I write quite a lot on the topic of expressing aggression in contact, as an inevitable, but also developing relationship component. But is all aggression constructive? Of course not. Even if, as they say, you have something to highlight in a contact, this still means that it is worth destroying this relationship... And so. Let's look at which intentions ultimately corrode contact, and which, on the contrary, create, even through unpleasant sensations. It is known that all psychological work is essentially based on one simple thing - experiencing feelings. In order to truly, qualitatively experience feelings, it is advisable to acknowledge and name them. “I’m crying, I’m in so much pain!..” “I’m ashamed and scared among these people.” "I'm sad that this is no longer between us." Identifying your experiences is a basic skill, without which dialogue is not possible in principle. So, I’m talking about aggression... If it arose in a relationship, it is advisable to place it, and preferably “in a fresh way”, without turning it into toxic forms. And the only environmentally friendly way to do this is to report your experiences in any way possible. All! So simple, but so difficult at the same time. It’s difficult because at this moment a person becomes vulnerable, he opens up, loses his defenses. In addition, not everyone can do this in principle; no one has ever taught this to many by example... Much more often in communication we are faced with more sophisticated, and therefore more destructive forms of expressing our anger, accumulated irritation, envy, dissatisfaction and others pleasant experiences that - alas - can happen in any contact. Here are the most common of these forms: 1. Indirect (double messages). This is when the expression of aggression is veiled and, supposedly, can be interpreted in one’s own way. Thus, it becomes possible to dismiss it with “you misunderstood” and “I was joking,” but this makes you doubly angry, because you are essentially being duped. As a result, trust and security in contact are eroded. 2. Accusation. Messages centered on the pronoun “you” are inherently always accusatory, although they may not appear so in appearance. These can be questions, statements, and even wishes, but if they come from the core of “you are not like that” - these are accusing messages, or so-called reproaches. 3. Getting personal, or hitting weak points. When communication involves information about a person that is not directly related to this conflict. For example, combining this situation with something observed earlier, there and then. Like, “You treat me like you treat your mom.” The next level of destruction, for the advanced, is “unauthorized psychoanalysis,” when a person dresses up his personal vulnerability as a “diagnosis” for his abuser. This is especially painful in close relationships, when a person uses your own intimate weaknesses against you. 4. Transfer effect. This is a form of comparing a person with someone, or with some previous negative experience. Generalizations, I think, to the same box office, like “all men...” This is very offensive. And it’s even somehow humiliating to then prove that “you’re not a camel.” 5. Toxic help, that is, when it is not asked for. This is also a kind of double message, saying that you are not capable, you cannot cope. 6. Depreciation. Well, this is already “heavy artillery”, to kill. This can be outright unconstructive criticism like “you suck,” but devaluation can also be wrapped in a more subtle form, even in the form of praise. “I don’t expect more from you, I’m humbled and proud of what I have,” “Oh, well, that’s cool for you, I remember”—familiar motives, right? As you can see, all these forms are often intertwined with each other, but what is common to all will be a feeling of anger, and even rage, that rises in response, or an unpleasant aftertaste in post-contact (like someone shitting on your soul). The expression of direct aggression based on actual experiences, when a person speaks (or makes it clear non-verbally) about his feelings, is never destructive..