Many people do not understand how addiction affects relationships. Psychological or emotional dependence manifests itself primarily in the desire for constant intimacy, in the awareness of oneself with another person as a whole. A partner is needed as a support, a source of support, providing a sense of security and satisfying immediate needs. With its disappearance, the most important thing is lost - a sense of security. That is why an adult woman has such strong fear at the thought of parting with her husband. All these descriptions are typical for a small child who is completely dependent on his mother. Dependent women experience a break with men extremely painfully. They don’t feel happy in the relationship, they can’t get what they want (this is impossible with anyone) and most importantly, they can’t break the painful connection. They suffer, torn apart by opposite desires: fear of separation and unwillingness to put up with the way men treat them. At a deep level, a woman has long decided for herself that she needs to break up with this man, but the vague hope that things can still work out keeps her in the relationship. She cannot break off a connection with a man, most often because of her financial dependence on him, every time justifying herself in her heart as to why she still tolerates bad treatment of herself. Sometimes it seems to me that a woman herself creates conditions for herself in which she becomes dependent on a man. It’s as if she always needs excuses for herself as to why she’s with him. The reasons that keep her in a relationship, as a rule, (as it seems to her) are in external circumstances - money, children, housing, there are no men nearby, one is completely unwell, and much more. Talking about her scoundrel husband, she regrets her inability to leave him, complains about fate. All reasons associated with external circumstances actually reflect internal ones. Deep inside herself, a woman cannot and does not want to part with a man, although she understands that a relationship with him causes her suffering. Like an alcoholic, he understands the harm of his actions, but continues to do the same thing, without the strength to refuse and the courage to admit his addiction. Such women, despite their affection, can very easily talk to their partner about breaking up with him and about divorce. They may even make real attempts to get away from him. But when left alone, they quickly realize that they have done something stupid. The desire to break up with him is replaced by a surge of love, tenderness and pity, and maybe hope that everything will get better. Many of my clients say that as soon as they are seriously going to break off the relationship, their husbands begin to do everything possible to get them back. And indeed it is. Dependent relationships are characterized by frequent scenes of separation and reconciliation. You can even hear a woman say, “He won’t let me go.” Those who do not want to be released are not released. And most importantly, when one of the partners makes an effort to win back the other, the other receives the love dope that he so badly needs. This doping is what keeps people together and preserves relationships. Sometimes a woman deliberately plays out her departures, pursuing the only goal - to obtain evidence of love. Please note that in such a relationship there is no person, there is only a need to receive love from him. A dependent woman is doomed to a painful relationship with her partner. She suffers, but, despite everything, she cannot part. What could be more painful? In such a relationship, a woman can be subjected to physical and moral violence. Insults and humiliations are often the norm during quarrels, and the insults are mutual. A woman and a man are not distinguished by patience and calmness. They can lose their temper, openly displaying aggression, or, fearing its manifestation, plunge into long periods of silence. And sometimes a man (or you) simply leaves, closing the door behind him or ending the telephone conversation mid-sentence. Do you know that sometimes after a rude and disrespectful attitude you continue to experience tenderfeelings for a man? Do you find excuses for male behavior? Or do you begin to look for shortcomings in yourself that led to his ugly treatment of you? Many women say that they are not long offended by their husband's rudeness. If, after insults, he is ready to ask for forgiveness, show love and tenderness, then they quickly forgive and forget. Minutes of love and attention after humiliation and insults are a drug that is difficult to refuse. Addiction leads to the fact that you often suffer from the behavior and actions of a man, feeling like a victim. And deep inside you there is a need to join a man. Women who are prone to addiction often find aggressive and rude partners. These are usually women who were subjected to physical or mental abuse in childhood. Dependence makes a woman vulnerable or, conversely, her vulnerability and sensitivity makes her dependent. A woman is not self-aware enough, does not understand what her own life is. She doesn't feel her desires. By and large, she is malleable, and she does not like these qualities. In her