From the author: Very often, low or unstable self-esteem is identified as the main cause of a person’s psychological problems. Having made such a diagnosis, you can hardly make a mistake. But it is quite natural that the question arises: “What can be done about this?” Very often, low or unstable self-esteem is identified as the main cause of a person’s psychological problems. Having made such a diagnosis, you can hardly make a mistake. But it is quite natural that the question arises: “What can be done about this?” How can you increase respect and trust in yourself, how can you regain your confidence, how can you believe in yourself? A short answer to these questions may sound something like this: You need to develop personal and social reflection. Later in this article we will try to give more detailed answers. Self-esteem is not a disease, it is only an indicator of our well-being. If we notice that we have an elevated body temperature, we understand that the body is under the influence of some external factors: viruses or “germs.” Having discovered that we have low self-esteem, we can assume that in our psyche and consciousness there has been a disruption of some settings. Some external factors made us feel inferior or unsure of ourselves. We can say that low self-esteem is a signal that we have not established the right relationships with others and with ourselves. We are doing something wrong; we incorrectly evaluate and understand what is happening. For example, if a quite pretty girl considers herself ugly , then she does not notice that some people are paying attention to her, she incorrectly explains to herself the reactions from other people that she receives. Eric Berna wrote: “Being beautiful is not a question of anatomy, but of parental permission.” If you look at the situation from Eric Berne’s point of view, we can say that the parents imposed on the girl in her childhood the wrong attitude towards herself. Armed with this means of self-analysis, she began to behave with others as if she really were ugly. Of all the reactions of the people around her, she noticed only those that corresponded to her expectations, that is, they confirmed her “ugliness.” Thus, self-esteem, like body temperature, is not a real human problem. Dislike for oneself or lack of faith in oneself is simply an indicator that something has gone wrong in a person’s psyche and that incorrect settings for perceiving what is happening have formed in his mind. In order to change self-esteem, you do not need to work with self-esteem itself - you need to help the person to form the ability to more adequately perceive oneself, one’s actions and the reactions of other people. If we translate what has just been said into the language of human abilities and skills, then we can say that he must master the skills of self-awareness and reflection. Reliable reflection instead of unstable self-esteem You could say that self-esteem is a “device” that we use to evaluate ourselves. And it is worth noting that very often it is not the most reliable device, since its readings are greatly influenced by the actions and judgments of other people. Imagine that you are driving a car, but what you see in the rearview mirror is not what is actually there what happens is those pictures and images that were once imposed on you by your parents or some other people from the past. And the sensors on the dashboard show data that, instead of the actual speed or amount of gasoline in the tank, shows the emotional expectations of some strangers about the movement of your car. The same thing happens with our self-esteem. Instead of analyzing what is happening around us and soberly assessing our actions and states, we look into that “distorting mirror” that was slipped to us in early childhood, and then by some other people, sometimes not the most friendly towards us. made a significant effort to distort this mirror. As already mentioned, we propose to move itside with your unstable and unreliable self-esteem and arm yourself instead with a completely verified and reliable reflection. Several types of reflection can be distinguished: Personal reflection, that is, awareness of what is happening in our psyche, as well as an understanding of why we have formed this or that structure personalities, certain black character. This is also a kind of understanding of the “internal mechanics” of our psyche: an understanding of why we make this or that decision in a given situation. Understanding how what is happening in our psyche affects our rational decisions and actions. Tracking what events or memories influence changes in our mood. Reflection on interpersonal relationships. At this level, we learn the skills of understanding not only ourselves, but also our loved ones, as well as those people with whom we are ready to communicate at “short distances”, whom we can let close to us. When organizing interpersonal reflection, at least two people immediately appear in our field of vision: ourselves and our interlocutor, the person with whom we are building relationships. Very often, in relationships, people begin to play various social and psychological games; they do not always understand what games they are exposed to. Quarrels and conflicts between people can be caused by differences in their characters, social and family scenarios that were once assigned to them by their parents or social environment. Understanding all this allows you to more adequately understand what is happening to you in a relationship with another person. Social reflection, that is, understanding how our words and actions are perceived by other people, understanding what is happening in the teams in which we study, work, conduct time. This is an understanding of social behavioral and status games, overt and hidden group dynamics, attempts at intrigue and outright manipulation of others. Social reflection allows a person to feel more confident and act in a team; it is an understanding of the written and unwritten laws that develop in