Every day we communicate with our children in some way. As a rule, each parent has a certain set of phrases, patterns or familiar and quite stable phrases with the help of which he, the parent, tries to raise his child. Our usual everyday phrases contain special information - hidden messages. Based on parental statements, the child forms an opinion about himself, about the people around him, and the world around him. We specially compiled this selection from various sources and borrowed from various authors, so that every parent (or child) could clearly see what some forms of education and communication can lead to. Phrase - Hidden message - Possible alternative Be quieter, slower, more careful - Don't trust the world, don't live to the maximum - Do it 100%, have fun I'll kill you, screw you, it's better I had an abortion - Disappear, don't be - Everything like that should be categorically excluded from speech!!! Don't pay attention - You and your problems are not important - Let's try to look at this from different angles, look for alternatives Let's move! Hurry! Shut up! And other orders - You are not important. My interests are more important than yours - We have 15 minutes. Let's agree on what we can do to make it on time? You will always remain a little son/daughter for me - Don't grow up - I like to see you grow up and explore the world Don't cry, don't laugh so loudly, don't be boring - Don't express your emotions - I understand your feelings That you are like little, you need to be more serious - Don’t be a child - But he’s actually a child! Eliminate such statements; I can repeat them to you as much as possible! You can never do it, remember it, etc. - You're stupid, you can't do anything yourself. You are bad, a loser - I trust you. Your actions are your responsibility. We all make mistakes. We learn through mistakes Don't do it, I'd rather do it myself - I don't believe in you - I trust you, you can Boys don't cry, Girls should be quiet - A man has no right to emotions, Women are victims - You can freely express your feelings . I understand you. If you fall, break, bite, break, etc. threats - The world is dangerous, don’t act - I trust you. Try, act Sloppy, stupid, my grief and all other name-calling, as well as any generalizations like everyone around is thieves and scoundrels - And you are the same - All of them can form a false idea about themselves and should be excluded from speech You always.., never.. , all my life... I knew it - You are hopeless. Impossibility of change Look not at the person, but at the specific action. Your life is in your hands Comparison with other children You are bad, it would be better if there was someone else instead of you I love you as you are Of course, the child himself chooses the basic guidelines on which he will build his character and life, but we can help him build a more harmonious relationship with himself and the world around us. Children learn to live and build relationships with the world around us, based on our attitude towards them. Let's now see what results some of our actions can lead to. If Then he The child is constantly criticized - he feels inferior and learns to condemn others The child lives in hostility, learns aggressiveness The child is ridiculed becomes withdrawn The child is constantly reproached, gets used to being guilty of everything The child is pressured, learns to lie The child is controlled all the time Grows up irresponsible The child is compared with other children Learns to envy BUT if then he Childare encouraged Believes in themselves The child is supported Values ​​himself The child grows in friendliness and acceptance Learns to love and believes that the world is beautiful The child is trusted Believes in himself The child grows in honesty He distinguishes between good and evil and learns to be honest with himself The child grows in recognition Learns to set and achieve goals The child is sympathized and empathized Learns to be noble The child is praised Becomes generous, learns to love himself I can imagine the horror that parents feel after reading all this. And I hear their questions. What to do? How to live? How to raise children? You can’t praise them if they behave badly! I agree, under no circumstances is it possible. Children are often obnoxious, behave badly, and so I interfere with the adults there doing their business! Let's stop at this point for a moment. Dear my parents. Why did you give birth to children? Answer yourself honestly. Because everyone around has already acquired children, but you haven’t yet? Or to get more living space from the state? Or did it just happen that way? Or has the age already approached or so as not to be left alone in old age? Don’t act out your problems on your children! Have pity on them, they are not to blame for your problems, failures, illnesses and other misfortunes. You called them into this world and only you (and not grandmothers, schools, the state) bear responsibility for them - small, defenseless before your words and actions. For them you are gods, wizards and miracle workers. You are their most important saviors and comforters in all their sorrows. It is to you that they seem like trifles from the height of the years you have lived. But they haven’t lived all these years yet. For them, a broken toy can be the most unfortunate misfortune in the world. The child's psyche is designed by wise nature so that troubles are quickly forgotten, and five minutes ago an inconsolable child could already be enjoying some bug. But his grief is truly grief, even if it seems trivial to us. Please remember this and do not turn from a magnanimous and all-forgiving god into a punishing god. There are several general rules for treating a child. The most important of them: Love your child! You can say with indignation that naturally every parent loves their child and that the psychologist is completely crazy if he dares to suspect parents of dislike for their natural children. Then I will suggest this to you: the next time you get angry at your child, scold him or try to brush off his problems, ask yourself “would you do the same thing if I loved you?” Moreover, your answer may well be positive. Then you really know how best to treat and raise a child. The fact that you punish your child, forbid him something, carry out some punitive measures does not mean in itself that you are a bad parent. That's what a parent is for, to educate. The whole question is how, by what methods you do this. But let’s return to the rules. Yu.B. Gippenreiter has developed these simple but very effective rules that, I hope, will help you. Do not interfere in the child’s business unless he asks you for help. By your non-interference you will be telling him, “You’re okay! You can handle it yourself!” If it’s difficult for a child and he is ready to accept your help, be sure to help him. At the same time, take upon yourself only what he cannot do himself, leave the rest to him to do. As your child masters new actions, gradually transfer them to him. Gradually but steadily, remove your concern and concern for your child's personal affairs and transfer them to him. Allow your child to face the negative consequences of his actions (or his inaction). Only then!