From the author: The author’s article was published in “Novaya Gazeta District” No. 20 (85) on September 2, 2015. The format of the article is limited to the format of a newspaper article. “My husband and I constantly fight, although we love each other. I'm tired of these conflicts. Tell me what to do?” Irina, 22 years old, art. Plastunovskaya First of all, Irina, you need to develop a positive attitude towards conflict, because coexistence can ONLY be built ON THE BASIS OF CONFLICT; relationships develop through conflicts! Professor Gottman, an American researcher of happy couples, discovered that there are no happy couples without conflicts. The absence of conflict in a couple frees up space for emotional distance, and sometimes even violence. Conflict, on the one hand, is an opportunity to express one’s problems and communicate one’s intentions, and on the other hand, an opportunity to hear an interlocutor who has the right to his opinion . For a conflict to lead to a positive result, you need to learn constructive communication! Listen. It is important to reassure the interlocutor so that he feels comfortable, to show that you are attentive and ready to listen to his point of view. “Darling, I value your opinion and am ready to listen to you!” Describe the facts. Report what caused your regret. At this stage, it is important to replace any judgment (criticism, assessment of behavior) of the interlocutor with an objective remark. Instead of saying, “You've been irresponsible,” which puts the other person on the defensive, it's better to be objective and precise: “You're late. We agreed to meet at seven, and now it’s half past seven. This is the second time in a month that you’ve done this.” The more objective and accurate you are, the more effectively this is perceived by the interlocutor, who sees in your words not potential criticism and assessment of his behavior, but an attempt at constructive interaction. Describe your emotions. If you talk about your feelings and sensations, then no one can argue with it. If you say, “You don’t value me,” your interlocutor will perceive them as criticism and begin to challenge your words. But if you say: “When you are late, I feel disappointed, and sometimes even humiliated,” then the interlocutor will not be able to question your feelings, because they belong only to you! It is important here to describe the situation in phrases that begin with “I” and not with “you” or “you.” “When you raise your voice, I can’t concentrate to understand what you’re saying...” Describe your frustration. It is important to talk to your interlocutor not only about how you feel, but also to share your disappointed hopes. “You’re late, but we were going to go to the cinema, and I feel disappointed because I love watching a movie from the very beginning.” Or: “It’s important for me to know that you are doing well. When you don't call me for a week, I'm afraid something has happened to you." Be clear about what you want. It is difficult for the interlocutor to read our thoughts. Only by voicing what you want, the interlocutor is able to hear your desires. “I would like to spend this weekend at home together.” “I wouldn’t like you to come this weekend - I have important things to do.” This article did not consider interaction with conflicting individuals who constantly provoke conflict and are not able to cooperate. You should use different tactics of interaction with them. Knowledge is power, but actions are power! Apply the principles of constructive communication in conflict and your life will be happier!