From the author: Henry Cloud, during his spiritual and psychological journey, identified four personality traits that need to be developed in himself in order to improve his life: 1. Connect with others (establish relationships with other people). 2. Separate yourself from others (set personal boundaries). 3. Distinguish between good and evil (good and bad). 4. Take responsibility for yourself (prove yourself as a mature person). Without mastering these main qualities, we can literally find ourselves at a dead end, and growth and change will elude us at an unattainable distance. I bring to your attention an excerpt from the book by Henry Cloud " Changes That Heal "WHAT ARE PERSONAL BOUNDARS? Boundaries in a general sense are lines or structures that show restrictions, divisions or edges. In a psychological sense, boundaries are the understanding of one's self as separate from others. This understanding of our separateness forms the basis of our personality. Boundaries tell us where we are and where we are not, what we can choose and what we cannot, what we can and cannot tolerate, what we feel and what we don’t feel, what we like and what we don’t like, what we want and what we don't want. In a word, boundaries define us. Just as physical boundaries define where private ownership begins and ends, spiritual and psychological boundaries define who we are and who we are not. Many people cannot come to the realization of the need for personal boundaries and set them. They really can't tell where they end and someone else begins, and therefore suffer from loss of meaning in life, powerlessness, panic, loss of individuality, depression, irresponsibility and a whole host of other problems, all of which lead to a loss of true intimacy with people. The most destructive results of a lack of boundaries are physical and emotional abuse. People who have not set personal boundaries allow themselves to be manipulated and even hurt by others. Stories of abusive spouses are heard quite often because the victim is unable to set boundaries to protect themselves from evil influences. There is no sight more terrible than watching a loving and kind person constantly endure insults because he has poorly formed personal boundaries. LACK OF PERSONAL BOUNDARIES Imagine what life becomes like when we feel responsible for other people's feelings but cannot control our own. This is the essence of the concept of personal boundaries: where does “I” end and someone else begin? BIBLICAL BASIS FOR SETTING BOUNDARIES The ability to connect with people, to say “yes” to trusting relationships with them, is important in human life. But how can we have attachments, that is, be dependent, and still remain an independent person? How can we separate ourselves from someone else? How can we make a decision and be sure that it is our personal choice? What happens when we disagree with those with whom we have established a relationship, or want to do something different from their opinions? What if we don't want to endure any more hurt from those we love? What if we want to spend time apart from our friends or spouse? Seems very difficult, doesn't it? Yes it is. But, before we agree that cordial relationships are a complex thing and require limitations, let's talk about the second stage - about establishing personal boundaries and feeling separate from others. Each of us is a separate person with his own will, talents and responsibility. Separateness is an important aspect of human personality. We must be connected to others without losing our own personality and individuality. We must perfect the art of “being yourself without losing your neighbor.” We get confused where our “I” ends and the “I” of another begins. We experience difficulties in determining our own will, not being able to distinguish it from the will of our neighbor. Hearingother people's opinions about ourselves, we often do not know what we really are. Sometimes we do not understand what we are thinking or feeling until we learn about the thoughts and feelings of our cultural environment. The boundaries between us and the outside world are gradually blurring. When we talk about relationships, we mean love. When we talk about boundaries, we think about limitations. Boundaries will give us an understanding of what is part of us and what is part of another person, what we can and cannot afford, what we decide to do and what we will not do. 1. Appearance The physical self is part of the personality. Our body has physical boundaries that define who we are. Skin is a prime example of a boundary that defines personality. Our skin clearly defines where “I” begins and where it ends. It has color and structure. She has a form. On the one hand, we have the ability to open our physical self to something good and take it inside. For example, by opening our mouth, we can enjoy the taste of milk. In this case, we open the boundaries of our body. On the other hand, we can decide to stay away from anything bad when it tries to get inside us. We may sneeze when we breathe in dusty air, close our eyes when the light is too bright, or cover our ears when a sound is too loud. Skin naturally protects our bodies, but it is up to us to decide what we allow into our physical selves. We are responsible for our body. We know best what our body needs. We feel hungry and that's why we eat. We feel tired and so we rest or go to bed earlier. We feel sluggish and so we go for a walk. We experience pain and begin to look for its cause. Other boundaries work on the same principle. If I own a house and garden, I am responsible for what is inside my property. If I want to rake fallen leaves, I do it or hire someone to do it, or they are left to rot on the ground. In this sense, my responsibility ends where my boundary ends. If my neighbor's yard is covered in leaves, I should not be so presumptuous as to allow myself to climb over the fence separating our gardens and start collecting leaves without his permission. If I want to help, I have to ask him and he decides whether to open the gate and allow me to cross his border. This is his and only his decision. 