“If you want to change the world, start with yourself.” This quote opens up the topic of control in a couple in the best possible way. The topic of control is almost always accompanied by high anxiety, fear, dissatisfaction and other other “charms” that, unfortunately, arise in couples. And always the one who controls (or strives for this) will find and give a reason in another. But unfortunately, it can be difficult to return his own messages to a person and help him realize that the topic of control is not about a partner - it is about him. And of course the reasons for such behavior will be clear, they will be accepted, and even carefully considered; they will be important for a person, and he will try to tell and explain everything in a plane tree. And he will wonder why his relationship is deteriorating, and his partner is moving further and further towards the horizon (provided that the partner needs such attention and care like stones to a drowning person). Usually the reasons for control lie: - in low self-esteem; - in uncertainty; - in the desire to relieve anxiety at the expense of another; - in avoiding feelings of fear/uselessness; - in attempts to merge with a partner; - in a feeling of mistrust (in oneself or a partner); - or based on past negative experiences that were not accepted at the level of feelings and emotions and completed. - sometimes in a feeling of jealousy; In general, the front of research here is extensive. And all this is about the one who controls. The most difficult thing in this matter is to accept the fact that in fact we cannot control another person (without slipping into manipulation). No one can guarantee us anything 100%, no matter what feelings there are between us. Moreover, control itself is the lock and key to exiting the constant anxious circle and the desire to control another. And control itself will not give this guarantee - only the illusion that the processes of another person will then be understandable and predictable for us. But this is unlikely to be to the taste of the person they are trying to control. It is important to start researching and understanding what will happen to the person if he stops controlling? What will happen the most terrible and unbearable thing for him? What is this control connected with (the reasons will help you get to the right direction)? What is the cost of this control, both for the relationship and for the controller himself? And what price does the partner pay for this? Such moments can be developed both in individual and couples therapy. Moreover, if both partners are present at the session, they will be able to slow down in a safe environment and try to place their feelings for each other in such a way as not to hurt or get hurt. The couple will be able to learn to hear and listen to each other’s feelings and experiences and together find solutions and ways out of crisis situations. And so, working on each of the above points, together with a partner or in individual work, a person whose anxiety and control are off the charts can, perhaps, learn this: From self-control to self-regulation We will leave questions to the one who is being controlled for next time. With sincerity and warmth, Your Gestalt psychologist, Ermolov Alexey To sign up for a session, write to WA: 8(926)3571-11-21