Sometimes our experiences are so painful and unbearable that we unconsciously resort to such an interesting way of protecting ourselves from them as guilt. Our “I feel bad” in such a situation can transform into “I’m bad/I’m to blame” (a more depressive option), or into “You’re bad/you’re to blame” (a more borderline option). It would seem like such a way, but in a situation where we cannot in any way influence the strength of our suffering, guilt is perhaps the only way to regain “control” over the situation. After all, if I am guilty, I can do something about it and thus reduce the degree of my suffering. If someone else is to blame, then this also gives some certainty and, at least, a potential opportunity to do something with this other, to force him to improve, so that he finally gives us what we deserve. All subsequent rational explanations are often just a superstructure over these two deep-seated convictions in one’s own or someone else’s guilt. In such a situation, the illusion is created that if you make amends or force the other to make amends, then everything will be fine. However, it is not. Behind all these things you can unearth a depressed core of personality that wants its pain to be shared with someone else. Sharing pain is the only thing that can bring relief. I believe that for an adult, the most adequate way of sharing pain with Another is sharing with an equal. If you try to look for a parent and a vertical relationship, then nothing good will come of it. Eventually there will be more suffering. But the paradox is that if you rely on feelings, then you want to look for a parental figure who will save, warm, and relieve pain. This figure is the fruit of our archaic depressive part, which was once disliked by the big Other during our early childhood. Unfortunately, it is no longer possible to love her in adulthood, but you can share your pain from not being loved with someone equal to yourself, and this will give you the opportunity to live your life more fully and happily. If you are tired of blaming yourself or someone else, try to realize your “I feel bad” and find an equal Other with whom you could share it. Perhaps at some specific moments you will build a vertical relationship with him, more reminiscent of a child-parent relationship. There's nothing wrong with that. The main thing is that this is based on the foundation of a partnership, when both are aware of what is happening and are ready at times to sacrifice themselves a little for the sake of their partner, guided by their own desire to do this.