Containing text in a somewhat unusual format, in the second person...You are constantly in contact with Pain, Pain is constantly in contact with you. It often feels like there is no place for both of you in the same body. She is very tenacious, unlike you. She is very alive. She responds to every fleeting association with her, to every touch, both to her and not to her at all. Every evening you sit at the edge of a bottomless well. This is how she talks to you. In this bottomless well, memories, tender words, the most sincere feelings and strings of once beloved faces swirl in an endless dance. There are eyes, and hugs, and vows, and promises that gave hope. Either you scoop them up again and again with your hands, or Pain pours buckets of them down the back of your neck, showers you with icy streams of this permanently killing water. It is often difficult to understand, you on the shore of the bottomless well of Pain or you have been lying at the bottom for a long time. She tortures you every day with the thought that this, of course, is completely “bottom”, people who abandoned you, people with whom nothing worked out, with whom it turned out to be impossible to stay forever. Pain drowns you in when, how and to whom you reached out . With each of these people, you could try to start over from scratch even tomorrow. But for Them it is a sheet of toilet paper that should have rotted in a landfill long ago. Someone should come up with precise terms for the ability to destroy the permanence of a libidinal object that has ceased to be such. You are catastrophically underdeveloped in this ability. In the water column of the bottomless well of Pain there is a completely different world. The world as you would like it to be. A world where almost every one of them could have a story of happy, warm and supportive relationships for life. Therefore, it has long been unclear what is more painful for you, drowning in a well every day or then trying to escape from it with some titanic efforts. All these the insanely bright multi-colored pebbles at the bottom (you can insert the necessary names) are damn attractive to what is left of your soul and your ability to feel, and, of course, in some “magical” way they never fade... Maria Aleksandrovna Solopanova, psychology and psychotherapy online (Skype, Zoom, b17.ru, Whatsapp), Kursk in person, +79606757337 (Whatsapp, Telegram, Viber).