Psychology distinguishes between fusion (where there is no “I”, there is “we”, no differences, no separate needs of any of the participants, no clarification of boundaries, there is a single whole) and intimacy. Intimacy is possible between two separate, different people. In merging there is no intimacy, there is dissolution. Intimacy is the opportunity to be close without losing yourself. Feeling separate from the other, but allowing him to touch you and yourself to touch him. There is vulnerability in intimacy. Vulnerability. The risk and danger of experiencing pain, losing, being injured, or being hurt. Intimacy is a labor of mind, heart and soul. The work of hearing oneself, understanding oneself, conveying to another, the work of experiencing this meeting, coping with these experiences. Coping does not mean suppressing. From suppression and repression comes codependency or counterdependence. A meeting of two different things. This cannot be safe by definition. Intimacy cannot be made safe! It is safe only in armor, in a fortress, in a tank or at a great distance. Going to a psychologist to make intimacy safe for you will not work. Rather, you can learn to LIVE the emotions and feelings that this closeness evokes. Fear, shame, anger, joy, pleasure, sadness. We jump into merging, unable to withstand intimacy. So as not to notice the differences, so as not to be faced with the difference in your needs and opinions. “I am you, you are me, and we don’t need anyone” - the need to return to the womb. What is called love and intimacy is often the desire to become a child, or an embryo in a mother’s belly. I once had a simple and meaningful message from a seminar on body-oriented therapy, where we covered the topic of boundaries. They depicted to us in the form of two balls the path from complete merging with the mother to separation, how the child gradually finds his boundaries. So, from there it was imprinted in me that in a “healthy” version a person is capable of both merging and separateness. If we avoid separation and seek only merging, this is codependency, when a person is not in contact with his own needs, body, boundaries, anger. If we avoid merging and tolerate only separateness, this is counter-dependence, fear of absorption, disappearance, or the fear of being abandoned is so strong that I won’t let you get close. Both avoid intimacy. Codependents - through merging, so that there is no one to get closer to, you must immediately become one. Counterdependents - through strict boundaries, separation, keeping the other at a distance. In general, intimacy is a difficult thing to bear. Scary, dangerous, risky. Interesting. A thing for adults. Requiring a certain level of mental health (or movement towards it) and maturity.