2. Our beliefs Another side of our personality is our beliefs or our internal attitudes and positions. Our beliefs are opinions or mental conclusions about something. We are responsible for our own positions because they exist within our “private property.” They are inside our hearts, not anyone else's. They form the basis of our personality. At the beginning of life, we can be said to “absorb” our positions; As we grow, we take on more responsibility, which requires us to understand where our opinions differ from those of others. We begin to realize and choose our positions. By recognizing ourselves as responsible for our positions, we come to a state of readiness to “put our house in order”; we can be sure that everything that lies beyond our inner line is what we really want. Our internal positions and beliefs are the “territory” of our responsibility. Other people's attitudes and beliefs are what they are responsible for, not us. 3. Our feelings Another side of personality that is our “private property” is feelings. Physical sensations of pleasure, pain and other emotions are our property, not anyone else's. We ourselves are responsible for our feelings. Feelings signal our state. They let us know how we are doing, what is important to us, what needs are changing, what is going well and what is going badly. Not recognizing our feelings, ignoring our responsibility for them, is the most destructive thing we can do to ourselves and others. People who deny theirfeelings can "lose touch" with themselves. Our feelings can lead us to compassion. They can connect us with others, as we saw above. Feelings such as joy contribute to our mental, mental and spiritual well-being. At the same time, like physical pain warning us of a dangerous illness, our feelings signal to us when something is clearly wrong with us and our changing needs . If we do not experience physical pain, we can die from any disease because we will not know what is happening inside us and therefore will not be able to cure the disease in time. The same is true in emotional life. 4. Our behavior Our behavior is how we react to different situations. If we don't accept responsibility for our behavior, we lose control of our lives and become powerless. We cannot direct our lives where we would like if we do not own what we do and do not do. People who disagree with this statement feel powerless because they do not have faith in the basic law of cause and effect. This law that governs the entire universe is also called the law of sowing and reaping, that is, if we behave in a certain way, certain things will happen. This is the basis of our security because it gives us the opportunity to control ourselves and our lives. Irresponsible people hate this law and suffer greatly from it. Responsible people thrive by relying on it. Just like the laws of physics, for every action there is an equal reaction. If we do something, something happens; if we do nothing, nothing happens. If we want to be healthy, then we must eat good food. If we need money to pay off a deposit on a house, we have to work. On the one hand, we can cause good consequences. If we want to have a good relationship with someone, we can smile at that person or hug him or her. This principle of managing one's own behavior is the basis for feeling in control of one's life. This principle states that we can influence our lives and the lives of others. On the other hand, we can cause bad consequences. This is the law of natural consequences of behavior. If we don't control our moving car, we will have an accident. If we hit those we love, we will have very little warmth in our relationships. Our entire well-being on a large scale depends on our behavior. We must remember the law of sowing and reaping, and this will not only save us from pain, but will also bring great satisfaction. Anyone who has grown up without the law of cause and effect is doomed to a constant battle with reality and a life of chaos. An important aspect of realizing your boundaries is to own your behavior, recognize, accept, analyze your behavior, in other words - accept for responsibility. Another important aspect is the awareness that others are responsible for their behavior. These two principles can clarify many personality problems, as we will see later.5. Our Thoughts Our thoughts are another important aspect of who we really are. God gave us the ability to think and called us to love. Many people don't think about what they think about. They simply allow thoughts to live inside