From the author: Official website of the author with all articles (psychology of men and women): Sign up through B-17 for a training on working on the relationship between a mother and an adult daughter: “CAPTIVITY OF THE SNOW QUEEN” Mother and daughter. The long road to home “How cold, how deserted it was in these white, brightly sparkling palaces of the Snow Queen! Fun never came here. Kai turned completely blue, almost blackened from the cold, but did not notice it - the kiss of the Snow Queen made him insensitive to the cold, and his very heart was like a piece of ice...” H. C. Andersen It’s unlikely that anyone will want to be in the place of this unfortunate child, despite the gifts offered in exchange for love, even if he is promised eternity... In life, it often happens that some kind of insult (or a lot of insults and injustice), inflicted in childhood by one’s own mother, gets stuck in the heart like a piece of ice. This mental pain is first felt, then forgotten for a while, and then goes somewhere forever, but nevertheless remains only an illusion of disappearance. In fact, the heart no longer feels anything, because it is tired of suffering. In return for this, inappropriate outbursts of aggression and unreasonable irritability towards people who are not to blame appear. Relationships with loved ones become complicated, personal life, health, and professional activities collapse, depression, phobias and the meaninglessness of existence appear. This is how the experiences of our childhood influence the successes and problems of adult life. Usually no one associates these problems with old childhood trauma. Some know and understand everything, but still try to avoid the dark shadow of the past, which still continues to haunt them every moment. “...I didn’t feel like an earthly, warm mother who can warm her baby in her mother’s arms, protect him from cold, wind, enemies, feed him with her warmth, a gentle smile, a gentle touch and a sweet kiss. I was like an angel flying around my baby, unable to even touch him. All the love that lived in my heart was locked under lock and key, the lock was in the duck, the duck in the hare... I performed maternal duties, but did not feel the pleasure of caring for and communicating with the child. For me, motherhood was more of a heavy burden than happiness from such a great gift from Fate. That important part of a woman's life like motherhood was slipping away from me and I could no longer put up with such a loss. All my life I lived in captivity of the Snow Queen - my mother. All people, my father and I, were born, in her opinion, to please her, to always adapt to her moods and whims, receiving in return only constant criticism and dissatisfaction with everything and everyone. Her depressed, dissatisfied view of the world imposed a joyless existence on me. Because of the love and devotion of my mother, I had no right to live differently: brightly, cheerfully, noticeably, with the fullness of being. I grew up with the conviction that relationships with people can only be built when one is always adapting to the other, trying to please him in everything, at the cost of his own desires and interests. For a long time I even considered it a virtue and was proud of it. The role of the rescuer of all the lost became the meaning of my life. But in fact, such superficial submission inside caused protest and aggression, which could not only be expressed, but also experienced in one’s thoughts and fantasies. This repressed aggression manifested itself in sleep and in various physical symptoms and illnesses (migraines, gastrointestinal problems, breast swelling). Otherwise, you could lose the love and affection of people and be left completely alone. Other options for interacting with people did not exist for me, they were not in my life experience. Ultimately, this life led me to exhaustion and endless suffering. Love can only be given to others from the excess of one’s own love, coming from the depths of one’s heart. Such love does not expect praise or reward for it. Shegood because it exists and there simply cannot be another. This is its natural existence, allowing a person to be constantly in harmony with himself and with the world. Such love makes a person happy just like that, without any conditions of the outside world and approval by others of his right to be different from everyone else. This harmony is inside and nothing can shake it. The path to such love is not easy, but interesting. It fills life with the meaning of learning the art of living, living for joy, and not for endless suffering. But if the giving comes from an empty source in the heart, because of the fear of loneliness, the thirst for recognition and approval, such “love” is always conditional, touchy and brings a lot of disappointments. First, you need to hear the complaints of your inner wounded child, recognize this important need in yourself: “I want love, care, warmth from my mother, which I did not receive in my earliest childhood, when I needed it more than anything else. My mother's love was like air to me. Without it, I could suffocate and die.” This statement is very painful, but necessary. It is better to do it next to a close, understanding person who can show compassion and warm you with warmth at this difficult moment of revelation, who will not say that all this is nonsense, that everyone lives like this or that it is a sin not to be offended by your parents. It is better not to open up to such people. If they are not there, go to a psychologist. It is his job to give life to any feelings in his presence. Gradually, moving away from this mental pain, begin to slowly learn to love yourself, treat yourself with care like the most sensitive and caring parent and give love to others only for the sake of your own joy from sincere and selfless giving. But in our culture this has always been called selfishness, depriving a person of his own needs and interests; communication was built only on false politeness and compliance, which was called kindness. Everyone was participating in a masquerade, playing roles in masks with strained smiles and routine compliments, avoiding sincerity and naturalness in communication. There are lies all around, no one knows each other, everyone is playing in the dark by touch and does not want to wake up. All my life I had a feeling of fear that if I stopped living in the shadow of my mother, living her life for her, stopped playing the role of a good and obedient girl, if I finally took care of my own life, she might die (physically or symbolically), i.e. .To. will lose the main source of life, the nutrient medium, and this will fall a heavy burden of guilt for her choice to die on me, as if one person has the right to decide this for another. It takes a lot of courage to realize this dead end of your senseless self-sacrifice, the influence of the all-consuming hydra, which is always insatiable and demands more and more new exploits and sacrifices. It is important to recognize that love is either there or it is not, and it is not possible to earn it, even at the cost of your own life from your own parents and the whole world. Many people fall into this trap. It’s like a deal: I give you obedience, politeness and humility, and you give me love, care and affection. We all dream of returning to the original blissful state of harmony, to the intrauterine phase of development, to the nurturing womb of our mother. Some people look for it in religion, some in drugs and alcohol, some in creativity, some in sex... All our lives we consciously or unconsciously strive to regain this feeling of a joyful and happy existence, to regain a sense of stability and security. , trying to provide themselves with more money, power and status. If a child grows up in an environment of a cold, indifferent or always critical attitude towards him of a mother who is unable to love the child just like that, but only if he lives up to her exorbitant expectations and demands, if the main thing in the family is to make an impression in the society in which the child should be at least a genius or a hero in order to glorify his family and unrealized parents with his exploits, then in the future a person will never know himself, who he is, why he is, why he is/