinking is also a way to escape from reality, from your mental pain and feelings of hopelessness. So to speak, the ostrich way is to bury yourself in something so as not to see this stress at least for a while. But the fact that in a family, for example, there is an unresolved conflict and tense relationships, this still persists, and the ostrich pose does not solve the problem in any way. Yes, a person either turns away from the problem and tries not to see it, or turns his face to his partner, a loved one, openly saying: “Our relationship is dear to me, I feel this and that, I want us to have love and friendship, I ready to do this and that. What are you ready to do for your part? Let's think together." This is a promising option. What is stress? This is a vital stimulus when you need to overcome a difficult situation, some obstacle that prevents you from living the way you want. I can't cope with something. The body gives a signal: something is wrong, and a resource is allocated, additional adrenaline, so that there is strength to solve this situation. So we need to solve it. And if you suppress it, then this adrenaline will remain unspent. As it accumulates, it can create conditions for aggravating the state of stress, which can lead to depression, insomnia and other psychosomatic illnesses. Look to the root The famous psychotherapist Jure Bihonski told his students this story. A woman came to him for consultation with a complaint that she was unable to cope with depression. And a request from her: “Please cure me of depression.” During therapy, it turns out that she has been living with her husband for 20 years, who constantly beats her. The source of depression has been revealed, but what is the point of treating it if the root cause is not eliminated? The woman was told: “You weren’t beaten enough. Come back in another 20 years.” If a person allows himself to be beaten for 20 years, it means he needs it for some reason. And what is the point of treating depression if this woman comes home, gets beaten again and “gets depressed” again? You must be able to take care of yourself, and if you are beaten, do everything possible, but not allow it. Or just save yourself. People often live “under time pressure” and not always under stress.