From the author: “This is a shameful topic. It is more decent to remain silent about it.” This is the position many parents take when their child begins to be interested in the sex newspaper “My City” (April 2011). Why does a second-grader need a condom and why do teenagers watch porn? "This is a shameful topic. It is more decent to remain silent about it." This position is taken by many parents when a child begins to be interested in sex. In this publication, we tried to summarize the recommendations of experts for fathers and mothers. How to answer awkward questions from children? How to behave if your son or daughter has forbidden hobbies? All situations discussed below are real. We asked psychologist Lyudmila Rusina to comment on the typical reactions of adults to them. Mrs. Rusina is a specialist in child-parent relations at the Gestalt psychological center (gestalt-r.kz) and part-time psychologist at the crisis resolution department of the Ulba center. Situation 1 Second grade, eight-year-old children. Mom found a note from her daughter: “Petya, I want you. Let’s have sex.” The note contains a condom. The daughter replied that the note was a joke, and the condom was chewing gum. Parents: Don’t focus attention, this is a game, the children themselves will lose interest in the topic. Lyudmila Rusina: If the child has indicated interest, he will not calm down until he receives the necessary information. All his questions need to be clarified without being put on hold. A conversation on such a sensitive topic should not be unpleasant for the child, should not frighten or alarm him. Behave calmly and naturally. Before you start a conversation, ask your child what the words “want” and “sex” mean. Otherwise you’ll say too much. ANECDOTE ON THE TOPIC - Mom, what is abortion? - Daughter, it’s so terrible, so immoral and so painful.. - the mother describes in vivid colors the reasons for the abortion, the course of the operation. Having completed the story, she realizes where her little one came from the girl recognized this word. The child, with eyes full of tears, points his finger at the book: “It says here: “And the waves beat against the side of the ship.” Parents: Conduct an explanatory conversation on the topic of where children come from, how to use a condom, and at what age sexual relations between a man and a woman are possible. Lyudmila Rusina: You should not give your child all the information from “a” to “z” at once. Just tell him what interests him at this very moment. You can start like this: “What is “I want”? These are feelings. This is about love. This is when two people like each other. When they agreed to live together. They created a family. They gave birth to a child.” I pause on purpose. Based on your child’s reaction, you will understand where you need to stop. If you don’t understand, ask directly: “Which of the following would you like to know in more detail?” The trouble is that now children are beginning to learn about intimate relationships between a man and a woman from the end. Immediately - sex. The Internet and television impose a simplified model of relationships. Parents should restore the missing links in the chain and return to the beginning. Dwell on responsibility and the meaning of relationships - creating a family. In a word, switch a child from sex to love. At eight years old, it is still too early to talk directly about sexual intercourse. It is necessary to reveal the meaning of emotions and feelings. At this age, children move from emotions of friendship to emotions of affection, sympathy, but do not know how to express them correctly. So something caught in a youth series “pops out.” Explain what “I want” is the desire to see each other, sit at the same desk, hold hands, take care of each other, share candy, be together always. Draw the right ones for the children pictures of love so that they have an alternative. Parents: Conversation in the spirit of “ah-ah-ah”. Accuse the child of immoral behavior. Punish. Lyudmila Rusina: So you will forever close this topic for the child in your family. He will know that parents do not welcome such curiosity, says the psychologist. - So, you need to find out from friends, on the Internet. Be prepared that the information obtained in this way may be greatly distorted. Press: “Where are you doing this?”got it?! Why did you write this?!! - also out of place. The child is in the cognitive stage of development, just learning to determine what is good and what is bad. They show it on TV - I remembered it, tried to apply the phrase in the note. About the fact that this is wrong, he can guess only by your condemning intonation. One more thing: for some children, puberty begins at the age of 10-12. The girl herself does not understand what is happening, why she is drawn to boys. should explain what is happening and tell him how to behave? Situation 2 A mother discovered that her ten-year-old son systematically visits porn sites. And their content is “not for the faint of heart.” The mother sends the child to his grandmother for two weeks without explaining the reason, tearing him away. from studying. The woman is disgusted, she is disgusted by her own child. Parents: Tell the child everything you think about him: a pervert, you disgust me, etc. Lyudmila Rusina: In this situation, the mother did the right thing by not showing emotions in front of her son . But it was better not to send him into exile, but to retire for a while. Children are quick-witted and will always find something to relate their parents’ behavior to. But they will not always be able to interpret it correctly if they find themselves face to face with the problem. They may regard this as a betrayal. You can cry alone with yourself and give vent to your emotions. And then take a deep breath and start finding out what information your child needs. Couldn’t help yourself? We explain why: “I’m angry now. Forgive me. I just love you, I’m worried about you. I’m calm now, let’s talk.” Parents: Have an explanatory conversation with the child about intimate relationships between a man and a woman, what is acceptable in them, what - no, when is it permissible to start them. Lyudmila Rusina: If it comes to such sites, you will have to define the boundaries of the norm in relationships. We begin very carefully, expressing a desire to discuss and support: “A link to such and such a site popped up here. Did this happen to you too? Let’s discuss what is depicted there.” It is worth mentioning that such information is posted on the site illegally. Abnormal relationships are shown, things like this don’t happen in life. This can cause pain, humiliate, insult. This is bad. Then we begin to fill in the gaps in the sensory-emotional chain: we talk about falling in love, family values. Note that boys will always look for information about physical relationships. Refer to specialized literature, a children's encyclopedia, for example. These books are written in language that children can understand. Read them together. There are drawings there, some children are looking for a visual explanation. In general, boys and girls should be told about the physiological structure of the body and the conception of a child on the eve of puberty. Now this age has decreased: 10-13 years old - girls, 11-14 - boys. Parents: Turn off the Internet and keep the child strict in the future. Lyudmila Rusina: This is suitable when the child has become dependent on such sites, and talking does not help. But in this case, it is still good to seek advice from specialists. In general, parents should learn to determine when a child is doing something out of ignorance, and when it is very conscious. Otherwise, children will quickly realize that by feigning ignorance they can manipulate their parents. Clearly explain what exactly is bad, why it is bad and what consequences it can lead to. In the situation described, I am surprised that the mother noticed her son’s hobby so late. After the first viewing there was definitely a reaction. Either the boy was emotionally depressed, or he was overly excited. In a word, something was wrong in his behavior. If the family is attentive to children, this would immediately become apparent. In all such situations, the main thing is not to discourage the child from talking about this with you, the parents. This is not only the moral side of the matter. This is a matter of the safety of your children. If a child knows what's what, he will not follow the guy who promised him candy. Or behind the boy from the gateway,)