"Total deafness" or how parents do not hear their child. Good day. I’ll start by saying that the idea to write an article on this topic came to me about six months ago, but I somehow put it off and got distracted by other topics. But the beauty of life is that it does not allow you to be distracted from what is important for a long time, and in the last six months I have very often come across this very topic both in my practice and in my daily life. Therefore, having collected some knowledge, thoughts and observations, I decided to write an article about this, which I present to you for everyone to read. Russia is the largest country on the planet, thousands of kilometers, hundreds of cities, thousands of families live in every city, every family has parents are children, at least one. There is some kind of relationship between parents and their children, the parents are already adults, have lived in this world and are raising their child so that he too becomes a normal person (I will use the word “child” in relation to the child, because I think this the word is more suitable in the context of the article). So, there is a relationship between parents and their child, in this relationship a lot of interesting things happen, many different conflicts, different phenomena, different aspects, different problems. In this article I would like to stop and consider in more detail one of the phenomena in these relationships, I called this phenomenon “Total deafness”, and in this article we will look at it from the parents’ side, but from the child’s point of view. I will start from the moment when the child began speak and can already tell something to their parents, at the age of 4-5, at least in my experience there is such a case, so I will start from this age. At this age, the child tells his parents about his desires and needs; parents, of course, strictly filter what is possible and what is not. It is understandable what a small child wants: to play all day, eat candy and be close to his parents. This, of course, is impossible and parents have to adjust some of their child’s desires closer to their reality. The child is capricious, but agrees, in any case, it is better for parents to know what is correct now, and parents are authorities on whom a lot depends. Already at this stage I observe some notes, but not yet obvious, of this phenomenon of “total deafness”. Parents still quickly find contact with their child, and the child still greatly needs his parents, so “total deafness” does not manifest itself clearly. Then the child grows, begins to go to school, learns independence, responsibility, and discipline. Here parents explain how to behave correctly, what grades they need to get, what they need to do to be good at school and so that parents are proud of their child. The child, of course, tries to please his parents, tries to follow all the instructions, but already from the first grade, if this did not happen earlier, one can observe the phenomenon of “total deafness.” The child begins to tell his parents what and how he is doing at school, what worries he has, what he faces and what his needs are, and then the parent pushes in his own opinion, devalues ​​the importance of his child’s problem, begins to give advice and, in general, what It’s not clear here, child, go and follow the parent’s advice, and there won’t be any problems. Of course, the parent’s advice is most often far from the reality of the child and the problem in which he finds himself, but is it really worth it for an adult to understand all the nuances if everything is already clear. So the child has to get out of it, reality dictates one thing, and the parents say another, but for the child, the love and attention of the parents is much more important, so you have to fulfill and try to make the parents proud and loved. But since parents’ advice does not work, the child increasingly gets into all sorts of problems, which causes discontent from parents and ridicule from peers. Of course, the child explains to his parents what and how, but the parents know better what is right and how it should be, so they continue to give the right ones.advice: “get straight A’s,” “behave decently,” “be friends with your classmates and listen to your teachers.” Do it, and everything will be fine. This whole game can last until the moment when the child reaches adolescence, and this is when one can clearly observe the “total deafness” of the parents in all its glory. A child at this age begins to double-check all the attitudes that his parents have pushed into him against reality, and 99% of them are complete nonsense, in my opinion. It is against this discrepancy that the child protests, because the parents begin to prove even more that they are right, and his reality says quite the opposite, thereby the authority of the parents tends to zero, and the authority of peers and idols to infinity. But authority is authority, and the love of parents is as important to a child as air, so that it does not seem to the parents, but love and recognition from a parent, especially of their own gender, is vital for the child. Every child wants to be good for his parents, and the child does everything possible in his power to become good, but the “total deafness” of his parents simply leaves him no chance. The child simply sacrifices his desires and needs in order to become good for parents and get a little love and recognition. There are thousands of such examples. Over the past 6 months, I have actually encountered a dozen such cases. I’ll give you probably the most banal and common, but at the same time indicative. Shopping for clothes with parents, this, it seems to me, is a classic of “total deafness” of parents: - Well, which one do you like? - Mom, I like that orange jacket over there .- Why are you, that green one is great, it looks nice and the style is okay, I like it, let’s try it on. - Mom, maybe orange? - Let me try on that green one. - It fits perfectly, and it looks good, how do you like it? - Mom, I don’t really like it. - Excellent, excellent and there are internal pockets and lining, a very good jacket. How do you feel? - Mom, I don’t want to walk in it... - But I really like it, and how beautiful you look in it! Let's take it! Tell me that you have never encountered this... If not in your life, then you have definitely observed it with others or heard from others. Here is another case when parents send their child to some section or school, this is what the parents are guided by, I’m not talking about where they send it, but what they are guided by when they do not allow them to leave this or that section or school: - Dad, I don’t want to go to boxing anymore. - Why is this? - I don’t like that they beat me there, and it hurts. - Why aren’t you a man, every man should be able to fight and endure pain, why do you want to be a rag? - No. I just don’t like fighting. - What do you like? - I like to draw more? - Who needs your scribbles, what’s the use of them, are you going to protect yourself with them? And in general, I don’t like all these aesthetes, and you draw all sorts of nonsense. - But I.... - Listen, you’ll win competitions, get a rank, bring a certificate, you’ll have something to be proud of, and you won’t be ashamed to show others... - I don’t want... .- So, everything is not discussed, if you arise, I will forbid drawing at all. You go to boxing and it’s not discussed. Do you understand???- ....Obviously the parent “heard” his child... And I have heard many such examples. About the same picture with studies, where to go and what profession to choose, the parent always knows best... And the children study and receive diplomas for their parents and put them away for a long time... And dissatisfied parents, of course, blame their child for the fact that diplomas are lying around idle , and the child doesn’t even want to hear about diplomas and these professions, just as he no longer picks up the musical instruments that he learned to play at the children’s music school thanks to the sweet persistence of his parents. But we don’t forget that the child has a task to become good for your parents. And it’s not that this mission was completely impossible, but at least I saw only a very radical method of achieving it, and basically it was collapse and failure. For a child, the love, support and acceptance of his parent is important, and he does everything as maybe to achieve this very love and support, but how...