their heads without observing or examining them. When we observe every thought, we take responsibility for it and evaluate it. We do not suppress or deny our thoughts. We own them. We take inventory of them and weigh them. We need to see what they say about the state of our hearts and minds, and develop them just as we develop any other aspect of our personality. They are within our borders and we must own them. The fight against distorted thinking is to strive to master your thoughts and take responsibility for them. I have to decide where the real danger is and where the paranoid disorder begins. If I find that I am lacking in any area of ​​knowledgecompetence, I can accept my responsibility for this deficiency and study this area. Intrusive thoughts can sometimes indicate what our subconscious mind is doing, so we need to analyze them. If we find ourselves thinking or dreaming about death, we need to establish where such thoughts arise from. Or if we often find ourselves thinking about how to take revenge on this or that person, we need to think about the state of our heart. Our bad assumptions about others can negatively impact our relationships with them. We often assume something without checking and then blame others for the consequences. We must recognize ourselves as responsible for the erroneous train of thought and try to change it. Your thoughts are your thoughts, not anyone else's. When we take responsibility for another person's thoughts, we are invading his territory, his private domain. If we expect someone to take responsibility for our thoughts, we have the same problem. "Owning" your own thoughts is very important to your identity because what we think about is a core part of our self. If we cannot separate our own opinions from the opinions of another person, we cease to be a person in the general sense of the word. The problem we are considering is that a person is sometimes unable to separate his thoughts from the thoughts of other people at all. Having your own thinking is the beginning of freedom and responsibility. 6. Our abilities Another important aspect of our personality is our talents and abilities. Very often people do not reveal their talents. They take on faith the definitions given to them by others and do not check how well these definitions actually apply to them. Sometimes they deny their gifts and live by taking advantage of other people's gifts. Many disillusioned people try to live according to how others have defined them. I remember one extremely artistic and creative teenager whose parents, both doctors, decided that their son should continue the medical tradition. He tried to fight this, but in vain, he could not separate his talents from his parents' desires. He received his medical education with great difficulty, because he did not have the talent for it. He eventually received it, but encountered serious problems while pursuing medical practice. It was only after failing in practice that he became separated enough from his parents to realize what his true talents were. Having set out on a new path, he forgot that he “should” have the talents his parents desired. He made a satisfactory career in the field of art. But he had to go through the difficult path of “searching for himself” and separation from the people he loved. We lose our true self when, in the process of connecting with others, we forget about our uniqueness and lose our individuality. We are all different people, each with our own individuality, and we are not obliged to transform ourselves according to someone else's desires, which may enter into contradiction with what God wants from us. We must realize our true self and develop with the help of God's grace and truth. God has made us all different, and we are responsible for discovering and developing the gifts we have been given. 7. Our desires Our desires are also an important aspect of what is inside our borders and fences. Each person has different needs and desires, dreams and drives, goals and plans, thirst and hunger. And just like other aspects of our personality, we must own our desires, which are only our property. Our desires can be good. But some of our desires and desires are not good. In any case, we must master them, first by clearly separating the good from the bad, and then the good from the best. When we don't acknowledge our desires, we cut ourselves off from who we really are. An example of desires that are not asked for would be when people are jealous of the talents of others, but do not ask God to help them go to study and develop theirown. Such people do not have because they do not ask. An example of wrong desires would be the case when people go to study, but not in order to develop their talents for service, but to satisfy their ambitions or to prolong their stay in student status. The same desire to go to school can be right and wrong. But in any case, the desire must be recognized by man and given to God. Whether we are housewives, church ministers, car washers, athletes, or anyone else, we can be proud of ourselves and our work. In the same way, we must own our desires for other people. Most of us have experienced the disappointment of communicating with people who themselves did not know what they really wanted. They had certain desires, but they were not aware of