From the author: 09/12/2012 This question worries many people who have experienced a breakup with a loved one, and is also a frequent topic in consultations with a psychologist. My study, which involved 68 men and women who had experienced separation from a long-term partner, was an attempt to delve into the psychological world of the survivor of the trauma of a breakup and find a solution to this problem. According to the study, for 60% of those who experienced a breakup in a relationship with a partner, the breakup became a difficult, traumatic event, leading to psychological discomfort, frustration, a feeling of humiliation and damage to the sense of self-worth. The separation also shook the deepest beliefs of these people about devotion, love, family and others. That is, both a person’s feelings and emotions, as well as his way of thinking, worldview, and system of beliefs and convictions, were wounded. This reaction to a difficult event, which is separation, is described in my research by the concept of a post-traumatic cognitive-emotional complex (hereinafter the abbreviation PTC is used), covering the sphere of feelings and the sphere of thoughts of an individual affected by a break in relations with a partner. As the results of the study showed, in the emotional field of PTC after a breakup, two main components prevail - the aggression complex (consisting of emotions such as bitterness/bitterness, irritation, desire for revenge and retribution, auto-aggression) and the victim complex (resentment, helplessness, humiliation, apathy/ sadness, painful memories, decreased vitality, etc.). At the same time, the severity of sacrifice among women who have experienced a breakup is significantly higher than among men. The “victim” complex is manifested in the following emotional attitudes:ü a person perceives himself as a victim, assigning the role of “persecutor” to another person and/or external circumstances; ü a person perceives himself as helpless and unable to cope with the consequences of what happened; ü the person rather blames himself for what happened, for not preventing the “catastrophic” development of events and/or for not being able to cope with it; Cultural characteristics should be taken into account in the interpretation of these differences between men and women. In Russian culture, female sacrifice, as a rule, is not just a socially acceptable, but unconditionally approved quality, and an active, aggressive position is usually condemned, despite the Westernization of modern Russian society. The “aggression” complex is associated with a feeling of injustice, and aggression can turn into self-aggression and self-blame. Among other manifestations, in my opinion, it is necessary to indicate secondary alexithymia as a state of global inhibition of feelings or “emotional numbness”. In addition to these two components - sacrifice and aggressiveness - in the emotional field of PTC there are obsessive thoughts about the event that happened and its consequences, avoidance of situations and /or objects associated with the event, subdepressive state, feelings of hopelessness, psychosomatic symptoms and even suicidal tendencies. As a result, difficulties arise in performing ordinary household and/or work duties. This emotional state of the individual is largely due to negative thoughts and attitudes that are formed in the process of experiencing the trauma of separation, which constitutes the cognitive part of PTC. The thinking of a person traumatized by a breakup has a number of features:ü Habitual attitudes are affected, namely self-acceptance, a sense of self-worth and fairness and benevolence of the world around.ü At the same time, an unambiguous position in relation to these attitudes prevails in thinking (“the world should be fair”, “love” there is only one in life”, “betrayal is never forgiven”, etc.), there are very rigid beliefs and convictions, which explains the duration and severity of the emotional reaction.ü People who develop PTC, as a rule, are distinguished by their focus onachievement and a high degree of commitment and self-sacrifice. In addition, they have a tendency to think in terms of guilt and take the blame upon themselves. An event such as a divorce is perceived by them as a very offensive, traumatic and humiliating event. In addition to the general characteristics of the thinking of people traumatized by separation, the study was able to identify two main beliefs that are dysfunctional and are related to a negative emotional complex. Firstly, this is the tendency to manifest excessive dependence on the assessment and approval of your ex-partner. In fact, finding themselves in a situation of alienation and rejection by their partner, they seemed to transfer his negative assessment to their own self-perception, which contributed to the formation of an anxious, sad, depressed state, repetitive thoughts and painful memories. This belief can be expressed in the following phrase: “If someone important to me expects me to do something, I should actually do it.” Secondly, this is a dysfunctional attitude towards love, to which respondents with a high level of PTC show excessive dependence, and therefore separation from a partner is very painful for them. This attitude refers to the statement: “If the people I care about reject me, that means there is something wrong with me.” As soon as they begin to feel that their partner has begun to slowly move away, a painful, panicky sensation arises, comparable to withdrawal syndrome (“withdrawal”). If we ask the question of what explains the pronounced negative reaction to a difficult, but still quite ordinary and fairly frequently occurring event, then today we can only speculate on this topic, making various assumptions. The author of this article sees personal history, rooted in child-parent relationships and the history of the primary family, in particular the style of relationship between mother and child, as the main reason for the development of PTC in a situation of separation. This assumption is confirmed by the strong interdependence between the degree of manifestation of PTC and the traumatized person’s orientation towards the negative past, i.e. The more separated people reflect on the negative aspects of their past life, which, as a rule, are associated with the parental family and child-parent relationships, the more likely it is that PTC will develop in an explicit form. A more detailed discussion about the reasons for the development of PTC can be the topic of a separate article. According to the statements of people who have experienced the trauma of separation, almost all of them have not entered into a permanent relationship with a new partner for 5 years or more. At the same time, among those living with a new partner in a registered marriage, the absolute majority either do not experience PTC at all, or its manifestation is weak. Thus, the level of PTC directly affects the likelihood of new relationships and their satisfaction with them. What prevents them from finding a suitable partner and building new relationships? The biggest obstacle on the path of a person who has experienced a breakup as a trauma is his internal passive or indifferent position towards building new relationships or, in other words, his internal unpreparedness for new relationships. Despite the fact that a person may suffer from loneliness and even make attempts to make new acquaintances, internally she is not ready for new intimacy. Interestingly, among men after a breakup, according to the study, there are no initiators of new relationships at all. Thus, negative features of thinking, prevailing dysfunctional beliefs, as well as emotional complexes of “victim” and “aggression” contribute to the maintenance of conscious or unconscious dependence on a former partner and hinder new relationships. How can a psychologist work with clients who are experiencing the trauma of separation and experiencing difficulties in building a new relationship with a partner? Often, a person who finds himself in a similar situation finds it very difficult to independently experience, express,.