From the author: This article is more of a digest of articles I have already written on this topic. “My grievances, which I try to cope with, do not allow me to live a full life, move forward and think about the future in full force. How to deal with my grievances?” The topic of grievances appears, probably, in almost every consultation. The human mind pictures grievances as terrible monsters that have real power over a person. The paradox of the human psyche is that everything that he believes in works. And if a person believes that grievances prevent him from being happy, so be it. Resentment begins to control its owner. Nikolai Konstantinovich Roerich describes the process of developing a feeling of resentment this way: “A person who once felt a small resentment, then in self-creativity begins, like a madman, to attach to this embryo a tail, and wings, and paws, and horns - until you get a real small a monster that relentlessly lives in the bosom..." In the cartoon "RESULT" you can see how this feeling is born, how it grows, and how we become dependent on it. What is the emotion "resentment"? These are reactions that are the result of an unrealized need for love. This is the absence or lack of energy within a person. Resentment is a form of manipulation when extorting love from significant people. In fact, resentment has many faces. How is resentment born? The reason for the appearance of resentment lies in the very essence of resentment - the inability to love oneself and realize one’s needs qualitatively, remaining in selfishness and egocentrism. You are always the author, source and implementer of your grievances. Yes exactly. No one except you is involved in your grievances. It is impossible to offend an adequate adult person from the outside. To be offended = to offend yourself. You offend yourself in order to extort love from the outside, instead of learning to interact qualitatively with the world. The trigger is my expectations regarding the behavior of a person close to me, how he should behave if he is my husband (friend, etc.) That is, for me There is a rigid image in my head into which I persistently try to drive the person close to me. And if he doesn’t fit in = I have every right to pout my lips in offense, thereby instilling in him a feeling of guilt for not fulfilling my expectations. Read the highlighted section again. And HONESTLY answer your questions: Why did you decide that someone should realize your needs and expectations? Is your loved one your slave guessing your thoughts? Do you know how to realize the expectations and needs of your loved one? We will return to the answers to these questions a little bit later. Now we continue to observe the process of filling with resentment. So, your expectations were not fulfilled and you were offended. Resentment as an emotion is localized in the body above the heart and up to the jugular cavity. As a rule, resentment is accompanied by its “friends” pain and fear, which together fill your chest with heaviness, burning, pain, which press on your heart and squeeze it. Resentment intensifies if you think: “I cannot forgive him, because he is wrong, unfair.” When I think that the offender is wrong, unfair, but according to my expectations he should be right and fair, the discrepancy in my soul increases and resentment also increases. Which makes your own condition worse. Resentment, strengthened by your mind, begins to literally choke you, trying to break out in the form of aggression and anger at the “offender who makes you feel so bad.” As a result, you break down and throw out all your negativity on a person close to you, which leads to conflict because often, the person close to you not only did not have the goal of offending you, but also did not know anything about your expectations towards him. This is one of the options for venting resentment “without leaving the cash register.” Instead of being happy, you choose to be offended. Is it reasonable? It also happens differently. You accumulate minor grievances because you have developed the skill of accumulating them - this is a habitual action for you. Over time, any offense can be forgotten, but, having left the operative memory of consciousness, it will still fall into the subconscious, into a storage device, and!