I wrote this article for 4.5 years. Of course, not every day. It happened with long breaks. Either there was simply not enough time, or emotional strength to live through one’s own text again and again. When I started writing, I simply couldn't imagine that there was so much to say. The work was hard. Sometimes I even caught myself talking and thinking about her as about pregnancy and childbirth: “I’m giving birth,” “I can’t give birth,” “I’m carrying,” “I want or don’t want her to be born at all.” Sometimes the work stopped for a long time, and it seemed like it was the end. I couldn’t have done it alone. Every time I met again with a woman or an entire family who entrusted me with their story and their pain, I became convinced that this article was needed and that I wanted to write it. I am grateful to my clients for their trust and the opportunity to walk some part of the journey together. I want to thank my colleagues and friends, Elena Bartosh, Tatyana Sidorova, Elena Burtseva, Denis Andryushchenko and Daria Korol for their support. For our communication, joint reflections on the topic and valuable comments on the text. During the time that I wrote the article, my life outside the profession was quite rich in significant events and experiences. And to one degree or another, there were always people close to me. They also influenced the content of this article and the fact that it was finally completed. I am grateful to them for their participation and love. Over the past six years, women whose questions are in one way or another related to pregnancy have increasingly appeared among my clients. Here are some of the topics that I encounter and that are raised by clients in consultations and therapy: infertility of unknown nature; doubt: “Do I want a child?” or “Am I ready for the birth of a child?”; abortion - experienced or possible; loss of a child (miscarriage, frozen pregnancy, termination of pregnancy due to fetal pathology incompatible with life). These situations are quite painful. The issues surrounding them are complex. The experiences are deep and very different. And quite often a woman is left alone with these experiences and questions. Firstly, because the topic is very personal - you can’t talk to everyone. Secondly, because some of these issues are closely related to feelings of shame and fear of judgment. Thirdly, a very common reason for silence is fear of misunderstanding and even past experience of misunderstanding from others. And in general, there is a fairly widespread stereotype that you should turn to someone for help, including close people, only in the most extreme cases. And there is, probably, “fourthly” - this is the internal explicit or implicit question “who can help me and how?” I wanted to write about this. What is not customary to talk about, what is not customary to ask, what is sometimes even difficult to imagine without experiencing it yourself, what many women are ashamed or scared to even allow themselves to think about. Pregnancy is still often spoken of as a wonderful time a woman’s life, only occasionally mentioning possible difficulties, but without going into their description too deeply. At the same time, it seems to me that many women have an explicit or implicit need to talk about what worries them, about what is not customary to discuss. And I want to be heard and understood, and not judged and labeled as a “sub-woman.” I want to share what I know, what I have experienced from my own experience and what I live with my clients. Maybe for some of the readers this will be a discovery, for some - a reason for reflection, and for others - an experience of recognition and understanding that “I am not alone in my experiences” (or even not just men, I think , my story will also touch upon). It seems to me important to talk about the other side, not to keep silent, to be able to discuss something openly, and not on the sidelines “for the victims.” Especially on topics that can affect many in one way or another. I also hope that this article will be useful to colleagues. I see that some aspects of such an experience for a psychologist, psychotherapist working with a client onThese topics are not always visible and clear. Maybe I will be able to somehow enrich the ideas of one of my colleagues with my description of the experiences of women. Initially, I focused on describing the experiences themselves, the experience of a woman, as fully as I can do this. But as the article grew and grew in size, I realized that I could not and did not want to stop there. If I can share even a little about how you can help a woman in a given situation, then it’s worth doing. Therefore, after each section of the article, I began to formulate my recommendations. The exception is the first section “On the desire to have a child.” Initially, I perceived it as an introduction to the topic, and I wrote my thoughts about what could be helpful and useful for women right along the course of the presentation, and not at the end of the section. And what else I would like to note. This article is not a pro or con campaign. I am not a supporter of the Childfree movement, but I also do not consider myself a fan of motherhood as the most important mission of a woman. I don't like fanaticism at all. Especially on a social scale. And although the article will talk more about uncertainty, fears, pain and resistance, this does not mean that I deny the bright side of motherhood. There are simply two sides to everything in the world. And even more. And the happiness of motherhood does not exist on its own - it exists together with anxiety, pain, fatigue, female loneliness and other experiences. And sometimes I get the impression that people tend to forget about it or just don’t think about it. This results in callousness, thoughtlessness in some actions and even involuntary cruelty towards those who dare to say the opposite. So. Pregnancy. Dark side. Or something that is not accepted and simply difficult to talk about. About what many people live alone. About the desire to have a child. Women’s experiences about this are more varied than it might seem and what is demonstrated in society. The most publicly supported image and belief that all women want children (or should normally want them), that being a mother is good, important and honorable, and motherhood is one of the most important not only tasks (missions) of a woman, but also her needs . For some people (both women and men), the very question “Do I want a child?” is unimaginable. from the woman's side. And in response to the statement “I don’t want a child,” you can hear many different condemning, sympathetic, condescending or agitating remarks: “How can you say that?! Children are the most important thing in life!” “You are selfish. You don’t want (are afraid) to take responsibility!” “You yourself don’t understand what you’re refusing! You can’t imagine what a blessing it is to have your own baby!” “Don’t anger God! How many women are not given the happiness of becoming a mother, and you!..” “You’re still just young, not mature.” “Don’t be afraid!..”