From the author: If you suffer for a man who left you, then, first of all, you need to distinguish between the natural suffering that arises when encountering loss and betrayal, and prolonged suffering, which is already unhealthy reaction to what happened. Many women are very worried if their suffering for a man drags on. You need to understand that betrayal and the departure of a man is a small death. If you suffer for a man who left you, then, first of all, you need to distinguish between the natural suffering that arises when faced with loss and betrayal, and prolonged suffering, which is already an unhealthy reaction to what happened Sometimes, after a month of experiences, a woman begins to feel that the suffering has been too long and that it is high time to forget everything and start living in a new way. However, it is natural to suffer and feel the pain of loss. Cheating and leaving a man is a small death and must be experienced. This is always a tragic event, which is accompanied by pain, disappointment, loss of trust, the feeling that you have been betrayed, humiliated, treated unfairly, abandoned, rejected. And what can we say about hurt pride and pride... Parting is especially difficult when a woman is no longer so young. Many women in this dramatic situation ask themselves the following questions: - how to live on? - how to survive the loss? - how to cope with the pain? - how to find the strength not to run after a man and not ask him to come back? - and in the end, how to believe that life is not over, that new meetings and new love are possible? Very often a woman lacks simple knowledge about the natural stages of experiencing loss. She doesn’t understand how to continue to live, how to behave. In such a situation, you need to know that when parting, our psyche goes through certain stages of experiences. Betrayal and the departure of a man is a small death... Five stages of going through the period of loss of a loved one Stage 1. Denial Statement: “This could have happened to anyone, but not to me!” You've probably heard about similar stories, but it's hard for you to believe that this happened to you. Separation and impending loneliness are so frightening that you don’t understand how to live on. Stage 2. Anger How could he do this to me? I didn't deserve to be treated this way! Sadness turns to rage, and you are sometimes frightened by the intensity of your hatred for your ex-partner. Because of resentment and bitterness, injustice and humiliation, you feel helpless and very angry. Stage 3. Activity You begin to think: “What if?..” You are looking for possible options for getting rid of pain and changing a terrible situation. These searches cause a surge of energy. You become creative. And you use every chance to restore the relationship. Many people come to a psychologist at this very moment with a request to get their husband back. Or they begin to negotiate with God or the Universe, promising to do anything if the relationship is restored. And some turn to all kinds of fortune tellers and clairvoyants. But all actions are in vain. Nothing changes. Stage 4. Depression, loneliness After a rise in energy and an emotional outburst, even deeper disappointment and severe devastation sets in. A powerful sense of loss, loneliness, sadness and general weariness with the world is what a woman feels at this stage. She has difficulty getting up in the morning to go to work or do household chores. Classic signs of depression appear: lack of appetite, sometimes a reluctance to see or communicate with anyone, as well as tears, insomnia or, conversely, constant drowsiness .Stage 5. Acceptance of the situation and the desire to get out of this state. Journey within yourself A strong desire to heal leads you to serious work on yourself. You begin to analyze your relationships, your life, yourself. A natural question arises: “Why did all this happen to me?” You begin to look for ways to heal mental wounds, let go of the past, forgive everyone, reconnect with your self and find peace in your soul. This is the final step that allows you to move on - fromdivorce into a new happy life. And I also want to tell you: do not pay attention to the words of your friends that you should shake yourself up and spit on everything. Now it is very important for you to go through all the stages of grief. Remember: “the night is always darkest before the dawn.” When going through all these stages, it is very important that there are people next to you who are ready to support and understand you. This is a person who will help you understand everything that happened and help you get through all the difficulties of the period. Who is this? A close friend, mother, spiritual teacher, psychologist - it doesn’t matter. The main thing is that you should feel that you are not left alone with your suffering. Stop suffering. The acute experience of grief, as a rule, lasts a year. It takes about three years to completely recover from pain. If your suffering has been prolonged, then it’s time to think. If you suffer for a LONG time over the man who left you, you cannot let him go, you cannot accept the situation, then you are dependent on the relationship and the man. The way out of any addiction is not easy. Any addiction dooms you to suffering. At the same time, you understand that you can be happy and live easily, but...you have not had the experience of long-term, joyful and deep relationships. Deep down you know that there is another life and you can live differently. But for some reason you think it's not for you. It’s like being at a table full of delicious dishes and not deciding to try any of them. If you worry about a departed man for a long time, then, apparently, for you love is associated with suffering. You must understand that while you are tormented and thinking about him, you are in a state of virtual love. The illusion of a man's presence in your life is created. You continue to maintain a relationship with him, although in reality there is none. Not being able to part forever brings suffering. To stop suffering means to truly separate. And this very thought is unbearable for you. By holding on to hope, you doom yourself to torment. Addiction makes it impossible for you to separate. On a subtle level, you create the illusion of a relationship. You fill your space with something that