From the author: I love my son very much, a long-awaited and very desired child (as long as I can remember, I wanted a son). He is a very active and inquisitive child, kind, attentive and practically uncontrollable. Disobedience in everything and doing everything in defiance is his stable behavior. The project with letters turned out to be excellent, it’s interesting to work - the texts are such that they allow us to simultaneously reveal a lot of important topics. Thanks to the authors, and especially thanks to those who write in personal mail about their resonances - it turns out that situations and feelings “response” for many: “in a letter from a complete stranger it is written exactly as everything is happening to me”... “You they answered the author, but I have the feeling that they wrote an answer to me personally..."Read, get a grasp of it, think, change your life...________________________________________________ Question: Hello Natalia Anatolyevna. I ask you to help me understand myself, the situation that I am in and guide me in a constructive direction. I am 30 years old, married, with a 5-year-old child. I love my son very much, a long-awaited and very desired child (I have wanted a son for as long as I can remember). He is a very active and inquisitive child, kind, attentive and practically uncontrollable. Disobedience in everything and doing everything in defiance is his stable behavior. He only listens when I start to get excited and swear, and then according to the following pattern: “Son, put away the toys” - ignoring (like this 10 times), “Take it away or I’ll punish you” (like this 5 times) - he persuades “No need, I’ll be right there”, I I wait, start up and start shouting that the street (or something else important for today) will be banned for 2-3 days, he begins to persuade me not to do this, but the toys are not put away, I do not give up the position of “put it away and that’s it” and here the variations in the child’s behavior are as follows: “if that’s the case, then I don’t love you anymore,” “I’m not friends with you,” “you’re bad, although I love you.” “I’m offended and don’t talk to you anymore,” etc. ., I put the punishment into effect, but the toys are not removed. And only when I start to remove them with him (already cooled down) he does it, but only together. I tried to break this scenario - in vain. And so goes for everything. Asking a child: “why are you behaving this way?” - he replies “we are a family and must do everything together” - Well, he’s right - we declare it ourselves... but this is pure manipulation. Just like when I said, “but you were the one who scattered it,” he says, “Well, you love your child.” I'm panicking. I don’t understand what should I do? Is this a sign of age? Probing the boundaries of what is acceptable? Or did I let it get to my neck and now I don’t know how to fix it? After all, this is the wrong model of interaction with the world as a whole that is being formed. When the husband gets involved in this situation, he simply puts pressure, scolds and gets his way, but through the incredible nerves of the whole family. Under dad's pressure, the son begins to roar, scream, ask me for protection, but I don't know how to behave, so I either remain silent, or defend, destroying dad's authority - this is so wrong, but what is right? After all, if he does not receive protection, then he may form: “She doesn’t love me or there is no protection from her, it’s not safe with her.” Could this behavior be a reflection of my husband’s and my different understanding of upbringing? I believe that you need to talk and explain, and “on the butt” is generally a last resort; I don’t like shouting. And my husband thinks that if he didn’t understand the first time, then he should push right through, including “on the bottom.” We try not to discuss this in front of the child and not to swear in front of him, but we are not entirely pure, so to speak. And against this background, my son began to irritate me greatly. I get irritated almost immediately, because I know which “carousel” we will now go on and what the result will be... in general, probably from my own powerlessness. As a result, I think that it’s better to go on vacation without a child - so at least there will be a vacation and then I even hate myself for these thoughts. I try to arrange outings first with him (as for work), and then together with my husband (as a vacation) at least for the weekend, and then I blame myself for these “like work” feelings. Lately, I’m increasingly out of controlalready these attacks of anger at the child - I lash out at him, I say this. What you shouldn’t say to a child: “Your behavior is disgusting, that’s why we’re not going anywhere because of you” - I assign him a feeling of guilt... I don’t want to do that, but that’s how it turns out. Please help me figure it out. _______________________________________ Answer: Hello, Mirona. I would like to reassure you right away - these symptoms “I can’t cope, it’s hard for me to be together, I’m irritated with the child...” are very common, many parents are facing them now - and all because “with good intentions... “Now I’ll tell you where these problems “grow” from. It’s all “to blame” for the desire to be an ideal mother (you are scolded for even thinking that the child is not a joy) and the desire to raise an ideal child (not to harm him in any way or in any way, never to injure him). An intense desire to have the right to say - “I do everything right, I can’t be blamed for anything, I’ve never done anything wrong, I’m an ideal parent and I will have an ideal child.” You focused on ensuring that your child never has any reason not to to love you... And for you this has an inflated value, this is your greatest fear... as for many who in childhood did not receive love - complete and creative. But even worse is that a super-idea was born - if I had not been traumatized in childhood by rejection and violence, then I would have had the love of my parents in my life, and everything would have turned out differently for me. And therefore, I will definitely give everything I can to my child, I will not offend him anywhere, I will sacrifice everything for him... As the psychotherapist M.L., whom I respect, once said. Pokrass: will a cat be a cat if it is turned inside out? So it is with you - it seems that if you remove everything “bad” from your relationship with your parents, then everything will be fine, correct. But the absence of unhappiness does not yet mean the presence of happiness... A huge number of parents in raising their child do not