... and so on in the same spirit. A woman can feel especially awkward who shares her doubts or some denial of the desire to give birth in the company of women who have already given birth. In such situations, I rarely heard a direct and clear response “I understand you”, “I know this” from women who have given birth to a nulliparous woman sharing her doubts or looking for some meaning for herself in the birth of a child. I noted for myself three options for the reactions of women-mothers in such a situation. Option one. Silence, ignoring. Women-mothers are silent or start talking about something else. Option two. One of the most common in my experience. This is direct propaganda: children are wonderful and you should definitely have children. As soon as women-mothers (especially those who have already experienced the early stages of motherhood) hear that some young childless woman is expressing doubts about whether she wants children, or fear about the appearance of children in her life, they actively begin to campaign for pregnancy , completely ignoring the downside of motherhood. From the outside it looks as if pain, difficulties and sorrows did not touch them at all, and there is nothing to be afraid of, and this phenomenon is absolutely beautiful, and there was not a single drop of doubt in their life,fears about this. And it’s as if it’s absolutely impossible to doubt, be afraid and not want to in this matter. Option three. A flight along the waves of memory. Women literally begin to carry memories of their pregnancies, the difficulties they have experienced, fears, pain, etc. As soon as one person unconsciously goes into this process, one after another, those around them begin to plunge into these memories. One woman's memory brings to mind images associated with pregnancy, childbirth and motherhood for another. And so on down the chain. In this process, they seem to completely forget where it all began, and that next to them is a woman who speaks of her reluctance, doubt, and fear. I have never heard a direct and clear response: “Yes, this is scary. I was afraid too. I understand you". Only the spontaneous memories themselves seem to be the answer. Regarding the second and third options for the reaction of women, I have the following thought. In my opinion, this is a good illustration of the unconscious defense of women against the intense anxiety and fear that is associated with this topic and the experience of so many women. Many (if not all) experience doubts, anxieties, fear and pain, but once pregnancy and childbirth, as well as many problems of early childhood, are experienced, you want to forget it. And the anxiety, fear and pain experienced break through in such unstructured stories-memories. Which, as it were, are not about what worries us now, but about the past. But the way women are carried away into these memories, and how they sometimes cannot stop, in my opinion, speaks of how important and unsatisfied the need is to respond to and end the mental and physical suffering they have experienced. It seems to me that the same phenomenon can be observed in families, in the relationships between mothers and daughters. When in some situations a mother can demonstrate spiritual strength bordering on callousness, giving her daughter the messages “Everyone could do it, and you can too,” “There’s nothing special about this, all women go through this.” And in other situations, at the first opportunity, she floats along the waves of her memory and actively, in detail, begins to tell all the vicissitudes of her own pregnancy, the features, and sometimes the horrors of the childbirth she experienced, and the pain of motherhood. In general, one way or another, women who have the question “Do I want a child?” Another question may arise: “Am I normal for thinking about this?”, “Am I normal, am I complete, if I don’t want a child (now or at all)?” Another question about normality arises for some young women, who by a certain age do not yet have children. In my experience of communication, this age begins at about 23 years old. Some girls as young as 23, who do not have children, sometimes consider themselves to have failed the program and not to meet social standards. Their fears are also supported by the obsessive attention of others to this personal topic. According to my observations, the 2 most popular questions addressed to a young woman from relatives, friends and ordinary acquaintances are: “When is the wedding?” (in different variations) and “Well?.. When are you going to give birth to a baby?” Those who are already “on the other side” (those who have given birth, those who are married) especially like to do this. Or, for example, statements like “It’s time for you,” “Let’s go,” etc. are still possible. Insistent requests from mothers and fathers to make them grandparents and give them grandchildren can also have different effects. This may be supportive for some. To oblige and rush someone. Moreover, the older generation can choose different forms: from “We are waiting” to “Why are you leaving your parents in their old age without grandchildren?!”, “Will we live to see our grandchildren?” Of course, a new view on the age of parenthood is now well-spread . And it is already considered normal to give birth by the age of 30 or even later. That first it is important to get on your feet, live independently, succeed personally and professionally, etc. And it doesn’t sound as crazy as it did maybe fifteen or twenty years ago. But still, the idea that a woman of 25 years or older without children