Unfortunately, not everyone is able to escape the clutches of a tough, controlling, intimidating man. Fortunately, my client succeeded. Using her story as an example, I want to show how different schemes - regimes influence life. Look! - Where do you think you can expect to be abused? – I asked. “From my ex-husband!” – she answered during the second session. But I asked to look for early episodes that showed up at the school. We returned to our ex-husband at the third consultation. I publish excerpts with the client’s permission. Of course, I am changing the details, since the man is dangerous. The questionnaire using the YSQ-S3R method (early maladaptive schemas) showed (among others) 12.8% “Abandonment / Instability.” The client is afraid of physically losing a close relationship because of the situation between her father and mother, which she observed at the age of 11. The main idea of ​​“Abandonment” is shown in the song of the group “Strelki”: “You left me, you abandoned me, when you left, I was left alone.” The coping strategy chosen by the client is “Avoidance”! “Avoidance” manifests itself like this: “I always was the initiator of the breakup, always.” It happened with my ex-husband... Although, in order! “He irritated me at first, very much: despotic, authoritarian, dominant, controlling, but stylish and strong,” the woman recalls the beginning of her relationship with her ex-husband. A coincidence of circumstances transferred him to the category “Hero – Defender – Savior”. You see! She initially noted the man’s style of behavior that was unacceptable to her. But I’ll assume that the “Distrust / Expectation of Abuse” scheme (15.8% of the client’s presence) and “Surrender” did their job in front of her, they got married. Her husband took her with him everywhere, forcibly to all business meetings. He checked his phone and called often. He started drinking. Didn't help financially. Lived with her. It was annoying. She cried, feeling something was wrong. As a result, when the client was pregnant, she found out about his infidelities. He lingered more and more, evaporated from their family (but not her) life. Having mistresses and allowing himself complete freedom, he strictly controlled his wife, demanding to stay with him officially. For the sake of the child, she tried to save the relationship. But endless night business meetings and business trips plagued me. Remember! She always broke off relationships herself, like a coping mode “Avoidance” of the “Abandonment” scheme according to Jeffrey Young. Maybe it worked, but I think the adaptive mode was turned on - “Healthy Adult”. Agree, taking care of yourself and your safety would be to end a relationship with a man who: cheats, drinks, does not support, stirs up shady affairs, and lately, assaults .She changed the locks, collected documents, filed for divorce. Even after the official decision, he continued to call, come, and sometimes threaten. It was hard and scary, but she managed. “You know, what helped me was, among other things, the memory of how I told him that he would beg to come back, but I would refuse, that he would crawl on his knees, and I would not forgive. Then, after the divorce, this was the case, although often mixed with threats from him.” The ex-husband and father of her child had a new permanent passion. He began to appear on the horizon less often and did not pay child support. They legalized the marriage. “You know, it turns out that she tried to escape from him. She even left for another city, but... His friend once told me: “She’s not you, she’s afraid of him and comes back, endures it.” But I was also afraid. But I fought. He was choking, and I was waiting for the moment to break free and answer”... Let’s pause here. (The beginning of the client’s story HERE) What pushed and is pushing the client to aggressively defend her boundaries? Angry Child Mode or Overcompensation to Mistrust/Expectation of Abuse? We'll definitely figure it out next time. Unfortunately, not everyone manages to escape from destructive relationships. Someone capitulates to fear, literally freezing and surrendering to the mercy of the abuser. Behavior is influenced by patterns learned from birth. The good news is that by understanding your inherent patterns, cognitive errors and other things that hinder a happy life!