Bad manners or bad taste is a personality quality expressed in a predisposition to actions, manners, behavior that are considered indecent, inappropriate, not accepted in a given society. Yesterday I wrote a note for a closed discussion with colleagues. Are you a psychologist ? We need to talk. The topic received a great response. I decided to bring it up for open discussion, using a case example from practice. Not long ago, while working with the mother of a former client of mine who had successfully completed therapy, I encountered this situation. Christina’s mother, let’s call her Tatyana (57 years old), did not understand that several times calling a 32-year-old daughter a day who has recently entered into a new relationship is a violation of boundaries. - I'm a mother! I need to know how Christine is doing, how are she and Mauricio? (Mother and daughter live in another country). - Tanya, you and I (with the client we speak on “you”, I don’t see anything wrong with this, when the client asks, I switch to “you”) are almost the same age, remember how in the early 90s -x it was not considered terrible either in Russia or in Ukraine (Tatyana is Ukrainian) to visit without calling Do you now go to visit without warning - My mother came to us with her first husband, Kristinochkin’s dad, immediately after the wedding, opening the door? with my key! Of course, I was angry! What should I do if I want to find out how my daughter is doing? - I think I should write to Christina first and ask when it’s convenient for her to talk - She’s a big shot to see. make an appointment?! - Not the minister, but your ADULT daughter, with whom you don’t have the best relationship now, I think it’s worth loosening your control a little. Remember how in the environment of animals, if two adult cats live in the same house, mother and daughter, does a mother control her daughter? - So this is MY kitten... - Still a kitten, yes! And when did this kitten turn into an adult cat? Does the mother cat continue to control her daughter or do they interact as equals? A month has passed. - I never thought that I behave just like my mother! You really opened my eyes. I now understand why Christina was so furious. Now we are already chatting like two girlfriends, yesterday we went to the sale, she chose so many beautiful outfits for me. You know what taste she has... The relationship between mother and daughter has improved qualitatively just from the mere understanding that there are psychological boundaries and each person has their own! Sometimes people simply do not know that their actions can be unpleasant for others, as in the case of calls. After all, one person’s picture of the world may not coincide with the picture of the world of another! Especially when we are talking about people of different generations (as in the case of Tatyana and her daughter), conditional statuses (psychologist-client; doctor-patient, manager-subordinate), simply unfamiliar or unfamiliar. As an actively practicing psychologist, whose phone number and Skype are in open access, I also experience not the most pleasant feelings when people call without warning about the call in advance. All clients, and most of them are in long-term therapy, have their own days and hours. It is customary to contact potential clients for whom you have to look for “windows” in advance, using a personal message here or in instant messengers. PS Do you think that it is now customary to make calls after obtaining consent to communicate? © Family psychologist Natalia Filimonova, 2021. All rights reserved. Methods of working with MAC online using interactive technologies FREE WEBINAR Advantages of the site Psychologists on b.17 for successful practice