From the author: An article about the complexity of perceiving one’s own body, alienation from one’s body and one’s feelings. And also about the search for one’s Self and the Archetype that could show the Path. The Goddess and the Beggar Woman I would like to tell you an incident from my private practice. A case about the complexity of perception of one’s own body, alienation from one’s body and one’s feelings. And also about the search for one’s Self and Archetype, which could indicate the Path. The article describes work based on bodynamic (Body-focused therapy) and holistic approaches. Using techniques: project metaphorical maps, visual diagnostics of the body, integration of images and repressed feelings, conversation. I met Anna after a preliminary call. A pretty, well-built girl with lively features and a determined look entered the office. Since I had never seen Anna before this meeting, it was difficult for me to imagine that she would address exactly the problem with which she approached me. Anna came came to me not with a very typical request among my clients, but with a very common request among young girls - problems with controlling excess weight. As often happens, the initial request quickly began to change after the first consultation. Anna was not happy with many things about herself. She suffered from feelings of “inadequacy,” shame about her appearance, and guilt and anxiety due to difficulties in controlling both her eating and emotional reactions. Anna said that she simply “loses her temper” over any reason, that the slightest stress deprives her of her sense of self-control, and the only way that helps her to somehow drown out anxiety or anger is food. In addition, she was haunted by an obsessive habit of comparing her appearance with other girls and finding more and more imperfections in her body. Anna lacked communication and attention from her peers, especially young people, whose company she wanted and at the same time whose attention frightened her. One of the requests voiced during the first few consultations sounded like “I can neither understand nor feel myself, it’s hard for me find myself, understand who I am and what I want.” Even during Anna’s first visit, I couldn’t help but pay attention to her way of moving and treating her body. To complete the picture, I want to share my observations. Anna’s gait was somewhat “jumping and abrupt,” as if her body wanted free and sweeping gestures, but was trying to restrain the impetuosity of its movements. My overly straight and stiff posture led me to the same thoughts; my back gave me a feeling of lack of flexibility and relaxation. The shoulders and neck were also devoid of any flexibility and were in tension, which could easily be observed visually. And although the body looked quite healthy (without being too thin or full) and athletic, it lacked some flexibility and fluidity, it looked too rigid and tough. An interesting nuance seemed to be what kind of clothes Anna had chosen (and was chosen right up to the turning point in the consultation): jackets, trousers and skirts that restricted movement, had a “rigid” cut and seemed to convey “we are your frame, we are your armor” “For many meetings, even in a chair, Anna did not allow herself to relax, she sat with a straight back, tensely. Another important diagnostic point in the body was the chest, which was also tense like the whole body, creating the impression of armor, and practically no participated in breathing, which made it possible to pay attention to shallow and rare breathing, which speaks of blocked emotions and needs. Although a fairly attractive appearance and an adequate manner of conducting dialogue spoke of the opposite, in the subjective picture of the world Anna seemed to herself like this: “I can’t help anyone.” like it. There is nothing that could be liked about me - neither intelligence, nor beauty.” Later, Anna and I discovered her deep experience of her loneliness and desire for connection with others. But before that it wasfar away. The first few meetings were devoted to defining the request, getting to know the client’s personal and family history and establishing contact between me and Anna. Her personal and family history gave a lot of food for thought and served as a basis from which we were able to start in solving Anna’s problems. Anna Born into a family of a teacher and a military man. When Anna was 1 year and 2 months old, her father died. The mother was very upset about the death of her husband, and, according to Anna, this topic was always taboo at home. Only two years ago the mother “began to move away” from the experience of loss and began to talk with Anna about this topic. In addition to Anna, there was also an older sister in the family. Their age difference is 5 years. According to Anna’s recollections, her mother was always busy with work and spent a lot of time at school. Anna was often left alone at home, and often stayed in after-school care. She missed her mother's attention and presence. And although their relationship was warm, the mother mainly expressed her care for her on a physical level - “through tasty and satisfying food.” Moreover, the “cult of satiety” was maintained at home; long feasts with large amounts of food were frequent. “It was common for the whole family to eat long and large meals in the evening after a busy day. Food has always been a source of pleasure and a way to relieve stress for us.” After 9 years, Anna began to rapidly gain weight and by the age of 14 she already weighed 86 kg, but could not stop. “I was like a robot, like a zombie. I would come home from school, turn on the computer and start eating until I felt extremely full, until I felt sick, and only then would I stop.” Neither my mother nor my older sister saw such eating behavior and excess weight as a problem. “Everyone in my house is overweight. And no one sees this as a problem. Everyone thinks I went crazy when I dieted. Nobody supported me.” When the topic came to how Anna managed to lose weight, since there was definitely a girl sitting in front of me without excess weight, Anna said that she managed to “pull herself together” after the 1st year, when she moved from her hometown study in the capital. “My diet has changed - I began to eat less. There was no one else around to constantly feed and nourish me. And I managed to lose 10 kg in half a year. This was incredibly encouraging to me. Previously, I was only able to lose 1-2 kg. I got excited. I went to the gym, started eating diet food, and two years later I managed to lose 40 kg.” However, the magic did not happen and not all of Anna’s expectations for losing weight came true. “I thought my life would change dramatically, I would feel happy, I would have many friends and personal relationships. Yes, my life has changed from what I was, my body has become better. But I still feel that my complexes remain with me, I am afraid to communicate with others, I feel insecure. I lost control of myself again and am starting to gain weight.” The problem that brought Anna to me was that she felt confused, sad, disappointed, and besides, she felt guilty for the newly gained 10 kg and fear that she would continue to gain weight and will return to her original lifestyle again. Since it clearly sounded to me that Anna has problems with controlling her food intake, problems with periodic breakdowns and compulsive overeating to the point of feeling sick. I decided to send her to a psychotherapist for diagnosis and treatment of possible bulimia nervosa, and at the same time offered to deal with her psychological problems and find the source and solution to internal conflicts with the help of psychological counseling and our joint interaction. The question we have been working on for a long time: how to stop seeing in your body as an enemy and slave and begin to enjoy your physical self. Tight control over your needs for food (or rather hidden needs for love, acceptance and care through food) constantly led to uncontrollable breakdowns. Another important aspect was thatreach the level of understanding and acceptance of your needs, and beyond the actual needs for a huge amount of food, see the real hunger for love, interaction and warmth and the feeling of grief due to your loneliness), which could have formed in childhood, when a serious crisis occurred in the family (the death of her father) and the unnaturally long grief and alienation of her mother, whose warmth and love Anna needed as a child. And she began to replace it with food. I remember one of the consultations when Anna was able to come to an agreement with the disconnected parts of her self and finally feel her integrity and answer important questions for herself: “who am I?” “I can neither understand nor feel myself, it’s hard for me to find myself, to understand who I am and what I want.” The meeting began with Anna once again asking, “How to control yourself mainly in food and emotions?” This consultation took place after Anna had a breakdown and was afraid that she would not be able to return to healthy eating. She was sure that her life would only get better if she cruelly limited and controlled herself, that this was her main need and the key to saving herself from the failures of life before losing weight. She said that only when she holds herself under a tight rein she feels good and this is the only option for her so as not to “slide back to her previous existence, not life.” Despite the frequent breakdowns in eating, the questions tormenting her about who she was, the feeling of loneliness, which spoke of Anna’s strongly suppressed emotions and needs , which burst out like the contents of a boiling cauldron escaping from under the lid of control, Anna was sure that even tighter control and pressing herself would help her. Over the course of many meetings, Anna constantly talked about herself, that she was terrible, about the fact that the person she was before losing weight was completely insignificant, had no will, and the person she strives to become is self-confident and has constant success in life. The manner in which Anna expressed her thoughts was somewhat aloof, as if she is not talking about herself, but about some stranger. There were a lot of shoulds