doesn’t exist. You are not alone - you are alone with your suffering and pain, with hope, with virtual love. If you suddenly stop feeding your suffering and free yourself from it, what will you have left? Nothing. You are filled with fear when you think about it, because you don’t know how to live any other way. Breaking up for real is a threat to your sense of security. Complete emptiness and loneliness scare me to death. One of my clients, who for years could not forget her husband, who left for another woman, during our meetings remembered how, as a child, she every time hoped and waited for another man to leave her life mother. He left, and mother again emotionally returned to her, until the next novel. And having already become an adult woman, after breaking up with a man, she continued to hope that he would not be able to live with another, that he would realize how much he loved her and would return. The idea that he no longer loves her was not “digested” by her. Hope dies very long and painfully in two cases: either in childhood the emotional pain from deprivation of attention was too strong, or emotional coldness was periodically replaced by love. You can wait indefinitely, and only when you realize that you cannot influence the situation and a miracle will not happen, only then will you be able to come into contact with your real grief. Hopelessness is when on the fortieth day you stand at the grave of a loved one and understand that he is no longer there and will NEVER be . At this very moment you discover a huge gaping inner emptiness and wound. Even after the death of loved ones, awareness of the loss comes on the fortieth day. And what can we say about a living person. Therefore, hope will live for a very long time, hiding in the corner of your heart, gradually destroying you and depriving you of the opportunity to be happy. Another client of mine described a similar situation with her father: her mother emotionally distanced herself from her when she was reconciling with her husband , and vice versa, she became closer to her daughter after another quarrel with her partner. In lifeThis adult woman experienced a similar scenario: a man left for another woman, and for a long time she could not believe that this was forever. She continued to wait for the moment when he would return to her again. Years passed and this did not happen. He had a child and was quite happy in his new family. But she kept hoping for his return and did not want to believe in his happiness and love with another woman. This is very painful! It hurts to accept that you are no longer needed, that you are not loved. For a child, the loss of mother's love is associated with the collapse of the world. No child can understand and accept that he is not needed. Healing from addiction Most likely, your relationship with a man was not joyful, in your heart you were unhappy and did not feel happy next to him. You had quite a lot of complaints; you probably considered him unworthy of yourself. When you were next to him, you had reasons to suffer, your partner could not make you completely happy. You always lacked something in the relationship, it seemed to you that the man did not love you enough and paid little attention. You didn’t feel happy with him, and maybe even dreamed of life without him, and when he left, it didn’t bring you joy. A strange paradox, isn’t it? If you suffer for too long over the man who left you, this means that according to your scenario, you cannot be happy at all. You strive for life in a palace, but once you get there, you will feel awkward and consider yourself unworthy of living in such a beautiful place. Or, on the contrary, being in the hut, you will think that you need something more and most importantly, you deserve better. If you have been experiencing betrayal for a long time, if your condition has dragged on, then this means only one thing - you are dependent on the presence of another person in your life. You don't love yourself, you're not interested in being alone with yourself, you need him to feel happy. And, therefore, the time has come to start searching for yourself. Realize your life without a man. You need to understand the power of influence of addiction on your life. The difficulty also lies in the fact that the man continues to feed your hope with his behavior or you yourself find “food” for it. Dependent relationships cause suffering to both partners - until one breaks up and shows determination. I know from experience how many women expect a final breakup from a man. You need to understand that the heart of an addicted person is soft and it is difficult for him to cause pain to someone, to take a firm position. Yes, plus pity also plays its tricky role. Therefore, it is not surprising that a woman takes a good friendly attitude from a man as manifestations of love. Many women spend a huge number of years on their expectations, fantasies and desires. Your feelings are similar to the feelings of children who end up in an orphanage, when they stand at the window all day long, waiting for their mother. They see it in every woman, at night they do not let go of the soft toy, hugging it and talking to it, imagining that they are talking to their mother, who will always be with them. Your reaction is similar to the reaction of a small child who cannot forget his mother , can’t believe that she left him, that she doesn’t need him. The child feels abandoned, abandoned. Being left alone, so small, in a big world is very scary. Mom gives not only love, but also a feeling of security. And with her departure, the world collapses, the most important thing disappears - the feeling of SECURITY. If your suffering has dragged on, other men do not come into your life, then you must understand that this reaction is not to a man - with his departure, your childhood pain wakes up and you find yourself in your weak points of the past. All the feelings you experience are not new. They are familiar to you. You just don't remember them. They were stored in the depths of your unconscious, and parting awakened them. Sometimes the pain that comes into your life for the first time makes you wake up and feel that you are still alive. By understanding these patterns and living through your pain drop by drop, you are able to begin to live completely differently. Your life is in