We often say certain words to people, considering them comforting or supportive. We hear the same things addressed to us, but sometimes we doubt the helping power of these words... And not in vain, because behind the most common and harmless consolations there is sometimes nothing more than a message about the intolerance of one’s own reactions to the behavior of another person. And at the same time, an unspoken request to the other - to stop expressing yourself now. Here are some common examples and possible messages behind these words: Don't cry! - It hurts me to see your tears, I would like to ease your suffering, but I don’t know how, so stop. Don’t be offended! - I feel guilty, but I hate to admit it and ask for forgiveness. Let's pretend that nothing happened. Don't be angry! - Your anger scares me and I don’t know how to deal with my fear. Stop. Don't be shy! - I don’t want to admit my embarrassment, so don’t show yours either. Don’t be nervous/worry! - Don’t give me a reason to think about what is happening and recognize my own worries, which may make me change my mind. Behave decently/quietly! “I’m ashamed to attract attention, I’m afraid of what others will think of me.” Don't create a situation where I'm forced to remember my shame. Don't argue! - I don’t want to allow the possibility of doubt about the position I have taken! Don’t be rude/yell/swear! - I don’t want to find out what in my behavior hurt you. Don’t whine/complain! “I’m afraid that I won’t be able to stand it and I’ll open up to you too.” I don't want to be vulnerable, I don't want to show my weakness. There are a great many such phrases, most of them are pronounced completely automatically. For example, the beloved “Everything will be fine” by many... What message can it convey, do you think? Observe yourself, remember the phrases you use to stop other people in order to calm yourself down and avoid confronting your own experiences. Share! We discuss your phrases and their meanings in the comments! PS If you allow yourself to do something that you forbid others (at least in your thoughts you forbid it or do not accept it), then you can often notice how much energy and strength it gives birth to in you! You can read more about unexpressed feelings and consequences in the article: How to be happy, or “learning to build relationships"