Greetings! There is such a common phrase about “be yourself,” but the rule “just be yourself” is not working, it is impossible to follow it, because it does not entail either an understanding of what it is, or an understanding of what needs to be done for this. Therefore, we need to understand what processes lie under “being oneself,” and I propose to start from the opposite: to understand what “being not "Being not yourself is a behavior that is controlled by the desire to be liked or the fear of not being liked more than by the real context or internal motivation. Those. the external (or internal) social context exerts an influence that blocks the desired (by us) behavior. The desire to be liked or the fear of not being liked shifts attention to factors that are not directly controlled, because lie in the realm of what others do or do not do. Therefore, attempts to influence this will encounter unpredictability of the result, sometimes creating the desired effect, but more often not. Reinforcement that occurs irregularly is very powerful, which is why the behavior can be repeated over and over again. It's like playing in a casino - a random win creates strong reinforcement, but in fact, over a period of time, a loss of money. The flip side of this is that a lot of effort is spent within oneself on doing something, don’t understand what, and don’t understand how. There is an illusion of some kind of internal activity, but it is not clear what and with what. And also a large amount of effort in external behavior in order to deserve approval or not to deserve disapproval. As a result of such “hard work” - no pleasure, helplessness and exhaustion, and most importantly - disconnection from one’s internal motivations and dissatisfaction, because all the energy was spent on trying to control uncontrollable. And the result of all this is the feeling that “I am not myself.” I don’t do what is important to me and what stems from my internal motivation, but I do what should cause a reaction of approval or not cause a reaction of disapproval in others. This is how it works. And in order to “be ourselves” we need the following skills : The ability to separate what can be controlled from what cannot, engaging in the former and letting go of control from the latter. The ability to conjure up contexts with reduced social influence, for example, by imagining how you would act if you were the one whom did not care about the opinions of other people. The ability to reach out to one’s Values, i.e. build contact with deep motivations that you freely choose and which are processes. The ability to get out of the influence of “should” attitudes - in relation to yourself, others or the world. If you need help specifically for your situation, sign up for consultations (WhatsApp, Telegram , personal communications).Psychologist Kirill Kryzhanovsky