them. If we asked where they'd like to have lunch or what movie they'd like to see, they would usually say, "I don't care. Whatever you choose will do." If we asked which of two pieces of pie they'd like, they'd say : "You choose". At the same time, it was easy to notice their internal disagreement and dissatisfaction when we chose the “wrong” restaurant, movie, piece of pie. But they did not control their desires. And we felt very uncomfortable. We were afraid that this person would start to hate us because things always work out our way. For a relationship to work well, two people must discuss what they like and don't like, giving and receiving accordingly. This giving and receiving is the basis for love and intimacy, as well as for recognizing the true self of the person with whom we communicate. If a person never admits that he has desires, then a trusting relationship with him is impossible and the process of getting to know him is extremely difficult. One who cannot define himself remains a “non-person.” Recognizing our desires also gives us a clear understanding of where we are in this world and an awareness of our position among other people. When we communicate with people who are clearly aware of their desires, we have the feeling that we are standing on solid ground. Their personality is clearly defined and has boundaries. These boundaries should not be rigid, that is, affecting someone else’s property, but a person should have them, no matter what. If people are not clearly aware of themselves, we have a feeling of very little connection when communicating with them. Moreover, being aware of our wants and needs helps us achieve our goals in life. Awareness of our desires guides us towards our goal. In all centuries, people have strived to fulfill their desires, and this has made life around them much better.8. Our decisions and our choices The next, no less significant aspect of our personality, which is our property and must be conscious of us, is our decisions. Our decisions are the foundation on which personal boundaries are built. But our decisions are truly such as long as we are aware of all the aspects of our personality that influence these decisions: feelings, beliefs, actions, desires and thoughts. In order to own and make our own decisions, we must be acutely aware of all aspects of ourselves that are involved in any decision. In addition, we need to realize that we make decisions in all cases of life, no matter what we do. When we give anything, be it money, time, energy, talents or things, we should give only what we have decided to give with all our hearts. This is our decision, and we must think it through and understand it. In other words, we must understand that we have given something away “of our own free will.” If this is not the case, then we give out of a sense of obligation or compulsion, feeling that we “have to give.” The inability to make decisions and take responsibility for their consequences can seriously harm us, as it leads to isolation. If we feel that we are not in control of our own lives, we begin to hate those who we think are in control of us. This is too far from freedom and love. When making decisions, we can only say "yes"or not". We can decide to do something or not to do something. We can decide to give something to someone or not to give it. In any case, we are responsible for the consequences. This is the essence of the feeling of limitation and the cornerstone of love. Many give based on the feeling that they have an obligation to do so. This makes them feel deeply sad. They accept invitations to dinners because they cannot find the strength to refuse; they spend their weekends in ways they would not like to spend them; they give time and energy to others out of guilt rather than out of love. These actions can lead to martyr syndrome, where a person sacrifices his own desires to arouse feelings of pity or guilt in others. Parents donate time and money to their children, and in doing so try to make them feel guilty. “Yes, if it weren’t for your tuition fees, we could travel more or buy a better house or car.” Children, as a result, feel guilty for being born, as if accepting the “gift” of tuition fees actually gives them the power to ruin their parents’ lives. Further, we deny the fact that we ourselves make decisions about how to spend our time and our lives in general. We may complain about how bored we are, but not take responsibility for it and, say, do something new or find a hobby. There are things in our lives that we have no control over, but we do have the power to choose how we respond to them. Our decisions determine the direction of our lives, but if we do not acknowledge this fact, we do not know where we are going and do not accept the consequences of our step, believing that it is someone else's fault and not ours. Complaining and grief without trying to somehow correct the situation is, in fact, a renunciation of the decision made, which is an expression of one’s own powerlessness and unreasonable resentment. Not making a decision is also a decision. We may think that some action or word is insignificant, but everything we do matters, everything we do or don't do bears fruit. Our life bears fruit; and here we have no choice. It depends only on us what this fruit will be - we can choose