What is important is what happens around you. But what is even more important is what happens inside you. This is why the Inner Critic is so dangerous. It is like a leak in a ship, through which it slowly fills with water, and while the passengers are quietly sleeping, death enters the ship under the cover of darkness... An example from life “So what? Why is this Inner Critic so scary? I have a good life with him too, my parents won’t give bad advice or pawn him! But I know how to work on my own shortcomings!” I periodically hear this from my clients or simply interlocutors - both online and in real life. I accept any client in her value system, but such beliefs become the reason for our work, which the girls gradually come to on their own, as if by steps. First, I want to make a reservation: admitting the presence of an Inner Critic is in no way an admission of one’s own inadequacy , this is not provoking negativity towards parents. This is just the first step towards liberation from unnecessary “gnawing”, “tormenting” oneself. And as proof of how the Inner Critic, without exaggeration, can ruin a person’s life and even take a person’s life, I will give a real example. Many have heard about this terrible incident ... On November 9, 2019, the whole country was shocked - the drowning associate professor Oleg Valeryevich Sokolov was caught from the Moika River. In the backpack he was carrying, they found the severed hands of his young lover - 24-year-old Anastasia Yeshchenko... You ask: what am I doing? Here's what: during the trial, excerpts from the diary of the deceased were published, which are striking to the core. Photos of this girl can be easily found on the Internet, and, you see, you wouldn’t dare call her ugly. However, in the diary we constantly encounter dissatisfaction with ourselves. Nastya scolds her nose, calling it “the cause of all misfortunes,” writes “it’s better for people like me to work hard,” “I’m to blame for all the troubles, I attract bad things, it’s my own fault,” “It’s unworthy to accept praise.” Also, from the lines of the diary, one can understand the reason for the girl’s such thoughts: it turns out that from early childhood her grandmother constantly told her: “You are not very beautiful, but you are smart” - and thus programmed the child for life. At the same time, Nastya did not even have the thought of showing disagreement with the position of her respected and beloved relative. Although the girl dares to disagree with her parents in her diary. Anastasia Yeshchenko received a higher education, entered graduate school, defended her thesis and was a successful scientist. But internally she continued to be unsure of herself, embarrassed by her own appearance, dreamed of simple female happiness, and at the same time sincerely considered herself “unworthy” of it. What is the tragedy here? Not only that the girl was clearly suffering and tormenting herself. But also that it was precisely this conviction that pushed Nastya into the arms of the elderly tyrant Sokolov. Subsequently, all his passions claimed: he chose only naive and notorious girls, clearly weaker than himself psychologically - and suppressed them. His victims include not only Nastya, but also another student, Ekaterina Przygodzkaya, who at one time was just as naive and insecure. But she had the strength to escape from the abuser in time. But Anastasia stayed... Because she was sure that no one needed her anymore. However, at some point the girl clearly changed her mind. Quarrels often occurred between former lovers. Nastya was going to leave her abuser - but it all ended tragically... It was too late... But if the girl had managed to realize the problem and work with her Inner Critic, then everything could have turned out differently. Anastasia Yeshchenko How is the Inner Critic formed? much more - character, temperament, life scenario - The Inner Critic is formed in childhood. In transactional analysis, the Inner Critic usually represents the voice of the Negative, controlling Parent, regulating your every move. Structurepersonality according to the direction of Transactional Analysis. How is this internal critical voice formed? Usually as follows: the child strives to do something himself, but, as expected, makes mistakes - and hears from his parents “You are doing it wrong, I’d rather do it for you.” This happens unconsciously, simply because we are all living people. Parents may adore their baby, but at the same time feel emotional discomfort, fatigue and, as a result, irritation. However, the child reads this message as an accusation: “I am bad, I do everything badly.” Another option is also possible: parents criticize the child for real “shortcomings” that, in their opinion, require correction. For example, they constantly say: “You will grow up to be stupid”, “You are not very beautiful, you better study, at least you will be smart”, “Where else do you need candy - you’re already fat”, etc. Of course, in most cases, mothers, fathers and grandmothers do not want to harm, but sincerely think that they are doing good. And the third option is when parents consciously try to “revenge” the child in a unique way for their own unsuccessful life, for some failures and problems. In this case, self-doubt is deliberately imposed on the child, and the message is: “You have no right to be better than me.” As a result, the father or mother conveys to the child their own vision of life, constant dissatisfaction with themselves. Thus, the Inner Critic is nothing more than a projection of the voice of a strict parent or other significant person. In principle, the internal critical voice is fully formed by the age of seven. My clients often tell me: “That didn’t happen! My parents never criticized me for my appearance, but all my life I’ve had a complex that I’m too fat/thin/ugly, etc.” The thing is that when forming the Inner Critic, the message “You are not good enough” is important, but if it is formulated in general, or aimed at some specific shortcoming, it is not so significant. Subsequently, the criticized person himself puts this message into the forms most suitable to the situation. For