From the author: The article was published on my blog Throughout our lives, we depend on each other, and therefore relationships with others are at the center of our existence. We all passionately desire love and loving relationships, perhaps more than anything else, and we all long for that special relationship. Why then do so many people live alone, searching for their other half, but rarely finding what they want? Why do so many contradictions, quarrels and misunderstandings arise between lovers? Why do people in love and close to each other so often fail to find understanding among themselves? Maybe we are looking for love in the wrong places? Maybe the reason for all misunderstandings, quarrels and problems lies not in anyone, but in ourselves? Try to remember at least one situation in your life in which there was misunderstanding, pain, disappointment and sadness. Remember those times when someone tried to control you in everything and reflect on the following things that will be described below. Of course, every person has heard, and maybe even knows, that manipulation exists in their world. However, it occurs much more often than a person might think. Manipulation has become such a common, such an everyday part of our lives that we have stopped noticing it. A person is not born a manipulator. He learns, develops the ability to manipulate people in order to avoid trouble and achieve what he wants, and he develops this ability unconsciously. The life style of a manipulator is based on four pillars: lies, unawareness, control and cynicism. The pillars on which the actualizer “stands” are honesty, awareness, freedom and trust. In short, we need to manipulate more creatively, since actualization behavior is the same manipulative behavior, only expressed more creatively [Shostrom E. Man is a manipulator.; 13-21]. We think that people dictate rules, control people and their feelings, but in fact, only true love dictates people’s style of behavior. Loving people have enormous power over each other. And therefore, in love relationships there is often hidden control of the partner. But manipulation, as we saw earlier, is a dangerous type of relationship. Love is one of the highest human values, and special efforts should be made to preserve it, and therefore to protect it from manipulation. The topics of manipulation, love and love relationships remained the focus of attention among many domestic and foreign psychologists. But J. Rudinov turned out to be the only one among many authors who drew attention to the central role in the manipulation of motivational influence on the addressee. Russian philosopher V.S. Soloviev studied love as a means of overcoming the pervasive egoism so characteristic of the individualistic European experience. And the philosopher and sociologist E. Fromm considered love as a skill, feeling and act of will. There have been many studies done on the problems of manipulation between lovers. Many domestic and foreign psychologists were interested in this problem, such as: E. Bern, R. B. Gudin, E. Dotsenko, D. Carnegie, D. Martin, V. Sheinov, E. Shostrom, R. Schiller, etc. In his book E. Sjostrom noted that “... psychology is not intended at all to justify manipulative behavior, which does not allow the individual to live to the maximum of his capabilities. The task of psychology is not only to explain human behavior, but also to contribute to ours. self-knowledge and self-development" [Shostrom E. Man is a manipulator.; 28]. Many authors deal with the problem of manipulation between lovers, but each of them approaches this problem from their own point of view. Most psychologists say that women manipulate more often. But in my opinion, this issue has not been sufficiently studied and requires further research. Also, the exact signs and characteristics by whichlovers could determine what is hidden, controlled, and also how beneficial the manipulation is on the development of relationships. This article provides a study of the admissibility of manipulation between lovers, as well as the influence of manipulation on the development of relationships. The theme of love has concerned humanity throughout almost its entire history. Modern man is lost in a complex and often incomprehensible world. People are becoming more and more alienated from each other; fear, loss, and a feeling of uselessness penetrate their souls. The question arises about the very meaning of human existence [Prokhorova O. G. Fundamentals of family psychology and family counseling.; 37]. The one we love has power over us. Therefore, in a relationship called “love,” it is difficult to resist controlling and manipulating your partner. Any romantic relationship between a man and a woman is the most fertile ground for manipulation. Next, let's look at the manipulative techniques that men and women use in their relationships. A manipulator sees a woman as an object of sexual conquest. For him, women are things, not persons. The number of victories he has won is a measure of his masculinity, and what personal losses his “vanquished” suffer in the process is unimportant to him. For him, it’s like a sport: the more victories, the higher the manipulator’s self-esteem. That is, manipulation in this case is a compensatory mechanism for self-actualization. A manipulative woman uses men to make herself feel more attractive. She likes the feeling of female charm, she likes male attention, she likes to tease and lure men, and not for the sake of the final result. She likes the process of charming itself. She is only a seductress, and an extremely manipulative woman receives enormous sadistic satisfaction by rejecting a man who is seriously interested in her [Sheynov V.P. Hidden control of a person; 613-614].Very often the cause of manipulation in women is the typical inattention of men. Men often forget that their attention, affection, love and courtship are very important to women. Therefore, as soon as a woman stops receiving all this, she begins to look for ways to get what she wants. One should not think that manipulation does not exist in the world of men. The “stronger sex” of humanity uses power to obtain sex (for example, forcing women subordinates to have intimate contacts). And the “weaker sex” of humanity, on the contrary, uses sex to gain power over a man. The path here is traditional: to seduce - to marry oneself - to subjugate as a spouse. But sometimes these aspirations of a man and a woman coincide: he forces her, and she believes that she is catching him in her net. Thus, attracting the attention of a man by a woman is hidden control of him on the part of the woman [Sheynov V.P. Hidden control of a person; 615-634]. In order to study the acceptability of manipulation between lovers, as well as the impact of manipulation on the development of relationships, a study was conducted in which 30 women participated. The age of the subjects was from 18 to 50 years. To study manipulation in relationships, I developed a questionnaire in which I was asked to answer the question: is manipulation in a relationship with a loved one acceptable, and also to describe the reasons for using manipulation techniques. The survey provided the following results. In relationships with a loved one, 57% of women allow manipulation, and 43% believe that the use of manipulation in relationships is not applicable. Based on the results of the study, the following reasons for using manipulation were identified. In first place (18%) is the reason to change a man’s motivation, to push him to make certain decisions and actions necessary for a woman. All responsibility rests with the man, and no matter the outcome, the woman wins. In second place (8%) was the reason “for the benefit of the relationship,” where the manipulation was aimed at restoring and improving previous relationships, or to wean one from some bad habit. If a man does not have a woman.