Probably, there is not a person who would not ask at least once in his life the question of why and how we choose those people with whom we form a pair, create a family , whom we love. It would seem, what’s the difference in general...? Two people met, fell in love with each other and live, why all these questions “why”, “why”, “how”? And aren’t such questions exclusively philosophical, in the sense of those to which the answer still cannot be found? Today and let’s try to figure it out. Of course, we immediately need to highlight the point that the explanation given below is not the only one, but only one of them, since many other options, causes, and consequences are a priori possible and real. This version reflects the most, in my opinion, consistent with relationship principle – balance and equilibrium based on complement. How do we form a couple? Of course, the process designated as “forming a pair” is unconscious, that is, uncontrollable, at least for those who do not specifically understand these mechanisms, because, having understood the principle of pair formation, it is realistic to make this process conscious, or, if the couple has already been formed - to come to the most effective option for developing and maintaining relationships in a couple. One of the main mistakes people make when forming a couple is complex self-deception. Why is this? Because most often, a person deceives himself both about himself and about his potential partner. This needs to be deciphered. In order to more or less accurately realize what kind of person you really need next to you, you should first of all realize what kind of person you are. And this is the first round of self-deception. People have extremely low contact with the content of their inner world, as a consequence, understanding and sense of self, and therefore the attribution of certain qualities and properties to themselves does not occur from within themselves, but through social attitudes that come from family, school, university, TV and religious propaganda. As a result, it is very difficult to distinguish oneself from a set of built-in ideas about what a person should be. And if a person cannot see himself in himself, then the ideas about the desired partner are also distorted and represent the second round of self-deception. After all, ideas about a partner are found in the same way through social attitudes of “norms” and obligations based on gender (women should do this, men should do that). And if we briefly talk about the level of organization of the Society, then it is convenient for it (the Society) to draw up lists of conformity, so that people do not waste time on internal searches, do not ask unnecessary questions “Who am I,” but perform the assigned function. However, the individual level of organization of life and the inner world of each individual person have not yet disappeared and are still, albeit greatly suppressed, but still - the basis. Getting close, finding this basis is not easy, especially on your own, but our species has already proven many times that we have no equal both in creating and in overcoming difficulties. What picture can you often observe? I’ll label the first picture as “Meeting Yourself.” A person looks at himself and sees that he is strong, confident, brave, noble, and has a sense of humor. And if you ask such a person, what kind of partner do you need? In the overwhelming majority of cases, the answer will consist of a list of the same qualities that are already manifested in him right now. That is, in essence, a person expresses a desire to form a couple with himself, someone else calls this “like attracts like.” Yes. , indeed, at the mental level it is easier for us to find people similar to ourselves for comfortable communication, but... if you imagine relationships in the form of scales, where on one side is a Man with a set of his qualities, on the other a Woman with a set of hers, what is the position of the scales will allow this couple to function effectively? That’s right, only a position of balance (equilibrium), or a gradual movement towards this position. If both people in a pair have the same characteristics, that is, both stand onone half of the scale, then balance is unattainable. And without equilibrium and balance, the development of both each in a couple and the couple as a whole is impossible. Who can people be for each other with the same set of qualities? Such people make best friends, colleagues, business partners. Romantic relationships with this combination can be stormy, bright, but, alas, either short-lived, or conflicting and painful (if the couple persists), and their inevitable consequences are betrayal and /or attempts to change a partner. And here we are gradually approaching the essence of the article, namely, how, in my opinion, a harmonious couple is formed. I will designate the second picture as “Complementarity based on “Shadow”. Complementarity is complementarity. “Shadow” is a psychological term introduced by K.G. Jung, which can be deciphered as the deepest level of qualities and properties of a person, his true desires, which is an integral part of any person, making him holistic. However, the “Shadow” - being the deepest level of the unconscious - needs a purposeful translation into the zone of consciousness in order to make it possible acceptance of hidden qualities and their integration into life. Not only Jungian analysis works with what can be designated as “Shadow”, you can also use art therapy, body-oriented therapy, transpersonal therapy + Yoga, Tarot and shamanic practices. So what is the attitude does this “Shadow” have to do with the formation of a pair? And the “Shadow” has a direct relationship to this process. For simplicity of description and understanding, I will express the thought this way: We are attracted in others by what is hidden (what is contained) inside our “Shadow” and that for some reason we ourselves cannot, or do not want to manifest, but what we (unconsciously) want . This is what creates the difference in interests, qualities and manifested properties of partners in a couple, which is why they complement each other (complementary). A union based on complementarity according to the “Shadow” allows a couple to be harmonious, to find balance (equilibrium), to be the most functional and effective as a system, reduces conflict, promotes long-lasting and uniquely close relationships. Why is this phenomenon quite rare? Partially the answer has already been given, the qualities and properties belonging to the “Shadow” are not so easy to identify, but the matter is further complicated by the fact that people tend to persistently deny and ignore the content of the “Shadow” even when it is quite obvious and before their eyes; it is difficult to believe the unconscious when the rational mind – controls almost all areas of life. Let's look at a couple of examples. Let's imagine that there is a woman who is socially successful, strong, strong-willed, dominant. And she, at the mental level, stubbornly wants to find a man with exactly the same set of qualities, but... the catch for her is that the content of her “Shadow” requires a completely different type of man nearby, namely, one who would balance her qualities through manifestation of one’s softness, pliability, less social success (so that one can show care), knowledgeability, etc. This woman is afraid to admit to herself her true desires, because Society may consider her a “sub-woman,” so she continues to look for the wrong things, deceiving herself. Now let’s imagine that there is a man with a bright sense of humor, sociable, gambling, easy-going for adventure, with a fair amount of laziness in terms of business, prone to carelessness, unnecessary, and flighty. And he, too, at the mental level, is looking for a mate - the owner of identical qualities and manifestations. But “Shadow” wants something completely different from him, namely: a woman who will be more down-to-earth, structured, with a system for organizing life, accustomed to order, etc. After all, these are exactly the qualities that he needs, but he himself does not show them. He is also afraid to admit to himself his desires, because in some internal dialogue this always means something like “lose freedom”, “lose independence”, “get stuck in responsibilities”. And the self-deception of this man’s mind continues. Reasons why people themselves do not demonstrate qualities.