example, a girl broke up with her boyfriend and thinks, “I’m ugly,” fired from her job, and begins to convince herself of her own “worthlessness.” How does the Inner Critic manifest itself? Through negative thoughts about oneself. Concentration occurs either on specific shortcomings - they can be either imaginary or real, but in the latter case there is often an exaggeration (“I’m stupid”, “I don’t know how to interest my interlocutor”), or on the inability to achieve the desired goal ( “someone like me will never attract the attention of a good guy”, “I will never be able to get a promotion”, etc.).An important point: even if something good happens in the life of a person with a strong inner critical voice, he it is not perceived or devalued. For example, a guy made a compliment or asked me out on a date - he just “feels sorry” for me, or he wants “sex without obligations.” And the Inner Critic also manifests itself in regular “negative prophecies.” Let’s say something good begins in a person’s life, but he is initially sure that nothing will work out. And when it naturally doesn’t work out (after all, success largely depends on confidence in a positive outcome), a gloating Critic appears on the horizon, declaring “I told you so!” You shouldn’t meddle anywhere.” Why is your Critic dangerous? The Inner Critic provokes a feeling of hopelessness, hopelessness, and provokes the development of depression. The worst thing is that criticism can spread not only to a specific “flaw”, but to the entire person. After years of painful thought, a person finally comes to the conclusion: “I am insignificant, I am worthless, I cannot achieve anything,” etc. But unshakable confidence in one’s own inferiority may well push one to commit suicide...Ways to Avoid Criticism Of course, living with a constant internal critical voice within oneself is uncomfortable. And a person - consciously or unconsciously - tries to get rid of it. But this is far from always effective. So, how can a person who seeks to drown outcriticism?• The path of victories and achievements - in this case, the carrier of the Inner Critic is trying to prove to everyone (and first of all to himself) that he is worth something. He strives to gain public approval, motivates himself to achieve accomplishments in order to drown out critical tendencies. But the problem is that, trying to overcome the Critic, a person does not do what he wants, but only what can cause both public approval and the approval of the Critic himself. That is, he lives not his life, but the life of that very Critic - and therefore, the life of the person behind this very Critic. Therefore, victories do not bring satisfaction, but only temporarily drown out the critical voice. In such a situation, a person can easily make a choice in favor of alcohol or drugs - they act as “antidepressants”.• The path of avoidance - in such a situation a person does not consciously choose what he really wants - due to the fact that he does not I am confident of a positive outcome. For example, a girl does not approach a guy she really likes, because she is sure of refusal. She doesn’t apply to her dream university or doesn’t send her resume to her dream job - because she’s convinced that she won’t be accepted, etc. Thus, a person inspires himself: “What I really want is not for me. I should be content with little, then I won’t be disappointed.” How to resist the inner tyrant?1. The first point is that it is necessary not to artificially drown out this voice, but to hear it. Let him speak out, rather than try to hide from him. You can’t hide anyway! When a person consciously runs away from the Critic, he still continues to actively influence his life. Therefore, we pull our “poisoner of life” to the surface with the help of systematically keeping a Diary of Thoughts.2. The second point is to identify it and understand its source. Learn to hear the Critic and stop associating him with your own dissatisfaction with yourself and realize who could influence your thoughts. Think about whether you scold yourself in exactly the same way as your mother, grandmother, father or other significant person. And if this is so, then try to separate your own opinion about yourself and the opinion of other people who at one time or another influenced you.3. The third point is to devote 1-2 hours a week to analyzing your life or working with a psychologist. During such hours, you can analyze your actions, ask yourself questions that make your thinking process more rational: “What am I doing wrong?”, “As I would like?”, “What threatens me with the “wrong” scenario of events?”, “What does my healthy voice advise me to do?” etc. In consultations and therapy, my clients and I use 12 CBT questions to test the authenticity of the client’s thoughts, beliefs and attitudes. Make a cognitive restructuring - start thinking differently, and the critic will go to the dustbin of history...4. Notice who you usually compare yourself to. Is this really an ideal image that deserves to be emulated? Learn not to compare yourself with anyone and accept any of yourself (this is true selfhood).5. Recognize that it is completely normal to make mistakes. Not making mistakes means doing nothing. Reframe your mistakes and start living the way you see fit.6. Set realistic goals for yourself. Don't set the bar too high and you won't be disappointed later. Overcome perfectionism, and then the critic will not find grounds for caustic attacks.7. And remember that agreeing with the Inner Critic is a road to nowhere. It’s difficult for you to think purely when a significant part of your life has been poisoned by this scoundrel. I understand how difficult it is for you, because in my youth I myself experienced his cold breath on my young back. But an attempt to think about myself, people and the world differently led me to a talented psychologist who helped me find myself and, as a wonderful “side”, I became a psychologist myself :) Work on your critical inner voice, which destroys your only life. Overcome the problem of your Inner Critic, and as a result, completely neutralize the tyrant of your life. Do it yourself or.