and introjects slipping into the speech: “You understand that you need to do this” “Everyone should be like this.” This manner of speaking gave me the idea that a closer look at these images would help reveal the strong emotions that Anna suppresses in herself, unconsciously trying to talk about herself in the third person and thereby controlling her emotions without risking getting closer. Then I told her asked to describe the image of herself before and after losing weight in more detail. She described herself before losing weight as “a vegetable, lethargic and apathetic, not interested in anything, goes with the flow, she doesn’t care, as long as she eats and that’s it.” Computer, school, food, computer, school food..." Anna described herself at the moment of her “most ideal weight” as “looks good, purposeful, charming, attractive, successful, strong, knows her worth, even looks a little down.” At this point in the consultation, we came to the topic of Anna’s strong need for love, attention, care and acceptance, the lack of which Anna felt as loneliness and, on a bodily level, as an emptiness in the stomach area. And although Anna was aware of this fact and voiced it herself, it seemed that this did not change the matter in any way and she had absolutely no idea what she should do to feel better and how she could satisfy all these needs. And most importantly, she was still worried about the question: who she is and what she really is. I asked Anna to imagine these two images in front of her and look first at one, and then at the second and try to understand what she felt for each of them. K Before Anna lost weight, the client felt disgust and contempt for her “spinelessness”; for the image of “Anna in perfect shape” - admiration, a desire to be the same and guilt for the fact that she had gained weight again. One got the impression that the ideal weight is the only a criterion that can somehow keep Anna in reality helps at least for a while (since in the pastbeing in perfect shape with TZ. Anna, she felt disappointed - after all, her ideal weight did not solve her problem of unmet needs for love and attention) to feel the Image of her Self (i.e., temporarily solve the question “Who am I and what am I?”) Anna herself noticed these contradictions, however didn't attach any importance to them. It seemed to her that next time, if she gained control and her ideal weight, she could get what she was missing last time. We continued to work with the images of Anna. Then I asked her about what each of the Images felt and wanted Anna. Anna described it this way: “(Anna’s image before losing weight) She’s sad, she doesn’t believe in anything, she’s lonely. She doesn't want to think about anything, especially about the future. She wants someone to take care of her, for someone to be there." (Image of Anna in perfect form) "She doesn't feel anything, she doesn't care about anyone. She feels superior. She wants everyone to listen only to her and admire her." Afterwards, I asked her to describe how each of the images felt towards each other. The image of "Anna before losing weight" felt fear for the image of "Anna in the best shape", she was afraid of suppression and destruction. Image “Anna in the best shape” felt contempt and hatred for the image of “Anna before losing weight.” Then I asked about what These Images feel about her and what they want from her? After that, Anna began to cry and say that Ideal Anna is nothing doesn’t feel for her and she doesn’t care how the client feels, that she only needs her to achieve her goals. And that she is angry with her because the client is not as ideal as Anna would like in ideal shape. And Anna, before losing weight, feels guilty towards her, how difficult it was for the client to be like this in the past, and she needs the approval of Anna and her forgiveness and care” We talked (and later Anna was able to appropriate them with the help of bodynamic techniques) about how these two images are not themselves, that they are parts of her personality, i.e. not disconnected, but directly connected to her, to her personality and life story, which she cannot get rid of or ignore, thereby getting rid of a part of herself. That in each of them there is her experience and she needs them for some reason. I drew Anna’s attention to the fact that she said that she could not understand “who she is and find herself” and to the fragmentation of those images that live in her. I suggested looking at these images again and trying to describe how Anna now feels about them, how they can help her find herself and how she can help them. My idea was to integrate all the images of Anna into her personality, so that Anna could finally to feel her integrity and pay attention to her needs and new opportunities for their implementation. Anna realized with surprise that, despite the attractiveness of the image “Anna in perfect shape,” this image ceased to give her the strength that it had given in the past, in the process losing weight and vice versa is hindering her now, requiring extra effort from her. In addition, on a deeper level, Anna felt disappointed because... in