heart, she envies strong and independent women and sometimes tries to play this role in life. A woman of another type does not play the role and does not hide her pliability and helplessness. Her mother encouraged her daughter's dependence by satisfying her own needs for being needed and needed, as well as her desire to keep her daughter close to her. She needs her daughter as an extension of herself. The father is usually either also tenderly attached to his daughter or cannot stand the competition for the daughter’s affection for the mother, and fades into the background. Having gotten married, a woman does not recognize herself as an adult; she continues to be in a deep relationship with her mother. Or a deep connection with her mother does not allow her to find a man and give birth to a child. Even if it seems to you that you are not listening to your mother and living your own life, then this is an illusion. Your mother continues to have a strong influence on you. You may be in conflict with her or spend a lot of time with her, it doesn't matter. You are flexible and passive in relationships. Fear, affection, trepidation, forgiveness are transferred to the man. The woman does not realize that the man is not her mother; she continues to be in her childish position, but with her husband. There is another type of woman who hides all these qualities and feelings behind a mask of independence and independence. They have achieved certain results in their careers, but their personal lives are not going well. Men don’t stay for long, and if someone manages to stay, women talk about how they begin to lose themselves in relationships. How their world, which they had been building for a long time, gradually begins to fall apart. A long and close relationship with a man destroys the lives of such women and themselves. It seems to them that they are missing out and losing something important, life is passing by, and they cannot keep up with it. Often they are not even aware that addiction is one of their problems. On the contrary, it seems to them that they do not depend on men in any way and the ease with which they part with their partners is direct proof of this. Their defenses work exactly until one of the men penetrates deep into the soul. Fearing manifestations of their addiction, women are afraid of relationships with a man. Their love is superficial; they fall in love easily, each time believing that they have found the man of their dreams. Usually their life history is full of men whom they left behind. This could happen every time a man began to show persistence and real interest. Such women are afraid of a serious relationship, although another part within them strives for it. They mainly attract men with their sexual image, their feelings are superficial and men pick up on this. They can attract a partner, but they cannot keep a strong partner for a long time, and a weak one quickly becomes uninteresting to them. Usually the mothers of such women were emotionally closed, not giving the warmth and participation that the child needed. In life, everything happens for the time being. The roles are changing, someday they themselves will find themselves in the place of those menwhom they left behind. This will only mean one thing - it's time to pay the bills and take a lesson in betrayal. In dependent relationships, a woman almost always faces betrayal. This lesson also comes to those who seemingly never left anyone or betrayed anyone. But it only seems so. If you can move away from accusations against a man and, through your pain, understand what suffering you caused to others, comprehend your life and your karmic lesson, then you have every chance of healing from pain. The weak point of all traitors is attachment to comfort, inability to give up one’s desires. Traitors cannot stand discomfort and tension; they always prefer to follow their own aspirations. They are used to getting their way by any means, so when faced with betrayal, it is especially difficult for them. Perhaps this is just such a case where the usual ways of getting what you want do not work. People who are looking only for comfort in relationships and are not capable of making sacrifices for love will always betray the one who, in turn, will betray them. The negative aspects of dependent behavior are insincerity , resourcefulness, deceit and manipulation. Manipulation is a favorite tactic of addicted people. Get what you want by any means. Strange as it may seem, suffering is the best lesson for such women, although these lessons are very painful. No matter how outwardly your behavior manifests itself, from open dependence to demonstrating independence, but if there is a problem in your soul, the name which addiction, then you are doomed to suffer in a relationship. Where there is an obsessive need, there is no place for happiness and harmony. This problem deprives you of joy in life. You feel bad if you do not feel the love and necessary attention from a man. Quarrels with your husband turn into a painful nightmare for you, you cannot work calmly , communicate with friends, have fun. All your thoughts are absorbed in him and when he will call or come. Your life stops without