has spent too much time in girls, and that there is something wrong with her maternal “part”,are quite common. Not to mention the fact that many medical workers easily and casually call a 25-year-old woman who comes to register for pregnancy as an old-timer. What can you think about the one who is over 30? I would like to say that it can be quite difficult to feel your own desire and your own choice when you are bombarded from all sides with opinions “for pregnancy”, “against abortion”, “for motherhood” or, for example , on the contrary, with opinions like “she’s been playing around,” “it’s a shame to be pregnant and not married,” etc. Public opinion, family beliefs, some public and unspoken canons put considerable pressure on a woman in this matter. By the way, about desire itself. How is it experienced by different women? And what is it all about - the desire to have children? How does a woman feel that she wants a child? After all, any need somehow manifests itself in our body. How does a woman understand that what she senses and feels is precisely the desire to have a child? Some women note and remember sensations on the physical level that they regard or once regarded as such a desire. Some do not describe the sensations, but say that they simply know from somewhere that they want a child. And they begin to get carried away and “feed” on different images associated with pregnancy and communication with the baby. Some people have compelling dreams about motherhood. Some people don’t have time to feel any desire at all when they find themselves pregnant. I think that in our women's experiences there is something similar, common, and something individual, different from others. But I also think that very, very many things, as in the case of other needs, are imposed on us by society, by the culture in which we live. Propaganda, social policy, the foundations of the immediate environment - all this, in my opinion, has a much greater influence on a woman’s decision to become a mother than is commonly thought. The topic of motherhood and pregnancy, as part of the process, is very rich in meaning. And just like the eternal question about the meaning of life, the question about the desire to have a child can find very simple answers, which seem cynical to some, and answers that affect such intimate aspects of human consciousness and worldview, such as spirituality and faith. I will try these two Polarities are described here for illustration. For example, are you sure that a person has such a need in its pure form - to have a child? Or - get pregnant and give birth? What do I know about wildlife? In particular - about mammals? I know that animals go into rut at certain times of the year. The female becomes especially attractive to the male, in particular due to the scent she gives off, and the male “hunts” the female. Their behavior is determined by a biological program and hardly any of them think about how much they want children. It happened - good. If it doesn’t happen, they continue to live as long as they can live in the wild. Conception either happens or it doesn’t. The baby is either carried to term or dies - it is evacuated from the body or takes the mother with it, depending on your luck. All. No philosophies or interpretations. Moreover, in a number of animals (I don’t know if they are all), the male becomes dangerous for the cubs, which are still fed on their mother’s milk. Because he has an instinctive program to impregnate the female, and the presence of children feeding on her milk complicates the situation. And males can kill cubs in order to complete their fertilization program. And females can be dangerous to their own children. And they kill them and eat them. A person, even if he retains some natural features of the regulation of sexual behavior, also has a lot of “superstructures”, thanks to which, on the one hand, a lot is possible, but on the other, it is even more confusing and incomprehensible. We have the opportunity to protect ourselves from so-called unwanted pregnancy, we have the opportunity to prepare for pregnancy (check our health, undergo treatment, take vitamins, get tested, plan conception up to tracking ovulation), we even have the opportunity to use alternative meansfertilization (donor cells, IVF, etc.). When we have so much influence on natural processes, we interfere in them and make some of our own decisions, when instincts and simple animal instincts are replaced by human rationality, how can we discern in all this the very need for motherhood and the birth of children? How can a woman understand whether she wants, whether she is ready, now or later, with this man or with another? And how can one even understand that what a woman calls the desire to have a child is really that same desire? How does she recognize him? Psychology has long known and with practice it has been confirmed more than once that our needs can take the most disguised forms. For example, when a person eats, this does not always mean that he is satisfying the need for food. When people have sex, it is not always the satisfaction of a sexual need. Etc. The question itself of how to understand “do I want a child” and “do I want him now” may not be critical. Each woman solves it differently, as I mentioned above. When there is time, there is health, when the life situation is perceived as suitable, etc. - then this is not the most significant question of all related to pregnancy. But when a woman does not want pregnancy, does not want to give birth, or even, in principle, become a mother, and the environment actively interferes in her life about this. Or when the expected pregnancy does not occur. Or when a woman experiences one or more setbacks (fading, miscarriage, infertility and other sorrows), when she gets older... Then this issue can get worse each time. For some, in the direction of hypertrophied desire, for others, in the direction of greater doubts. I suppose that in response to my text one can object by saying that there is a maternal instinct that pushes a woman to get pregnant and give birth. However, I am not very convinced by the idea of ​​maternal instinct. In particular, because the maternal instinct, as I understand it and as it is described, consists of caring, protecting and raising a child (cub) - one’s own or an adopted one, that