In the last article we touched on the healthy processes of developing responsibility and feelings of guilt in a child. But, unfortunately, it is far from uncommon when these processes are disrupted, and guilt and responsibility become methods of manipulation. Anxiety in some parents does not sleep and requires control and fixation of others, primarily children, in strictly designated points of time and space. And the feeling of guilt is an excellent mechanism for this, because it is tied to the most vital thing for a child - attachment, which is backed by security. Remember, I wrote about this in “You Must!”, how a manipulator takes on the role of the state, replacing individual concept of public duty? This is what happens here too. The parent takes on the role of the state and replaces the responsibility of the child, as the author and initiator of his actions, with obligations to himself, the parent, as to the law and the ultimate truth. Moreover, according to the law, he is responsible for the child until he is 18 years old, so why not combine business with pleasure? It is from here that “You must” is born, which is equated to the concept of responsibility. As a result, the child’s action, which causes the parent’s displeasure, automatically violates the child’s obligations to the parent and makes the child responsible not only for the “wrong” action itself, but for the entire situation as a whole – both for the emotional reaction of the parent, and for the consequences of this action, and for the qualities/abilities/previous mistakes of the child that led to this action, and so on. The parent means that the child is responsible = guilty, and the child believes the parent, and in his understanding a chain is formed: “The parent determines what I am responsible for” = “I must” = “If I do not do as he said, I am guilty” = “I will be punished.” This is repeated several times, and the very possibility of the appearance of feelings of guilt begins to frighten the child to the point of horror, because rejection looms behind him. That's it - the child is fixed! Fear of guilt, read - fear of rejection, reliably keeps the child from further spontaneous manifestations or rash actions that could provoke his exit from the merger. After all, do you remember that guilt is a feeling that arises at its border? The child remains in a fusion that is safe for the parent, where the parent is in charge, where his rules, requirements are and his needs are met, and aggression, as well as the spontaneous, unexpected needs of the child, causing the parent has anxiety, are excluded. There are no boundaries between parent and child in the merger, there is only “We”. The child remains in a sense of his own limitlessness and omnipotence, therefore, without a shadow of a doubt, he considers himself the root cause of everything that happens - responsible for everything and to blame for everything. But the fact that boundaries are not recognized and respected does not mean that they do not exist. Therefore, a lot of aggression, not recognized by the parent and suppressed by the child, accumulates in these relationships. There is such an expression - “identified patient.” This is just such a child - it is clearly clear with whom in this family “something is wrong” and who needs to be treated so that the family can finally become calm. The question “Why do I have THIS child and isn’t this my share of responsibility?” the parent doesn't even ask. At this price, anxiety is reduced, painful doubts are removed and certainty is achieved. Actually, this is the goal, so there is no talk of compensation or atonement for the damage, even if it was caused. The child’s task is to take the blame and repent. This is enough - there is no responsibility on the parent, the illusion of certainty and the illusion of solving the problem are created, anxiety is reduced, the parent can breathe out calmly. And the child’s conscience, instead of an internal regulator, becomes an internal supervisor who continues to perform the functions of a parent even in his absence. It turns out that a person gives up autonomy and accepts the burden of responsibility in exchange for affection, that is, for satisfying his needs for +7-916-48-2-48-33