How to say “no” to a teenager? It would seem that it would be difficult to prohibit something “bad” or “dangerous”, because we, adults, are obliged to protect the child from mistakes. Is it as simple as it seems at first glance, and why is it especially difficult for a teenager to say “no”? Teenagers are a special category of people. The age when a child enters into confrontation with parents, when he embarks on the path of self-determination and expands his boundaries, is not the easiest for parents. A person who is not quite an adult makes adult decisions. And sometimes these are not the most ideal solutions, right? In my consultations or courses for parents, I emphasize that parental authority “builds up” from the very first months of a child’s life. And, if you were not a “conscious adult” and your decisions and methods had a short-term motive, were based on emotions, if you did not care about the argumentation of your prohibitions, were not interested in the motives of your children’s actions, but simply prohibited, scolded for the consequences, or took responsibility on yourself for the actions of your beloved children, then when the child becomes a teenager, as a rule, you, as a parent, are at a dead end. A simple “no” no longer works, and most often has the opposite effect. Saying “no” is an entire art. For example: a teenager turns to his parent with a request to let him go to a concert of his favorite band. The parent prohibits: “This group has disgusting songs and music, just listen to what they sing about…. and their appearance? Lifestyle? No, you won’t go.” The child tries to make an argument: “But they were given an award last year, they are cool, their group was recognized as the “breakthrough of the year”, the answer: “I’m not interested in that, I said no.” In this example. it is not the competence of the adult that can be traced, he relies on his own internal guidelines, without even making an attempt to get involved in the interests of the child, to understand that his ban will only have a short-term effect, the child will not go to the concert, but he will not stop listening to this music, and perhaps will become listen even more actively. In this case, the parent did not take the moment to join and become involved in the interests of the child, thereby making it clear that the life of his child for him, as a parent, is valuable and interesting. In adolescence, it is very important for a person to understand and feel how he is accepted society, how he fits into the environment. Issues of communication, communication, group membership and acceptance come first. He is exploring new territories. The opinion of parents, as “competent” and “the only correct one” at an earlier age, ceases to be so, is checked “for lice” and is subject to doubt. And, an adult is faced with the difficult task of maintaining their position, not being “thrown out” from the circle of trusted persons. This is truly not an easy task, because, as a rule, one must literally step on one’s own throat in order to protect oneself from meaningless prohibitions and categorical thinking and statements. We must find the strength and desire to be interested in what the child is interested in, and build this bridge of trust painstakingly and carefully. You must be able to trust your child and give him the right to make mistakes, support him in difficult times, and not reproach him: “I told you so... If only you had acted as I said.” Yes, they can hurt in the very heart, they can talk offensive words. One mother cried when she told me: “My daughter (15 years old) told me that she would rather die than become like me”... What is behind these words? Maybe they mean that the child lacks his mother’s love, attention and affection? Maybe these words mean that she is tired of her mother’s nervousness and yelling from morning to evening, nagging and criticism? Or maybe she doesn’t want to be “ideal” and “boring to death” like her mother? Always look beyond the words, the meaning is much deeper. How often do we, adults, ourselves carry “nonsense” towards a child, completely incompetently discussing his interests? From the height of my experience, which is not always, but most often, not a measure of anything at all. I warn myself (as a mother of a teenager) and parent-clients:.