our “tree”, our heart and allow God to work in it. 9. The limits of our capabilities When we talk about boundaries, we also think about the limits of our capabilities. Just as a garden has physical boundaries, our lives - emotional, psychological and spiritual - also have boundaries. This truth plays a significant role in how we think about boundaries. We all have a limited amount of abilities, time, money, energy and so on. This amount, however, is not constant. We may have more or less over time, but at any given time we have a limited amount. Our salary cap is what we can spend. Our energy levels limit us to the number of things we can accomplish. Many people do not recognize the limitations inherent in us and try to expand themselves. It takes time to learn the limits of your capabilities in various areas of life. But we can only be known if we are aware of our feelings, attitudes and actions. If we feel overwhelmed, we need to recognize where we have pushed the boundaries offered to us unduly and say no to it. Sometimes we don't know the limits of our love and love more than we can. But we tend to make mistakes. As we saw in the first two chapters, it takes a lot of grace, truth, time, and training to recognize your limits and accept responsibility for them. This is life balance. We must not unduly expand or narrow our own possibilities. If we go through a time of depression, for example, we must understand that we currently have quite limited opportunities to give or receive something to someone. If we feel that we are “rich in love,” we are much more able to serve others. You need a rational assessment to determine the limits of your capabilities. The very fact of realizing your boundariesis extremely important and limits the influence of other people on us. If someone asks too much of us, we must draw a line so that it is clear what we can give and what we cannot. If someone treats us offensively, we must set boundaries. Dr. James Dobson, in his book Love Must Be Tough, calls this the “line of respect.” It means: "I will not allow you to treat me like this." If our neighbor threw garbage into our garden, we would be outraged by his behavior and perhaps call the police. We must do the same if anyone crosses our boundaries regarding our time and our energy. 10. Negative Statements Most of our identity is not built on positive statements about who we are. By saying, “I like sports” and “I like music,” etc., we define who we are through positive statements. We are athletes or fans, etc. When I say, “I hate injustice,” I am making a statement about something I do not accept, and that is a very important statement. If I say, “I don’t like science,” I am making a statement of equal importance as if I said, “I like philosophy.” Many people are not in touch with the experience of their “not-self”. The boy, who had no talent for medicine, did not express this too firmly to his parents. He had to shout "I hate medicine" until someone heard him. But negative statements come in different forms. Poor performance at the institute and complete failure in practice is the form in which this boy’s negative statements manifested themselves. Negative statements are reality. Just as we must accept responsibility for what lies within our personal boundaries, we must admit to ourselves what lies outside our boundaries. Some negative statements might be: “No, I don’t like speaking in front of large audiences,” “No, I don’t like it when you tease me in front of other people,” “No, I won’t work for that kind of pay,” “No, I don't allow swearing in my house", "No, I don't like cocaine", "No, I don't want you to touch me", "No, I don't agree with your opinion", "No, I don't like this movie, restaurant" etc. By being in contact with our “not-self” experience, we can truly separate ourselves from the world around us. If we cannot say what “not-self” is at the level of our body, feelings, attitudes, actions, thoughts, abilities , decisions, desires and boundaries, we will not be able to protect the soul from harmful influences. We will accept that which does not belong to our self; These may be good things, but they are not truly ours, and bad things, which should not belong to anyone at all. In any case, this is not-me. For Sandy not-me, the statement would be: "Mom, I love you, but I don't want to spend Thanksgiving at home. I want to spend it with my friends." If her mother got angry, Sandy might retort, "I'm sorry you're mad at me, but you're going to have to live with it. You're going to have to change your Thanksgiving plans because I'm not coming." It may sound harsh, but direct statements are necessary for people who like to control others but do not accept responsibility for their own disappointments. In fact, this statement would have helped Sandy more than her mother. This would help her understand who was responsible for what. If her mother is such a controlling person that she blames her daughter for her upsets, she still won't hear the truth. It is extremely important to be able to make negative statements. We must be able to say what "not-self" is in order to find our "self." What we like won't matter until we know what we don't like. Our yes doesn't matter if we never say no. The profession I have chosen will not bring me pleasure if I think that anyone can handle it.