Margarita was 29 years old when she fully realized that she wanted an independent life. But the conversation with my mother somehow didn’t work out. Attempts to protect her mother from interference in her personal life ended with Margot agreeing with her parent’s position. The girl herself did not want conflict; on the contrary, she saw in her mother a very strong woman, from whom she took an example. There was literally no father in her life. The mother took on the responsibilities of both parents and was somewhat successful. She owns a chain of clothing stores, earns good money, but at the same time she always found time for her daughter. Over time, the mother's love evolved into total control. If in adolescence this was manageable, then in adulthood my mother’s interest and advice became a hindrance. The first attempt to escape the control of my only parent was unsuccessful. When Margarita wanted to move, her mother offered to help with housing and did it in her own style - she bought her an apartment in the same building and entrance where she lived. The second attempt was marriage. At the age of 21, Margarita decided to get married and did, but her mother’s convictions that this was not the man she needed led to a divorce two years later. Of course, my mother did not play the main role in the collapse of the union, but she contributed to it. The couple did not have children in this marriage, so the separation passed quickly for everyone except Margot, whom this event returned to the control of her mother. Mom did not build or plan to build her personal life, but, as before, paid all her attention to her daughter. Sometimes Margarita was even ashamed: the girl saw how her mother loved her and did everything for a carefree life, because despite the absence of her father in their life, Margot never felt like a child from, as they say formally, an incomplete family. On the contrary, attention and There was plenty of adult participation. At that time, Margot had not yet lost herself - desires, dreams, goals - and wanted to leave her mother, maintaining communication with her. The girl had already tried to do this on her own many times, but it didn’t work. She decided to see a psychologist. The literature helped me choose a specialist. Before that, she studied several books on separation - separation from parents - and came to the conclusion that she could try looking for help in a specialist's office. But she could not even imagine what awaited her at the first consultation. Beginning of therapy Margo made an appointment for a consultation with Anna Sherstobitova, a leading psychologist at the Tyumen regional center “Family”. She came with the words: “I want to break away from my mother.” The girl cried almost the entire conversation. It turned out that subconsciously the girl imagined her beloved mother as not such a kind person. In subsequent work with Anna, Margarita described her mother as a buzzing insect. “Margarita spoke with pain about how she had long wanted to decide for herself: what to wear, who to work with, who to love and who not. Yes, sometimes rebellious attempts arose to end such a relationship with her mother, but the woman very skillfully suppressed them. Margot said that she wanted independence, but admitted that maintaining a relationship with her mother was also important for her. Only the mother, in the girl’s mind, had to perform other functions: not as a dictator, but as a person who would support and listen. The client admitted that she felt completely helpless in decisions that actually related to her personal life. One such example was that my mother insisted on quitting her previous job and hiring Margot to work with her as a manager. Margarita had to work with documents, but in her heart she dreamed of being an illustrator. It was real violence against oneself,” says Anna. One of the reasons why the rebellious spirit did not allow Margot to slam the door at the age of 18 and run away into adulthood with youthful maximalism was that she still grew up without a father. Because of this, Margarita could rely only on the only opinion of her mother, who chose an authoritarian position in her relationship with her daughter. Such parents are notThey only read lectures and lectures, but also consider children their property. Therefore, when a girl, approaching adulthood, had a desire to go to college in another city, her mother did her a disservice by saying: “Daughter, let’s go to our city, you don’t have to worry about housing, money, and in general it’s dangerous in such a age." By leaving her near her, she interrupted a very important stage in separation - she did not allow her to try to arrange her life based on her ideas and skills. In psychology, this is called functional separation, when a person can take care of himself in everyday life: find housing, earn money for food, and so on. The psychologist explains that separation should occur at a moment determined by nature and the psyche. For most, this is exactly the period of 18–20 years. If you interfere with separation at this stage of a person’s personality development, then going through the period of separation will be more difficult and painful. We must accept that at the age of 40 it is impossible to be a child; yes, a person is still a daughter or son, but not a child. Separation has such a stage as the battle for recognition of independence, when a boy or girl needs recognition of their successes, personal opinion, they want their decisions to be respected. “If the same 18-year-old person is constantly given money, then there will be no incentive to earn it independently. And when a parent continues to exert influence over the decisions of their daughter or son, this leads to helplessness. In the case of Margarita, she always needed some kind of person who would tell her whether she was doing the right thing or not - such a constant mentor. Who to be friends with, who to go on a date with, what to buy for dinner? The girl resolved all these issues with an eye on her mother’s assessment and waited for her approval,” the psychologist recalls. — A person in such a relationship with his parents develops very much infantilism. Childish behavior traits remain in adulthood.” For example, Margot said that her mother could call in the evening and scold her for the fact that at 6 pm the light in the