Why this topic and why it is important. I think it is significant for several reasons, which I will now share with you: Psychotrauma in relationships is something that happens to almost every person. In my practice and in life, I rarely meet people who have not had a relationship end, no matter whether it was a love relationship or a family relationship. The relationship ended and how a person survived it will influence his entire future personal life. Unfinished relationships are the stone and the burden that weighs on our souls and forcefully pulls us to the bottom of loneliness. And third, in any case, past relationships influence us and form beliefs about what they should be like in the future, and whether we want it or not, we begin to attract problems in the present. And the last fourth knowledge is power, as they say, and if you are aware, then you are armed. And a happy, fulfilling life largely depends on whether a person has gone through all the phases of psychotrauma or survived them. Of course, knowledge alone will not give you complete freedom, but it will certainly bring you closer to it. In the psychological literature, there are five phases of relationship trauma. The first is shock and denial, a breakthrough of feelings or an emotional phase-stage, the second is my favorite unemotional phase, when the clients with whom I worked say that everything was fine, I left the relationship behind, but there are no new ones, or they also say: men- There are many lovers, but there is no one or nothing serious is in sight. Such statements indicate that the trauma of the relationship has not been experienced. The next stage is the most unpleasant and difficult, in my opinion, the depressive stage, then the stage of grief and regret for what happened and the last stage of recovery and recovery, which I call the resource stage. And now everything is in order. What happens when you break up with a loved one. 1.Phase of shock and denial. A person cannot believe what happened, what happened. There are several important points here. Ending a relationship does not happen out of the blue. Your relationship was at an impasse and in crisis. Maybe they became more monotonous, more boring, passion left, love faded, etc. Relationships don't end out of the blue. It's rare that both partners can sit across from each other and talk about problems openly and honestly. This is very rare, often one person and it doesn’t matter whether it’s a man or a girl, the woman is the initiator of the breakup. All this speaks of accumulated and undiscussed unspoken problems. By the way, I can tell you now about the dynamics of the relationship in a nutshell. The romance of the relationship lasts for at most a year, but as a rule lasts from three to 6 months and after that both decide whether to extend the relationship further or call it a day. This period is called the candy-bouquet period. And many naively believe that everything will continue like this for the rest of their lives: the spouse will give flowers, buy gifts, the spouse will dress smartly, take care of herself, and update her outfits. They will travel to restaurants, cafes, bars, passionate revelations and kisses under the moon. This continues for a maximum of a year and no more. And this is a scientifically proven fact. But after this year, couple relationships, marital relationships begin. So, now about denial, which is and will be costly for those who will continue to build relationships of the same type. The girl does not believe in the first hours, or even days (two or three days) that her dear and beloved person in quotation marks came somehow, in the afternoon or evening, it doesn’t matter and said: All our relationships are at a dead end, they are over, we are leaving or pack up your belongings and look for a place to live or I'm leaving. At the same time, one may be sincerely sad, while the other or the other will be in complete shock. And the shock reaction is primary in the dynamics of psychological trauma in relationships. The girl is in complete shock, she has no words, her throat is dry, her heart is beating at two hundred beats per minute, her head is wobbly, there is a lump in her throat, nausea, her legs are giving way, the person seems to fall into this state and cannot believe it,that she was abandoned. And the feeling of disbelief can last a very long time; this is a protective psychological mechanism that each of us has. And if we do not begin to accept what happened, and this process is painful, difficult, sometimes very difficult, then we will not build new relationships. The first thing that will happen is a lack of motivation, a banal desire. And I often hear the phrase “Well, it’s not worth it for me to deal with men” when I work individually and consult. This is one of the consequences of not accepting what happened and what happened. And the psychologist works to ensure that the client begins the painful stage of psychotherapy - accepting the breakup. And then the work builds up to complete acceptance until the complete internal psychological completion of the relationship, because only a person is capable of building normal, healthy, happy relationships. Yes, you will need to remember, return to the unpleasant, but only in order to leave all this in the past once and for all. Because if we don’t forgive the person who left us, we won’t leave all our feelings and much more, and, running longer, we will remember the relationship with gratitude, then you WILL NOT HAVE a good, warm, love-filled relationship! After all, unlived psychological traumas directly prevent the emergence of new relationships.!!!! So, for you to understand, the first reaction to a breakup is SHOCK and not believing that it happened. Then the next psychological mechanism is the beginning of acceptance. The client often says yes, it happened to me, I was abandoned or I abandoned, it doesn’t matter. He talks about where and how it happened, whether there was a scandal or not, he remembers the details, but he talks about his feelings or about himself in the third person. 2. Phase of breakthrough of feelings. Or it is also called the emotional phase. This phase, I would say is cardinal, is often where our girls get stuck and do not move on. And what kind of new relationship can there be if one remembers pain, disappointment, suffering, guilt, shame, as well as self-flagellation, blaming oneself or one’s partner, and so on. During this phase, the range of feelings is very diverse and multifaceted. As they say, from love to hate there is one step - this is the breakthrough phase. Aggression, anger, and hatred often manifest themselves. Yes, fights, scandals and showdowns occur precisely in the second phase. Writing an application to the court for the division of property if the relationship still remains and it is problematic, then filing a statement with the police against the rowdy husband and domestic abuser - ALL THIS IS the second phase.!!!! What does the second phase mean, by the way, its time limits can be from three months to a year and in case of unexperienced relationships up to the present time. As they say, any feelings subside, but do not go away, and the diagnostics that we do will show whether they have been lived or not, whether they are in the past or tormented to this day. I’ll run a little harm about diagnostics. At my trainings and consultations, people said that everything had passed and they didn’t feel anything and didn’t regret the past, but as soon as they talked longer, for example, about a husband, lover, partner, then feelings and emotions floated again, surrounded, enveloped or fell like a snowball . What I want to tell you is that the absence of vivid experiences does not mean that they do not exist. And it means that they hid deep in the unconscious, they were repressed by your brain as painful and unnecessary, and if you press on the sore callus, it will hurt again. During this phase, a person begins to abuse alcohol, organizes parties, discos, restaurants, casual sex, spending money on clothes, in general, on everything a woman does in order to forget to get rid of tormenting feelings and experiences from her head 3. Non-emotional phase . At this stage, such a psychological defense mechanism works very powerfully: when I was there, I drank honey and beer, it flowed down my mustache, but it didn’t get into my mouth. Nothing happened to me, yes I left this bastard or he didn’t care about me, yes there were showdowns and there were feelings, but everything is fine with me. This is a clear indicator of this phase. I often say in my consultations (therapeutic sessions):