From the author: Why do others so rarely meet our expectations? Is it about them or is it about us? The article provides reflections on the reasons for this phenomenon. I am Me. You are You. I did not come into this world to meet your expectations. And you did not come to this world to meet my expectations. And if we'll get along - that's great! And if not, then it can't be helped. F. Perls As you know, our expectations are a very interesting thing. One gets the feeling that sometimes they turn into some kind of independent structure that can control us. This is especially true for expectations associated with other people. For example, we expect that: The husband will come to his senses and get a good job... The boss will raise the salary... The daughter will begin to listen to the words of her parents... They will pay attention to me... Clients will start calling in droves... Readers will like even more... Parents will stop worrying so much about me...If we summarize what was written above, then we expect some positive changes from others. And if these changes do not occur, then we become upset, offended or fall into apathy. No, you can, of course, be philosophical and accepting, and come up with excuses why others don’t change. But at the same time, the very fact of having these expectations still remains. In practice, a paradoxical situation often occurs. As soon as we “give up” and stop expecting something from others, then literally everything happens at once. The husband comes to his senses... A salary increase comes... The daughter begins to obey... Everyone as one begins to pay attention... The client’s phone is ringing off the hook with calls ...The huskies fly like a flock of birds to warmer climes...And parents suddenly switch to other objects of concern...Is this magic or some kind of game that someone is playing with us? It’s so illogical - we put “positive” in others ” in the form of our expectations, but we receive something completely undeserved and often even the opposite! Is it really worth removing your expectations altogether and stopping expecting anything from others? But then the very meaning of interaction will be lost. Expectations, especially positive ones, make a lot of sense. One of my favorite marketing writers, Dan Kennedy, talks a lot about expectations. For example, his words “Why do you take on something if you expect to fail?” and “Expectations set the outcome.” Indeed, it is difficult to achieve what you want if you do not have appropriate expectations. The latter, by the way, are formed in our minds in the form of pictures, conscious or not. And, oddly enough, it is these images that are subsequently embodied in reality. Why do others so often not want to meet our “positive” expectations? 1st reason: Unconscious fear. What kind of fear are we talking about? The fact is that, together with “positive” expectations (it’s not by chance that I put them in quotes here), we put in others the fear that nothing will work out. That others will deceive us about all the good things that we expect from them. It is these real expectations that come true as a result. 2nd reason: Overwhelming importance. In meaning, this option is very close to the first, with the difference that for us the effect expected from others becomes extremely important, literally “the whole world converges like a wedge” on it. And if others do not pay attention to us, do not raise our salary, do not leave us alone or do not like us, then we will experience righteous anger, rage or resentment. With inflated importance, we literally push away the desired option. 3rd reason: Hidden benefit. It actually benefits us that others do not change and do not meet our expectations. Indeed, in this case, we can safely refuse to change ourselves. Deep down in our souls we expect rejection or failure, because then we can point our fingers at others and say, “It’s all because of them!..” And when this happens, we get some kind of strange satisfaction. 4th reason: “The first step is not mine!” This reason is closely related to the principle “If you want to receive, first give.” More precisely, with its complete violation. Often it's all about the small "first step" that you need.