Continuing the theme of guilt...I have been working with addicted families for many years. Families with alcoholism or drug addiction. And these are special families. It has its own, special structure, its own dysfunction. There is not one “sick person” in them, everyone there is sick. Everyone there is dependent. Only the object of dependence is different for everyone. But the role of the guilty one is given to the user. And this role has been given to him since childhood, when he had not yet tried anything. And sometimes this role is assigned to him even before his birth. Because families become dependent not because of the appearance of an alcoholic or drug addict, but even at the stage of formation of these families. At the stage of dating, men and women sometimes develop dependent relationships. And after marriage they remain dependent. Even though none of them drinks. They both just have the same personality traits. And the family becomes like this. And a newborn rarely has a choice: to integrate into this system or not to integrate. He is being built in because he will not survive without the care of these people. But I was going to talk about wine... When patients tell me about their childhood, about how their parents raised them, a range of feelings rises inside me. And when I communicate with their parents, very often it involuntarily comes to mind: “In such a family system, anyone would drink themselves to death...”. This is such a rigid system of relations that “one step to the right, one step to the left, you get shot.” This does not mean the authoritarian style of parenting, although it also occurs. This is corporal punishment, this is emotional deprivation (lack of warmth, affection and attention to the child), emotional abuse (ignoring, manipulation, verbal abuse and humiliation). I feel immensely sorry for my dependent patients, and sometimes I get angry with their parents for them. Sometimes I feel sad and grieve for them. Dependent patients continue to feel guilty despite all this. As children, they were guilty because they did not live up to their parents’ expectations and hopes—they didn’t study like that, they didn’t help like that, they didn’t behave like that. In general, they were extremely uncomfortable children. As adults, they blame themselves for their addiction and for hurting their family with their addiction. They are not like that again in this family! They absolutely do not know how to give up this feeling of guilt. Even after stopping use, they find reasons to continue to feel guilty. Since this role has stuck since childhood. The most important thing in working with addicts is to “cure” this self-destruction through guilt (and shame), not to stop the use. Because stopping use without comprehensive treatment is fraught with a rapid resumption of use. PS: I also feel very sorry for the other members of the dependent family, since they did and do not behave this way consciously or out of malicious intent. Parents of dependent people are also people crippled since childhood. Everyone has their own defenses and complexes. However, in their family system and in the social mind in general, they are right, and the addict is to blame. Or they are good, and all these alcoholics are bad. But it's much more complicated.