him. You have a hard time with quarrels, and the thought of breaking up is unbearable for you. You must realize that you are addicted, and addiction is a mental illness. Women in this situation are like moths flying to a flame. They are attracted by warmth and light, but they only burn their wings or die, unable to warm themselves in the warmth of love. Your partner and all thoughts about him turn into an obsession, and he becomes the subject of your thoughts and desires. Having met a man, from the first minutes you begin to fantasize about the development of your relationship, in your meeting you see destiny, you are sure that this is the one for you needed. Your unconscious feeling chooses it unmistakably in order to again face betrayal, loneliness, rejection, your uselessness, pain. Or rather, your inner child, who has not received unconditional love, strives to find it in a relationship with a man. You attract those who cannot love you with true love by accepting it unconditionally and unconditionally. And you do not allow those who are capable of this into your life. Even if a miracle happens, a man capable of love appears in your life, you will not be able to accept this love, he will become uninteresting and even unpleasant to you. There is no positive experience of love within you and close relationships. You see, there is only one relationship scenario that always ends with you having to fight for that feeling. Your unconscious doesn’t know any different. You don’t know how to accept love, you don’t know how to be relaxed in it, enjoying life. You push away those who are capable of love. Deep inside you do not love yourself, which means you lack the ability to love and receive love. In a relationship, you will always receive a substitute for love in the form of painful attachment and dependence, or you will simply avoid deep and long-term relationships. For you, receiving love is the goal. The whole problem and tragedy is that the addict does not know how to accept love. Having reached the goal, he does not know what to do with it, he immediately loses interest. These people know how to penetrate into the very soul, they know how to open it, but they do notthey then know how to be with a person who is ready to love them and give love. This possibility scares them, because from now on they find themselves in an unsafe zone for themselves, in which there is no algorithm. Joy does not come from what has been achieved. Hence the scenarios “I love, but they don’t love me. And vice versa.” Women often ask why, as soon as they begin to become attached to a man, he loses interest in them. There are many reasons for this. Here are some of them: firstly, your growing affection begins to suffocate a man; secondly, your growing sensitivity and demandingness begin to play a role. You fall into your weak zone and become very sensitive to everything. A man’s inability to accept the love and strength of your the desire for him forces him to emotionally distance himself from you. Only dependent women will encounter such scenarios for the development of relationships. Women often tell me that once a man falls in love and takes certain steps to be with her, she loses her former interest in him. A game of catch-up begins, then she follows him, then he follows her and vice versa. A dependent person craves love and warmth. But when receiving them, he cannot accept them. In the unconscious there is no experience of relationships where you can simply love. It says that you always need to chase love, achieve it, fight for the right to be loved. You crave warmth and love, but because of your conviction that it is impossible to get what you want and hatred for the fact that you cannot get satisfaction, you yourself do not notice how you push people away from you. The desire for an object carries within itself a destructive force. Directed love will always destroy the object and the relationship. Hatred first arises towards parents because they could not satisfy what the child needed. This feeling is unbearable. You cannot hate an object on which you depend, to which you are attached. Therefore hatred is repressed. In a relationship with a man, over time, she will strive to come out. The lesson of betrayal sometimes carries unbearable pain. The fear of abandonment always keeps you on guard and does not allow you to relax and trust in a relationship. Any attachments and strong desires give rise to disappointment. Cheating and betrayal happen most often when one of the partners faces disappointment or emotional rejection. The inability to experience these feelings forces one to search for another object. Dissatisfaction of desires and any threat to emotional intimacy is perceived with anger and hatred, which are directed at the object. Sometimes it is difficult for a woman to show negative feelings, but this is most likely a question of prohibitions on the manifestation of negative emotions, and not on their presence in general. Whether aggression is shown or not does not matter. Repressed anger does no less harm, both to you and to the relationship. In dependence, the object is needed to maintain one’s own balance. A tenderly loving husband very quickly