window in her adult daughter’s apartment was not on. She called Margarita on the phone and said: “Why aren’t you at home, it’s late, it’s dark. Let's go home". When you are 30, to put it mildly, this is out of place. But Margot listened to her mother, got ready and went home. Here is the story when the biological age did not correspond to the psychological one. Excessive overprotection of parents can lead to the fact that a person at the age of 20 is completely unadapted to life. Yes, it is somehow convenient for the parent that the child is always nearby, but there may also be consequences. For example, in our story, if the mother wanted to build a relationship, then Margarita could begin to prevent this, she would regard this as her mother’s desire to leave her.” The psychologist touched on all these details of Margarita’s life already at the first meeting, gently conducting the conversation and asking questions. We managed to talk through many grievances and feelings, and it became clear that a lot of work lay ahead. Margarita admitted that although she feels like a butterfly in a cocoon, she sees that there is some kind of light in the distance. From the first meeting, Margot had hope that everything could be changed. As the psychologist explained, hope is also a resource and meaning, thanks to which the desire to continue to fight appeared. Looking ahead, let's say that Margarita got married again and went to live by the sea, and all this is thanks to the girl's responsibility and her great desire to change everything. But before that there were 4 months of responsible work between the psychologist and the client. What was the basis for working with a psychologist? Part of the consultations were carried out using metaphorical cards. The technique allows you to turn off rationality, deduce, and unconsciously talk about the essence of the problem. Maps help to express, concretize and formulate a person’s thoughts. The psychologist also used Gestalt therapy. It is aimed at establishing relationships with one’s own “I”. Note. What is this in simple words? This is working with a deck—with cards that a psychologist can use to diagnose your condition and together find a way out of a difficult situation.The specialist asks questions using a certain set of images - cards, and the person uses the images or the cards themselves to find answers. This is very brief, in fact, it is a complex and structured technique. Working with the role of mother in life, Margarita chose a card that depicted a creature that really looked like an insect. No, Margot didn’t want to get rid of it in the literal sense, but she said that the insect was a big nuisance. “If we transferred this choice to her mother, it turned out that Margarita was very much hampered by her parent’s lectures and constant orders on what to do. MAC is a tool where a psychologist only guides a person, helps him look at what is happening from the outside. But at the same time, the client will make his own conclusions about what is happening. The fact is that when answering questions, on an unconscious level, he selects the right card, which gives the correct answer. Let me give you an example: according to the method in the first deck, a person needs to define himself, this row of cards is called a person. They depict people drawn in various techniques, using different colors, shapes, and so on,” explains Anna. These cards can cause aggression and fear. They are designed for an emotional response. Margarita chose a fuzzy, blurry picture for herself; the man on the map looked lost. When the choice of person was for the mother, the card depicted a man with sharp and masculine features, who really resembled an insect. Next, the psychologist asked the client to describe the selected cards, what she sees on them, what she feels, how she thinks, why all this happened to her. This whole process occurs unconsciously, so the person cannot control it, and then we receive true desires, and behind them come decisions. Working with cards allows you to speak without thinking; in such matters the rational part is not needed. To work through the trauma and achieve real feelings, it’s easier to start talking about yourself as if in the third person. “To work with feelings, we also used Gestalt therapy. For example, when Margarita clasped her hands in response to some questions or during her own story, I stopped her and asked her to tell me what she felt at that moment. With some clients, we only remember during consultation what it is and what feelings there are in principle. Adults sometimes only remember in conversation what they have: anger, resentment, melancholy, shock, amazement, euphoria. Because they usually describe their condition in two words: “Normal and abnormal” - these are not feelings. But it is they, like beacons, that help determine a person’s true attitude or situation. I repeat, it’s right to look from the outside,” says Anna Sherstobitova. While undergoing therapy with a psychologist, a person still talks to himself and subconsciously understands this, over time he accepts and finds a way out of the situation himself. In ordinary life, we weigh our problems, words, actions, so for the most part we make decisions based on generally accepted opinion, attitudes, which prevent us from realizing our desires. At the consultations, Margarita primarily found resources that helped her begin to separate from her mother. The girl was able to see that she is a very sociable person, this helped her make new acquaintances. Margot is a patient and flexible person. The first quality helped bring the therapy to “recovery,” and the second led to the fact that she followed the psychologist’s recommendations and homework without resistance. In consultations with Anna, Margot worked for a long time with her mother’s attitudes: “You’re not ready yet. You can’t, you’re still a child.” In conversations it became clear that one of the installations, in principle, was not intended for her. No matter how strange it may be, Margarita’s mother herself was a rebel towards her own mother. The fact is that Margot’s grandmother told her mother that she was behaving incorrectly and living incorrectly. During these conversations, little Margot was present at the time, who later, as an adult, retained these attitudes, and when she described her feelings, that