"Tell me how you drove your ex-wife to white heat, so that we can identify common signs of behavior that should be minimized in future relationships," I asked. “I now realized that I wasn’t the only one who brought her to the point of shaking in this way. I’ll give you an example,” the man began the story (consent to publish excerpts of our work has been obtained). Look! How to express anger is acceptable - this is the topic of this article using the example of working with Prokhor (read the beginning of the series HERE). she’s wrong, and I’m right,” shared a divorced man who asked for help not to be as “crazy” as before, “It started with a trifle, for example, she might not hug me on the threshold of the apartment, but I was waiting. My illusions were crumbling and I began to cling to trifles, inflate the conflict, sort things out: “Here, again, you didn’t hang the towel in the right place, here you are again”... And so on all the time”... When Prokhor’s ex-wife tried to distance herself from the conflict , he followed and mumbled, mumbled, mumbled his way, proving her guilt in situations of any scale of tragedy. The problem is that, in essence, the man was trying to earn love, attention, but in a way that only repelled, frightened and frustrated his ex-wife. In a team or with friends, he also annoyed many by starting and continuing to prove his innocence, to seek out the truth in a tedious, tedious manner. People tried to avoid him, which did not help build strong friendships and working relationships. In the process of communicating with Prokhor, we found out that this (in addition to open verbal and physical aggression) was how his “Furious / capricious child” mode manifested itself (according to schema therapy). Through it, he sought to win love and recognition. Often men and women in the “Spoiled Furious Child” mode behave inappropriately to the situation. They turn into cruel "babies" (abusers) instead of expressing anger in a socially acceptable way. How to express anger in a socially acceptable way: using "I-messages" "I-messages". For example, saying: “I’m very angry now, because I expected something different from this evening. I respect you, so I don’t want to blurt out something unpleasant in the heat of the moment. I’ll be alone, calm down, okay”? complain about the angry situation to a friend (or psychologist); take a contrast shower, while simultaneously realizing the emotional processes occurring inside and the cause of anger (this is a normal, natural emotion); throw out anger in the gym or use art therapy... and so on. What methods did Prokhor begin to use after our work: “I- messages"; gossip with friends (washing the bones of the object of anger helps not to bring tension to the family); mindfulness and acceptance; detachment in the moment (he no longer runs after the one who caused anger, but steps away for a while to cool down). .. and others. What unhealthy ways of expressing (suppressing) anger other people (men, women) can choose: abuse (alcohol, drugs, sex, work, shopping); physical violence (not necessarily towards the one who enraged, angered, and at home in the family circle); verbal violence (again, on those who are weaker; if, for example, at work you can’t tell your boss, then a child at home is allowed); satisfaction of one’s own needs without taking into account long-term negative consequences (for example, cheating on a regular partner out of revenge )... and others. How you can express anger in an acceptable way, I’m sure, has become clearer. An important nuance is that the abuser himself must want and decide to change something in his life, stop showing cruelty in behavior. Forcing it will be difficult or almost impossible. Sincerely, practicing psychologist for_thinking Peter Galigabarov for relationships_without_abuse Sign up for a consultation HERE