turns into a hated one. The husband is still the same, he just didn’t act as you expected, with his actions he made you feel unnecessary and insignificant to him. It is the feeling of your importance and value in the life of another that maintains your harmonious state. If your husband prefers someone or something to you, does not listen to you, acts in his own way, then this is enough for love to be replaced by hatred and anger. When faced with rejection and a feeling of uselessness, with the fact that you have been neglected, you really embraces hatred of her husband. If he acted his way, regardless of your wishes, you may experience unreasonable disgust and disgust. He seems dirty to you, you cannot overcome these sensations and even touch him. All these feelings go back to distant childhood. Dependent relationships are always accompanied by strong anger and aggression. The deeper the problem, the stronger the attacks of rage. Very often, women cannot show and express anger and dissatisfaction towards their husband, and they pour out their dissatisfaction on their own child. A child, likean object that is safe for a woman, becomes the only outlet for her own hatred of her husband. If you are a mother who finds it very difficult to restrain herself with her child, you raise your hand against him, and then regretfully ask him for forgiveness, repenting in your soul and scolding yourself, then do not delay the situation and solve your problems, contact specialists. It also happens that one of the two in a relationship, without realizing it, provokes aggression because of the desire to feel love. Any manifestation of feelings is much better than their absence. Some are aware of their dependence in love and relationships, while others are not even aware of it. Many of you, out of fear of falling into such dependence and its consequences, have learned to prevent it emergence. You have learned to protect yourself from deep relationships and as soon as you feel that they threaten you, you begin to become attached, then there are many ways known only to you to destroy existing connections. Noticing your husband’s shortcomings, you strive to eliminate them, try to impose on the man your idea of how he should treat you, what he should do, and most importantly, you always know how he should do all this. You do not want and cannot accept his personal space; you do not enjoy having your own territory. I often hear objections from my clients: “I don’t limit him in anything. Need to meet friends? Meet me! Do you need to go see your child? Go!” Only you are missing a small but very significant fact - your husband can do all this with your consent and after discussion with you. YOU allow him to go, YOU let him go, YOU set the schedule for his visits to the child. YOU are the main and final link in your relationship. And if he did something without informing you, then he is a deceiver, a traitor, left you alone in upset feelings and went about his business. He betrayed you. Control is an inevitable companion in the lesson of betrayal. When faced with betrayal, the child learns to control the situation. He certainly needs to be aware of all the events and movements of his beloved object. Moments that are not subject to his control cause fear of betrayal. In the lesson of betrayal, you need to experience all the pain in order to finally free yourself from it, stop being afraid and control everything. Learn to live relaxed, enjoying life and having fun. Established control, mistrust, suspicion, the desire to be the main violin in a big orchestra lead to the fact that a woman is destroyed on a subtle level and destroys relationships, which ultimately end in her husband’s betrayal, bringing pain and suffering , reproducing the existing scenario inside your unconscious. There is another extreme, which also adversely affects the connection with a partner. For fear of being intrusive, for fear of showing her real feelings and desires, a woman demonstrates the opposite behavior, leaves, talks about breaking up, pushes a man away in the hope that, fearing losing his partner, he will make every attempt to win her back. This results in so-called female schizophrenia. On the one hand, the partner is required to prove his love, on the other hand, the woman does not allow him to approach her, does not want to see him, believes that she lived well without him and will live just as long. These are all options for games that can be in a betrayal scenario. The main thing is to obtain evidence of self-love at any cost and return the feeling of your importance and need to the object of love. You, on the one hand, are passionately waiting for love, on the other, not being able to voice your expectations and desires, you push the man away, taking offense at him because of his lack of understanding, destroying relationships, convincing himself that he no longer loves you. You perceive everything through the prism of “needed or not, loved or not.” And you consider any movement of a man from you as your uselessness to him, as a lack of love. As if deep down in your soul you already know that he will not need you, that you will not receive the love you want. The fragile "I" along with…