From the author: This artistic description reveals the thoughts and feelings of a person prone to panic attacks. I'm afraid to be in the sun. I hate myself in these minutes, which seem like an eternity to me! I didn't notice when it started. I'm trying to scroll back in time and remember when this happened the first time. I do not remember! Although I remember very well the time when I was not yet afraid of the sun. Don't think that I'm afraid of sunlight like a vampire. I really love him! But not in the heat and not in the square. By the way, I also feel uncomfortable in a square, even a small one, especially when there are a lot of people there. I want to quickly pass the square or avoid it completely. I will describe in more detail how I feel when I find myself in a situation where I need to go somewhere on a hot sunny day. SOLAR ATTACK. As soon as I step outside, I am overcome with a feeling akin, I think, to the sensations of a person who suddenly finds himself in the Atacama Desert, which is located in Chile. Bright sun, waves of hot air, viscous and stuffy. My heartbeat quickens, I feel a feeling of discomfort, anxiety, and I want to cover my head with something. And what thoughts, what thoughts! "Hot. Shadow, where is the shadow? I'm going to feel bad now. I will fall and lose consciousness. I’ll die!” The desire to quickly go into the shadows fills my entire being. (And this is at plus 25!) But, I'm going. I'm hugging the houses. The people passing by seem NORMAL to me, but how can they arrive so calmly under these scorching rays of the sun?! However, I don’t notice anything around me: I don’t see or hear. My heart gets heavier, my mouth goes dry, my legs weaken, and somewhere inside me a trembling creature screams in a heart-rending voice: “I won’t go, I won’t go anywhere further!” And, you know, sometimes I don’t get it. No, I'm not fainting. It’s strange, of course, but I don’t fall. And, suddenly, at some point, seeing a square in front of me on which there is not a single speck of shadow, I turn back without further hesitation and walk away, wondering what to do now, and who will do the planned task for me? An interesting observation, by the way: I always find someone who will do it for me. And, as a result, I stopped thinking about things that require my personal and only my personal presence. I realize that these tactics and strategies will one day lead me to complete self-restraint. I know that such behavior is called in one word “ESCAPE”. Moreover, I RUN away not only from the sun's rays and city squares, but also from everything in my life that requires MY PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. I didn’t immediately come to terms with this thought. I can't be called irresponsible! I always try to fulfill my responsibilities at home and at work conscientiously. I'm punctual, I keep my word and I don't make false promises... And yet... I STOP TRUSTING MYSELF. I made a lot of mistakes. There was a time when I didn’t want to notice them, I didn’t want to admit them as personal mistakes, and, having admitted them, I couldn’t forgive myself. HOW TO FORGIVE YOURSELF? Why forgive yourself? Let's say I forgive you. What's next? Believe in yourself again? To become, as before, free, decisive, confident, purposeful? Make mistakes again and get bumps, i.e. BE RESPONSIBLE? It’s much more convenient to AVOID her... Sad irony. MALIBU BEACH LIFEGUARD. Recently at night I had a dream. I'm a lifeguard from Malibu Beach. (Remember the series of the same name?) I can be under the sun all day: move, sit, lie, talk, be focused on my business and just relax under the hot rays. I feel quite comfortable! The sun tans my strong body, white hot sand flows through my toes as I walk along the shore. The huge flat beach, similar to a town square, is filled with vacationers. I hear children's laughter, conversations, the sounds of engines, the sound of the surf... I can... THE ROAD WILL BE MADE BY THE ONE WHO WALKS. I know I have a choice: the Atacama Desert or Malibu Beach. And I even know where to start if I choose the second... FORGIVE YOURSELF, TRUST YOURSELF, TAKE RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR LIFE.