is, an already existing one. And in a broader sense, maternal instinct is generally interpreted as caring for a weaker individual. In the animal world, a female can raise an adopted cub, realizing her maternal instinct in this way. But she is unlikely to suffer from the fact that she herself cannot conceive and bear her child. She will simply direct her energy to everything that is suitable for a possible “object” of care. Therefore, I have great doubts that the idea, the desire to get pregnant and give birth to a child is completely explained by maternal instinct. I think that may explain it. In some cases. When a woman really feels the need to care, protect, raise - encountering it in the process of caring for other people's children, feeling this need for contact with other children. But I also see the other side. Namely, when the idea of ​​having a child becomes a symbol of satisfying a woman’s numerous needs, which, in my opinion, are not very connected directly with the maternal instinct. I will write more about this a little later. So, the answer from the first polarity can be formulated as follows - there is no particular point in having children and in striving for biological motherhood. The universal laws of nature and instincts operate here. Everything else is secondary, from the mind, and brought into the consciousness and unconscious of a woman by the culture in which she exists. There are no such needs in nature - to conceive a child, bear a child, give birth to a child, have a child and, ultimately, be a biological mother. All this is from the realm of human ideas, fantasies, and conclusions. And also from the area of ​​other needs, the satisfaction of which in some cases seems possible precisely through the birth of children. Another pole of the diversity of meanings in this topic concerns spiritual experiences and faith. Here, conception, gestation and birth of a child is participation in the creation of life, in the evolution of consciousness, it is an opportunityto be a guide of the soul into this world, to give a place to the soul, an opportunity for it to incarnate. This is an opportunity to be a conductor of the divine (it doesn’t matter whether a woman professes some kind of religion or simply believes in some higher principle and in life, divine in itself). This is an opportunity to be something more than you are, and perhaps even experience the experience of being a god. Be a creator, taking upon yourself not only the experience of your own strength, the ability to create, protect, lead, but also the experience of anxiety and loneliness of the creator (the loneliness of a parent in his responsibility, anxiety, making decisions related to the child, etc.). This is the experience of love - as a gift of life. Participating in being the source of life, and giving a part of your life to another - your child. This is the experience of creativity - the largest creative project, life-long, without vacations or weekends. This is a spiritual path - the path to realizing your feminine principle, your feminine nature. Fulfilling your natural destiny. Etc. And between these two poles there are many other answers. And about your own growing up, and about recognition from others, and about the way you organize your life. And about tenderness, and about “giving,” and about “being needed,” and about “proving.” And about bright hopes about the special life of a woman-mother. And about love. And about the desire to live this parental journey together with the man you love. And about meeting expectations, and about duty, and about much, much more. And somewhere in the complex interweaving of meanings located in this large field between the poles I have designated, each woman is looking for her own answer. Either before getting pregnant and giving birth, or during the process, or after. And also when it is not possible to give birth and carry it to term. For me personally, the issues of pregnancy, bearing and giving birth to children are very personal and intimate issues, regardless of how exactly a woman answers them. And I regard the interference of other people in this part of life - both with unsolicited advice and unceremoniously shown interest - as a gross invasion of privacy. I am not close to the idea of ​​responsibility to society for adding one or more members to it. And I think a woman has the right to both become a mother (biological or adoptive) and not to become one. And she must decide this issue herself, together with those people whom she trusts, whom she respects and with whom she feels mutual understanding, or without them. I know that quite often this decision is not easy. And one more thing - it is accepted by a woman more than once during her life. I also think that if a woman does not want and is not ready to be a mother, she may not be one and still remain a woman. There are many other ways to be in this world, remaining in harmony with yourself and other people, remaining a woman and not betraying your nature. I think that women are not divided into full-fledged or inferior according to the criterion of having or not having experience of giving birth to children and experience of motherhood in general. I think they're just different women. Women with different experiences, with different destinies. I want to appeal to women who are in doubt, anxiety or fear. Trying to understand yourself. Those experiencing tension, internal conflict (and maybe external - with someone close, for example) about planning a pregnancy or an unexpected pregnancy, about the prospect of motherhood or childlessness. In my opinion, there is nothing pathological or unnatural in these doubts and tension. What is happening to you is something many women experience in one form or another. And you have the right to search for your answers and seek help in this search. It’s good if you have people with whom you can talk about this and be heard, understood, accepted. Speak without pressure from another. Speak in such a way that the noise of public agitation and extraneous opinions fades into the background, and you manage to hear the voice of your own heart and mind. These people can be close women - with different experiences and different ages. It’s good if you can talk about this with older women and with women your own age. Talk to people you respect