the past, this image promised her success, which should have satisfied her true needs for love and attention, but the physical changes were insufficient to satisfy these needs, because... Anna had only physical changes in her personality and psychologically she still could not ask for help in meeting her needs. Moreover, the image of “Anna in the best shape” prevented the satisfaction of these needs, because Anna's own behavior became more arrogant and she became more aloof in communication and even more lonely (the reasons for this behavior are well stated by many authors who write about the fear of rejection). The excess weight, which served as an excuse for her inability to meet her needs, could no longer be a cover after losing weight. And asking for care and attention became even more terrible. As for the image of “Anna before losing weight,” it ceased to be so disgusting for Anna; she managed to see in “terrible fat Anna” a suffering, lonely girl who lacked love, attention andcare and who tried to satisfy these needs through a way available to her - food. Anna and I came to the conclusion that once the image of “Anna in the best shape” really helped her achieve success in her goal, become stronger and believe in herself, and she was I am grateful to him, but now he was no longer working. And the image “Anna before losing weight” clearly reflected her hidden needs and helped not only to understand and feel them, which is very important for further changes. Anna realized that these images were part of herself and that at different moments they helped her cope with life situations and were useful to her. They are also a unique part of her and contain valuable life experience. I suggested assigning these images to Anna and mentally placing them in order to feel on a bodily level what was important for Anna, because... she had problems with the perception of the body image and many questions “revolved” around the body. Anna imagined these two images in the form of balls glowing with different lights and mentally lowered them to the area of ​​​​the heart and to the area of ​​​​the solar plexus. After this, she spoke of a changed feeling in her body. She felt him more alive and whole. The last thing we did at that consultation was the following. Because. It became not only obvious, but also emotionally palpable for Anna that she had a strong need for love and care, I suggested that she think about how she could take care of herself. More precisely, how the image of Adult Anna can take care of her inner child (which was presented to her as the image of “Anna before losing weight”). I suggested finding a suitable image in one of the decks of metaphorical cards. After some time, Anna stopped somewhat hesitantly on one of the cards and looked at it for a long time her. The card depicted a statue of a mythical goddess. I asked Anna to tell me about this card: what did she see on the card and why was she attracted to this image? Anna began to talk about how she saw a beautiful Indian goddess. She seemed strong and confident to Anna, but at the same time calm and peaceful. Anna was attracted by her quiet confidence. There was a lot of greenery and flowers painted around the statue that entwined it. When I asked if Anna had noticed this, she said that “this goddess seemed to be peeking out from the vines, as if she had been abandoned in an old temple for a long time.” When I asked how Anna felt about the fact that she was the one who found her and how could this be related to Anna's life situation? Anna said that she felt joy and that she had found her “abandoned” image, her forgotten inner goddess, who she really liked and who could support her inner child, and that the Goddess herself could take care of herself because she had enough strength and wisdom. As Anna described the card and her attitude towards it, I noticed that Anna relaxed, spoke in a confident, calm voice without excessive tension or harshness. The image of the inner goddess was not a new discovery, so to speak, i.e. the image of the goddess represented that real (albeit not great) experience of real inner self-confidence and calmness that Anna already had. I noticed that this image is already part of Anna’s personality, that the experience of being calm, confident and at the same time relaxed already Anna has and that she can choose this particular image of the Self in the process of life. At the end of the consultation, Anna said that for the first time in a long time she felt calm and relaxed without the need to absorb food, that she felt more whole, that she could trust her inner Self And it was important for her to hear confirmation that the image of the goddess that she discovered in herself is an experience that she already has and on which she can rely. After this consultation, there were more than one meeting at which Anna continued to search for herself. , learned to take care of herself, lived through suppressed emotions and learned to satisfy her needs for love and communication without resorting to a substitute - food. Our meetings for her were not a magic wand, after which all the problems.