Yes, indeed, why? And how is this even possible? The key answer to this question is that this can only be done with your eyes closed. Without understanding, without realizing what you are doing, without thinking about the consequences of your actions and words. Let’s make a reservation right away: in this article we will not touch on the issue of homo- and bisexuality. We want to talk about heterosexual people who received psychological trauma in childhood and now have difficulty determining their gender role. This is often visible externally: it slips through clothing and behavior, verbal and non-verbal communication, or in the choice of profession. And sometimes it doesn’t appear outwardly at all and becomes clear only at an appointment with a psychologist. When a person sincerely admits that he no longer understands who he is, a man or a woman, a husband or a wife in his family. In this regard, naturally, it is necessary to mention the analytical psychology of K.G. Jung, about the problem of accepting the anima archetypes for men and the animus for women (according to K. G. Jung, the female archetype for a man and the masculine archetype for a woman, the acceptance of which, in fact, is not a problem, but a necessary stage of human individuation). And at the same time, this topic is very broad, and it is not possible to cover it within the framework of this article alone. And it is also very important to say that in the process of raising a child’s psyche, some parents or grandparents “implant” a part that prohibits him, child to conform to their gender for whatever reason. Of course, this is difficult to notice from the outside, and this is not done at once, but over a long period of time. What are the reasons for this trend? Let's take a closer look at them. Parents, due to the peculiarities of their personal formation (usually the instruction emanating from parents to “be the best”), are inclined to compete, compete with everyone, including their children. A mother with such behavior, for example, easily enters into competition with her own daughter. Including in relation to femininity. A woman who competes with her daughter (how could it be otherwise? She must be the best within her family, too, and she simply won’t tolerate a “rival” in her field), blocks the feminine principle in her daughter. Even if unconsciously, the result does not change. A man, a former boy, whose parents wanted him to be the best in the world, with the same competitive behavior, creates similar problems for his son. He competes with him and in every possible way blocks the masculine principle in him. (How do you like, for example, a speech addressed to a three-year-old child: “Why are you all such a slob? Real men never cry, it’s time to remember.” More options, for other age groups: “I was already earning money at your age,” “ At your age, I was already running all over the girls, and you are still sitting next to your mother.”) So, a child who strives to become “the best” demonstrates strong competitive behavior, and as he grows up, of course, he does not stop this. And so, for example, a girl with such behavior has a husband, and competition within the family increases. Unfortunately, she is often unable to realize that the matter is not only in her husband, but also in herself. Her husband becomes an enemy for her who must be defeated at any cost. But it’s impossible to win. And here, sometimes, the last resort is used: to turn one’s own son against the husband. Or your own daughter. What psychological processes are triggered in a child when parents turn him against each other, you can guess. At a minimum, the child becomes disoriented in terms of identifying his own gender. Within his personality, the conflict between the male and female parts grows and expands. You can often observe how families begin to destroy the image of the father and undermine his authority. This is a direct consequence of an unfavorable generic scenario and, in fact, the essence of one of these popular scenarios. A scenario is a script, so that roles are spelled out in it, from which one is “not supposed” to deviate. Roughly speaking, “dad is bad”, “momgood” and “the eternal struggle between good and evil” in a typical six-meter kitchen. This tradition of relationships is passed down from generation to generation. If a boy is born into such a family, then he very quickly, so to speak, learns that “dad is bad,” and “you can’t be bad,” therefore, “you need to become good,” that is, like your mother. That is: you cannot be a man, you must become a woman. The fact that the generic scenario is in no way the true state of affairs, but only an unsuccessful template for relationships, is directly indicated by the fact that a boy appears in such a family. Our Slavic ancestors, in general, believed that a woman gives birth to her first boy if she is satisfied with her husband, and if she is dissatisfied, she gives birth to a girl. That is, if there is a boy, the wife is most likely happy, and at the same time, the often ineffective tradition of upbringing prevents her from seeing and feeling it fully, and she begins to hide from everyone, and first of all from herself, how much she really values and loves her husband. And by systematically expressing dissatisfaction and hostility to her husband, she inflicts psychological trauma on her son and blocks his masculinity. The situation when a man shows disrespect to his wife, especially if she considers herself “the worst of all” from childhood - this is from the parental wish “keep your head down” - and he considers himself “the best” - such a man blocks the feminine principle in their daughter. A girl grows up in a family where being a woman is not prestigious and ineffective, and there is a high chance that she will make a choice in favor of “being a man.” In a situation where, say, a mother constantly tells her son something like: “Again You're acting like your dad! You know that you can’t be like him!”, the child develops a part of his personality that constantly reminds him that he behaves “like dad,” and this behavior is “bad.” (A similar situation exists for girls from families where the “bad” mother is: “Again, you’re like a mother! How many times have I told you: don’t follow her example, or do you also want to become a housewife?”) As a result, there is a powerful intrapersonal conflict associated with gender-role identification, with all the ensuing consequences, ranging from a constant outflow of energy to self-aggressive behavior. And then it happens that a forty-year-old man exclaims in despair: “Here again I speak like a father! When will this finally end?!” And from his words, it is clear that he wants with all his might to suppress everything in himself that makes him at least a little like his father, the most important man in his life, watching whom he formed a male model of behavior. We talked about , what impact does the pseudological chain “mom is good, dad is bad” have on boys, which, unfortunately, is very common. For girls, in particular, for the formation of adequate gender behavior in a future woman, such a message can have no less harmful consequences. Do you know how this happens? Very simple. The chain is completed: “Mom needs to be protected from dad.” And to do this, you need to become as strong as dad (or even - I’m ashamed to say - stronger than dad). This is how girls often “turn” into boy “heroes” (inspired to fight by slogans like: “grow up and outshine your dad,” “you are so strong, stronger than many men,” etc.). However, we will talk more about how we “protect mom” in the following articles. For now, let’s return to the issue of gender-role identification. In many Slavic traditions, it was believed that a child chooses his own gender before the age of 5-7 years. To do this, initiations were carried out with young children in the form of games, where they were asked to realize their gender and their role in the future family: breadwinner or homemaker. And at the same time, the discrepancy between the physical gender and the chosen one was very rare among the Slavs due to a very careful and environmentally friendly attitude to raising children. Gender-role identification is, of course, a purely individual matter. Here everyone chooses their own taste and color, and, naturally, any adult has the right to choose, because we live in our free time. But we are now talking about choice without choice. ABOUT