How is the neurotic guilt in which we get stuck formed? In childhood, the child 1) depends on his parents physically and emotionally, 2) has an egocentric picture of the world (“everything depends on me, I am the reason for everything," this is a normal feature of children's perception). Therefore, even when a child is not directly blamed, he may unconsciously blame himself for what happens to adults, for example, divorce, alcoholism, illness, trouble, bad mood of parents. And if they blame (“you’re upsetting us”), then even more so. When a child is accused, he can experience many different strong feelings (not only guilt, but also anger, resentment, pain, fear), with which the blaming parent, understandably , does not help him cope and does not allow him to express them. And so the child turns these feelings onto himself (you can’t blame your parents, you can’t be angry at them, but you can be angry at yourself) and forms the idea “I’m bad, I must fix everything urgently.” The leading feeling here is most likely fear - fear of rejection, fear of loss of affection. It may not be realized, but it is extremely important for the child (on a deep, instinctive level) that his parents do not reject him, because this is a matter of survival. It is genetically enshrined in our psyche how important it is to belong to our pack, how important it is for a child to be close to his adult, otherwise death (see about this, for example, in the books by Lyudmila Petranovskaya “If it’s difficult with a child”, “Secret support: attachment in life child"). Then we grow up and can already survive without parents and without a partner. This does not mean that we should live alone and refuse relationships, but it means that as we grow up, we acquire resources for self-support and can live on our own for some time in order to search for and choose a suitable companion, end one relationship and start new ones, to be able to look for our “pack” and not be tied to just one. But if in childhood we were traumatized by rejection, then the dependence that was once formed was fixed at the level of self-preservation instincts and because of this remains relevant to this day. The only way of relationship for such a person continues to be submission to another for the sake of safety and survival. Or a breakup: In a codependent relationship, it’s like: either “this is better than nothing,” then “nothing is better than THIS!” (Tatyana Martynenko)And the method that helped a child survive (clinging to another) now prevents an adult from building relationships. In addition to the fear of loneliness, in relationships built on neurotic guilt, the child plays its second (or for some, first) violin the illusion of omnipotence, especially reinforced by the parental message (“I’m upset because of you!”), leads to the fear of “destroying” another (“I’m so bad, my mother might die because of me”). For a child this is truly intolerable. And it is precisely the fear of hurting, destroying, breaking another that then keeps guilt-free adults in dysfunctional relationships (“I can’t imagine how to leave, she can’t live without me,” “I can’t say no, he’ll be offended”). That is, such relationships stand on two supports: “I won’t survive without you” and “you won’t survive without me.” But in general, adults are able to survive on their own and are responsible for their feelings. And if we don’t like something, we are able to deal with it without blackmail and manipulation (“you’re bad, but quickly change and improve so that I feel good”) and not be destroyed. And the same is true for our partners. I can tell another about my feelings and desires, ask him not to do something that doesn’t suit me, and he may or may not meet me halfway: he is not obliged to change for me, to obey me. And then we can think together with him how to deal with this contradiction. Sometimes it is impossible to resolve a conflict without losses - for example, some decision or belief of a partner contradicts my needs (I want to preserve the relationship, and he wants to end it, or vice versa). And then all that remains is to accept it and experience the pain of loss. (Speech, of course,.