see, do not hear, and even “out of the corner of their eye” do not guess about his interests and conditions, but instead there is an eternal war with the ghosts of their own childhood... I was forced to walk to music? - I won’t do that, was I allowed to skip school? - I won’t allow mine, everything is exactly the opposite... but “will the cat be a cat”? Are you really doing this for the sake of the child, or are you just “scratching” your childhood traumas? you rewrite your childhood sores about raising your children... Loving children is pleasant and easy, but we are obliged to educate them - to raise them, shape them, prepare them for adulthood, for independence. The task of parents is to make the child strong, and not to protect him from reality. Sooner or later there will be no parents, and Adult life does not make any discounts for anyone. “She doesn’t love me or there is no protection from her, it’s not safe with her.” You have experienced a shift from the desire to do good to him, to the desire to never become the cause of his suffering. The most important thing in the world for you is to be a good, beloved parent in his eyes, and it doesn’t occur to you that this is not an “equal sign” that a good person will grow up. What arguments do I usually give in favor of the fact that severity, refusal, misunderstanding, pressure and even violence (in a sense, not physical or moral, but violence - when you wake up a child early in the morning, when you don’t give him junk food, when you force him to give injections or take medicine) is not only inevitable, but also necessary... - we remember strict teachers longer after finishing school, we gradually realize that behind their strictness there was a concern for their work, for us, unlike the good ones, who had only two grades - 4 and 5... - when a valuable fruit tree is grown, it is necessarily “traumatized” - pruned, they graft, spray... if you just take care of it, then there will be no quality apples, and after the sale of the dacha they will cut it down first. In parenting it is very difficult to find “right” and “wrong”, because both the process and the result are very relative. The same methods on different children (even twins) give different results. And certain qualities of a child at some stages of life can be his pride, and at some stages - hisproblems. Parenting can NEVER be assessed objectively. And alcoholics raise brilliant children, and geniuses grow up to be alcoholics, figuratively speaking. Therefore, the only way out is to act at your own risk and take full responsibility - that is, make sometimes controversial and risky decisions, and not just avoid the child’s negative emotions. Yes , and rely only on your own feelings, on your own opinion, and constantly “monitor” the cause-and-effect relationships of your actions... In general, you will not relax))) For some reason (most likely, from a feeling of your own childhood dislike) you We organized relationships in our family according to the principle: the child is the center of our universe, the sun of our life, around which we all revolve, the crown of our relationships, our Child is the Person for whom we live, for whom everything was started, the meaning of our relationships. This is a common situation now - a child-centered family model))) In general, children are born not to provide mom and dad with the meaning of life... but for the joy of discovering themselves and the world, for the opportunity to find themselves and their meaning in life... but At first everything goes well, but as the baby grows up, it becomes more and more difficult for parents to provide all the needs of the child. But he doesn’t let them get bored)) as in this letter. Did you want to feel needed by me (and not by each other)? Do you want to be together as a team? and always know why you live? - we’ll do it in the best possible way)) The problem here is that the child has been elevated to the rank of Chief... But how to manage the Chief? - no way, and ask only through a bow. Is it possible to cause damage to the Main One? - of course not, this is fraught with terrible punishment.. How can one not obey the Chief? it is impossible not to obey. That is, the child is not only a fundamental value in the life of the parents, but also the General Director who manages them... There are many signs of this in your letter: I love my son very much, a long-awaited and very desired child (for as long as I can remember I have wanted exactly son). He is a very active and inquisitive child, kind, attentive and practically uncontrollable. And here is the substitution: at first it seems that the best one is chosen as Chief... but in fact, the Chief is the one who will be responsible for all this, who has the right signatures - that’s what will be judged. Making the child the Head often tells parents the desire to avoid responsibility for the results of their upbringing, but they do not realize this, they think that they wanted what was best for the child... For example - Asking a question to a child: “why are you behaving this way?” I have a counter question - why are you asking him? what will this give you? there are some reasons that he will name, and then you will say - oh, well, yes, of course, then don’t remove it? What do you want to hear in response from him? If you demand from a child to put away the toys, and you consider this demand fair, then why ask why he refuses? I will answer - for insurance. To confirm that I have the right to put this pressure on him. You need him to understand and confirm to you out loud: you are doing everything right, you are forcing me correctly (this is again about the fear “he won’t love me”). But let’s think about it - if someone recognizes the justice of your actions - will he resist them? And also - if in words he says - well, yes, he scattered it himself, he must collect it himself, but in reality - he continues NOT to do it, then he UNDERSTANDS? or pretended to understand? Do you hear what I'm getting at? - you can’t explain, but you can teach to feign understanding... Now you will ask me a question that has been starting to make me angry lately))) “how to convey this to him?” ))))Only the combination of hydrogen and oxygen, two gases, gives us the greatest substance on earth - water, and in itself does not at all have the same beneficial properties. In the same way, to transmit information, two molecules of abstract information (words, pictures, stories, a book) and one molecule of “sensory experience” should be used - that is, when information comes through sensations (one of the leading channels of its.