From the author: Questions in the interview are asked by the journalist of “Women’s Magazine” – Olga Pereverzeva. I give a reasoned answer as a psychologist-expert. The questions are interesting for every mother who is looking for a nanny for her baby. Problem: I don’t know how to build relationships with my child’s nannies. I can’t find a good nanny. My daughter Nastya is 5 years old, I went to work when she was six months old, and have already changed eight nannies. Sometimes the nannies left on their own, more often I broke up with him because I was not satisfied with their behavior. Let me give you a striking example: one nanny, Natalya Fedorovna, a fairly elderly woman, I liked for her cheerfulness, optimism and good physical shape. At 70, she calmly climbed the stairs to our 8th floor, and on the very first day, while playing with Nastenka, she invited her to dance and jump together. I decided that this was a very good nanny for my rather calm, even lethargic girl. And everything was really not bad, the nanny found a children’s dance studio nearby and began taking Nastya there (with my approval, of course), she was a responsible person, I could rely on her. But we began to have conflicts on another issue: Natalya Fedorovna was very offended that I did not follow her advice regarding nutrition. She herself ate according to some special system and invited Nastya and me to join - they say, this is what helped her maintain such good shape for so long. At first, I gently explained that I had different ideas about a proper diet, then I began to turn a deaf ear to her lectures. The same happened with other things: for example, she insisted that Nastya should listen to children's music, although her daughter was absolutely indifferent to music. But for some reason, the fact that Nastya loved to read and draw upset the nanny: she believed that the child “should have a childhood.” As a result, a year later Natalya Fedorovna left, I think, precisely because I did not accept her views on education. The other nanny didn’t lecture me, but during walks she had the bad habit of chatting on her cell phone for almost hours while Nastya was bored in the yard. I put up with it for a long time, but then I couldn’t stand it and fired her. The third seemed like the nicest person until I discovered the gold chain was missing. Either I don’t know how to choose nannies, or I’m not able to build the right relationships with them. Anna V., Kharkov Solution: the nanny’s life values ​​should coincide with yours. We asked psychologist Larisa Shklovtsova, author of the training program “Effective Communication for Working in the Family,” to answer the reader’s question. Larisa, our reader spoke about many problems at once, can they be reduced to one? Yes, you can. This is a problem of basic values ​​that Anna and her nannies do not coincide. At the very first interview with a candidate, you need to identify these values, the reasons why a person wants to work as a nanny for you, his social skills, and life experience. How can you figure them out in half an hour? Will recommendations help with this? Of course, recommendations should be taken into account, but only proven, reliable ones. Laudatory recommendations are often written when they want to get rid of the nanny, but part ways amicably. Therefore, you need to talk to the people who wrote the recommendation and ask them a few questions - not formal, but targeted, “sharp” questions. “How would you characterize this woman, what achievements in her work impressed you, what are her main features?” If a person is insincere, he will begin to stammer, pause, and find it difficult to answer. Trust your intuition. But the main thing is, of course, a personal interview. Ideally, it would be good to invite a psychologist to the first meeting, but if that doesn’t work out, then just an experienced person whom you trust - a mother or a friend. This will give you a more objective opinion. What questions should you ask first? Ask the applicant about her life experiences. Ask which parts of her life story she considers important and why. A nanny’s mental health and level of social success can be judged by three criteria: ability to work (study,if she is a student), love and be friends (that is, maintain long-term relationships with relatives and friends). If, for example, a nanny, talking about her ex-husband, accuses him of all sins, or says that she has no friends because she does not trust women, this is a reason to think, as are bad reviews of previous employers. Is she an optimist, grateful to fate for the experience, or is she offended by fate and complains about difficulties? Your child will largely internalize her attitude to life, her focus on success - or her victim complex. Is her profession and education important? Even external data is important. For example, if a young, beautiful, leggy lady with two degrees is looking for a job as a nanny, chances are that she is actually looking for a rich married man who she can seduce and blackmail. There have been such examples in my practice. Or another option: I once attended an interview with a candidate: doctor, 42 years old, candidate of sciences. A natural question: why does he become a nanny? She, of course, said that she just needed money. Everything in the work book is clean: corporate solidarity is strong in the medical environment, they don’t fire people there for “unpleasant” reasons. But after a small check at her previous place of work, it turned out that she had serious mental problems, which is why she was forced to leave. By the way, mothers often look for nannies with medical education. How justified is this? For a small child, under three years old, a nanny with a secondary medical education is a good choice. But in general, the most important thing is not education, but the professionalism of the nanny, her desire to do her job as best as possible, her ability to learn, and her ability to take care of the baby. If she doesn’t know something, she will search on the Internet and consult with experts. Let me give you an example. The parents of a little boy, wanting to raise him to be brave and independent, adhered to the Japanese rule: a child can do anything, the word “impossible” does not exist. The nanny, naturally, was obliged to adhere to this rule. The problems began when, at two years old, the child began to fight with children on the playground and take away other people's toys. Soon everyone refused to play with him, and the nanny had to take her ward past the playground, although he was eager to go there and even cried. And one day the boy beat pigeons with a stick, which he had previously been accustomed to feeding with crumbs. The nanny was shocked and turned to me for help. I advised her to choose a time when the parents were not in a hurry and in a good mood, organize a small parent meeting and talk about what problems Vanya had and how this limited his development. The main thing was to let the parents understand that the decision is only in their hands, and the nanny simply empathizes with the boy. Here, even the most stubborn will compromise. Judging by the letter, our reader Anna has a completely different case: her nanny convinced her that she knew better. Of course, the person who will work in your home must be committed to providing a service: he does what you expect from him, and the way you want it. Even at the first meeting, the properties of a good assistant appear: he asks questions like: “How are you used to?”, “What do you like?”, “What does your baby like?”, and listens carefully to the answers. If a candidate for a nanny or, say, a housekeeper, begins to argue with you during an interview, or, while talking about herself, suddenly gets “stuck” on something, returns to the same topic, proves something, it doesn’t matter, what we are talking about - this type does not suit you. Because you will have to argue with her? But maybe she is a really experienced person and is worth listening to in some ways? Because arguments and the desire to defend one’s point of view in this case are a sign of imbalance and lack of understanding of personal boundaries. Such a person is not capable of working in the service sector. He will not fulfill your demands or will fulfill them negligently, use your resources (telephone, other equipment), blurt out your secrets to your neighbors, steal money - different options are possible. In all cases this.