different groups of people. In the process of using all these types of reflection, a person gradually forms a more adequate and meaningful perception of himself, his abilities, those means and resources that he uses. In addition, a person begins to notice and correctly perceive other people’s reactions to him. These reactions can be either adequate and fair, or inadequate and even downright hostile. Awareness of what is happening in our psyche The concept of “self-esteem” contains some initial inconsistency. The fact is that it is not we ourselves who evaluate ourselves, and it is not we who develop the criteria by which we can evaluate ourselves. First of all, our parents influence the formation of our self-esteem. Parents and grandparents are very generous with the labels and epithets that they hang on their children: “Why are you so clumsy!”, “Who would marry such a crook?” ! Look at yourself in the mirror,” “This is the first time I’ve seen such an idiot! Well, how can you not understand such simple things!”, “Everyone’s children are like children, but I got some kind of cuttlefish” - these are examples from memories of one’s childhood that can be heard from people suffering from low self-esteem. In addition to such frank “ curses" and "parental spells", our loved ones could play more complex games with us in childhood. For example, upon returning home from work, both mom and dad could have the habit of first yelling at the child for no reason or for a not very important reason, and then, having calmed down and come to their senses, begin to caress, console and pamper their undeservedly offended child. In the case of “parental spells”, the child develops low self-esteem, and in the case of “emotional swings” in the form of aggression and screaming, replaced by frantic affection and excessive tenderness, unstable self-esteem is formed. In all cases when, as a child, we are faced with aggression, insults ,By demonstrating anxiety because of our own person, as well as in the case of demonstrating dislike and disappointment, psychological defenses involuntarily form in our souls, with the help of which we try to protect ourselves from the images that are hung on us. Some children begin to snap and be rude in response, some try to ignore and push out of their consciousness everything that was unpleasant to them, some become isolated and “withdraw into themselves,” others try to take revenge, be harmful and drive their parents crazy. Many of these protective mechanisms and methods of survival are brought to automatism and fall to the unconscious level. As a result, they begin to work involuntarily for us in not the most appropriate situations. But if we behave like losers, like ugly people or stupid people, then, despite the fact that we have developed some protective mechanisms that partially avert these curses and partially displace them from consciousness, the people around us begin to reciprocate our feelings. They really begin to treat us like losers, ugly people and stupid people. In general, at the level of personal or psychological reflection, we need to realize what kind of defense mechanisms are triggered in our psyche, as well as what other unconscious programs and stereotypes control us. We identify the actions of “parental curses”, “family and social scripts”, “bad social games”, “psychological defenses”. Reflection of Interpersonal RelationshipsIf psychological reflection allows us to form, instead of self-esteem, a correct picture of what is happening in our psyche, then at the level of interpersonal relationships we begin to correct the perception of how people close to us react to us and what they say about us. Those who surround us now. The fact is that in interpersonal relationships people also very often project not very adequate images onto each other. For example, a husband may blame his wife for something that he himself is very afraid of. We sometimes cannot admit to ourselves some shortcomings and often simply do not notice them in ourselves, but at the same time we very easily find them in the behavior of our loved ones. If the desire to project our problems onto others is combined with the willingness of these people to accept other people’s curses, it is natural that the latter’s self-esteem will suffer greatly. In addition to the erroneous perception of themselves and their partner, people in close relationships can “infect” each other with various psychological games or “bad social games,” as Eric Berne called them. Following the plot of these games, one of the partners usually tries to impose a certain role on the other. For example, if one wants to be a “victim,” then he in every possible way provokes the other to take the role of a “manipulator” or “accuser,” but what if he himself likes to blame someone , then he forces his partner to constantly make excuses. Very often in relationships, especially for those people who are just starting to live with each other, all their childhood problems worsen and their seemingly leveled self-esteem begins to fluctuate and fall again. In addition, close people can successfully “infect” each other with their problems or provoke a partner to display reactions that are generally unusual for him. Social reflectionAs the name suggests, social reflection allows a person to form a more correct perception of himself and assessment of his behavior. The important thing is that instead of experiencing one’s inconsistency with social norms or feeling complex about one’s social status, a person receives the tools to correct behavior and form a more correct perception of what is happening. We can say that he begins not to worry about his self-esteem, but to create the image of himself that he needs........................... It is clear that reflection is not a panacea for all our psychological troubles and soul-searching. But developing this ability, along with some other intellectual, communication and organizational skills, allows us to not be so dependent on the self-esteem that/117384/