From the author: When quoting an article, please indicate a link to the author: (c) Anastasia Umanskaya In different contexts, I often come across the concept of “being number 1 in a relationship.” As a rule, this applies to relationships in couples. When one of the partners wants/sets a goal/considers it a prerequisite for a relationship to be the first for their couple. Moreover, you don’t always want to be the first, for example, among other men or among other women. It happens that you want to be “first” than your mother, friends, work, etc. For me it's competition for attention. Competition only makes sense when all competing parties know the winnings. When, for example, we are talking about a gold medal in sports. The speed skater ran the fastest distance and received a well-deserved gold. In relationships, the prize is ephemeral - attention, affection, presence nearby, etc. And most importantly, we won’t measure it. If a gold medal for first place has a specific shape, weight, color, volume, length of ribbon, etc., then attention, affection, care are different for each person, and therefore for each participant in the struggle. For some, care is coffee in bed in the morning, for some it is help with the housework, for others, on the contrary, it is a partner’s respect for the desire to have “their own territory.” For some, attention means flowers, but for others, the desire and ability to listen. For some, the amount of time spent together is important, and for others, the quality, etc. Competitors are also usually chosen from a different “weight category”. Well, it’s the same as if runners and speed skaters were competing, with women on one side and men on the other. Or a master of sports would come to compete with 5th graders at a regional sports Olympiad, etc. And each “competitor” for first place measures the prize by his own measure, the presence of which most often neither the partner nor those with whom, the battle is actually going on. The most interesting thing is that this measure may not be related to real relationships at all. Let me give you an example: A young man complains that a girl has stopped loving him, citing the fact that “her friends come first” - upon questioning, it turns out that this conclusion was made from the fact that the girl several times chose to go with friends rather than with him. Those. perhaps it was really very, very important for him this time that she stay, but he couldn’t say so (or didn’t want to), and she was to blame. And this conclusion hardly takes into account that, for example, in the first six months of their romance, the girl was completely absorbed in her relationship with him, that she practically did not communicate with friends, and when the relationship was established, she began to return to her ORDINARY life. And this does not mean a lack of love. Rather, it is about the fact that love has found its place in the girl’s life. Of course, events can develop differently, however, this can only be understood by asking and checking your guesses with your partner. Another example: They and she got married. The holidays are over and everyday life has begun. And then she notices that he has a mother. And that he listens to her (more than she thinks she needs) or helps (more, as she thinks, than she thinks she needs). the husband immediately gets labeled as a mama's boy, and the wife looks for ways to change HIM. Instead of looking for what SHE is missing in the relationship. What happens to her when her husband chooses his mother’s position and arguments at some specific moment. Or, instead of a joint weekend, he goes to help his mother cover the roof at the dacha (the mother is often 50-60 years old and she can’t objectively cover the roof herself). But she wants to be number 1 for him. Always, every minute. And he probably immediately forgets last weekend or a joint vacation. Apart from the fact that my husband always had a mother, and his wife appeared relatively recently. And the mother, oddly enough, also wants her son’s attention. Each of these women asks for attention in her own way: to cover the roof at the dacha, present claims of inattention, etc. But not one says directly that SHE WANTS TO BE WITH HIM. Instead, both come up with super-important necessary things, the doing of which seems to be a sign of attention. But for some reason they are still unhappy. Apparently attention is not attention.