The spouses Irvin and Marilyn Yalom have been married for more than 60 years, and Irwin has repeatedly said that family is the most important thing in his life. We asked the woman who has become the center of the life of a world-famous psychotherapist and writer about the most important thing in a relationship and how to choose a partner and live happily for decades. Dossier Since 1987, Marilyn is a senior researcher at the M. Kleiman Institute for Gender Research. Recipient of a Certificate of Recognition "in recognition of distinguished mentorship in literature and sustained contributions to its quality" for The American Resting Place: Four Hundred Years of History from the California State Assembly. Her book “How the French Invented Love” was nominated for the Gauss Prize of the Phi Beta Kappa Society and the Prize of the American Library in Paris in 2013. Marilyn, you believe that the main thing in a relationship is to choose a partner who knows how to love. But how do you understand that it is him? Firstly, you yourself must feel emotional closeness and attachment to the person. These feelings are natural, but they do not last forever and it is important to maintain them. Secondly, take a closer look at whether your partner cares about you, your happiness and well-being. You can recognize warmth and love in everything, even in sex. During sex, does a person think about your pleasure, or only about his own? It is necessary to find what pleases your partner, as well as express your sexual desires. It is important to talk about feelings. It happens that in a company of people a woman tries to say something, but her husband constantly interrupts her, as if her words are insignificant. What to do about it? At home, you can tell your husband: “Today at dinner you didn’t notice me, you didn’t let me say a word. It really hurt me, it was unpleasant for me.” You need to learn to talk about what is meaningful to you. After all, no one else will do this for you. So, when choosing a partner, the main thing is to pay attention to concern for your well-being, respect and attention to you. And how to care for another? Help a person develop his inner potential, think about his needs and capabilities, listen to him. It is important to take into account a person’s desires, and not to impose on him your understanding of what is right. Thus, parents often insist that their children go to study in the same specialty that they have mastered: “I graduated from medicine, so you will be a doctor.” But is there any understanding here of what the child really needs? Try to step into someone else’s shoes, stay in their reality. One day I received an email from a 90-year-old man who was not very pleasant to me. He was married to a close friend of mine, so I wanted to see him. But my husband was against our meeting and was indignant about this. And then I remembered a friend who did not arouse my sympathy. And only out of respect for my husband’s wishes, I began to treat her friendly. Remembering this incident, Irwin said that I was indeed right and apologized. In marriage, you need to respect what is important to your partner. I was lucky - Irwin was always interested in me and my feelings. How do you explain that more and more people are getting divorced in Russia? There are also a lot of divorces in the USA - every second marriage breaks up. Why? Because now in society it is considered acceptable, divorce is no longer a shameful stain on your life. In my generation, my parents, divorce was simply not accepted. If you got divorced, there was a very negative public opinion about you. But now everything is different. You can live together before marriage, you can live with someone of the same sex. I don’t know how it is in Russia, but in America this is common. Divorce is also influenced by enormous economic freedom. Women can provide for themselves and no longer depend on their husbands. For Irwin and I, our marriage is the best opportunity to be partners for life. You get older and continue to witness every moment of another person's life. There are common memories, children, grandchildren... This is all - absolutelyspecial experiences. For a marriage to be long, it must be perceived not as something that can easily be completed in a couple of years, but as something strong, lasting, something you need to work on, something you need to invest energy in. Marriage is like a profession that can be easily changed. Today you can be a journalist, tomorrow a psychotherapist, the day after tomorrow you can change your job to another specialty. Marriage is a job that cannot be freed from so easily. What is the secret of a long, happy relationship? Some people are predisposed to happiness. For them the glass is half full. And there are people with a more depressive nature, for whom the glass is half empty. When talking about happiness, you need to start with this. Happiness is also personal responsibility for your life. We should always ask ourselves the question of our contribution to what is happening: “Yes, I am poor, I had a difficult childhood. But what can I do now to change my life? If you don't have good relationships with people, ask yourself: “What exactly am I doing for this? What is my responsibility?” Perhaps 90% of the time you have no control over the situation. But in 10% - you can change something! And here group psychotherapy is very effective. After studying in a group for several weeks, at some point you begin to behave in it the same way as in the outside world. And one of the participants will definitely notice how your behavior affects the appearance of sympathy and antipathy on the part of others. You will receive feedback. And this is a very effective method for getting to know yourself in addition to psychotherapy. Have you ever had crises in your family life? Oh, there were a lot of crises. For me, the hardest thing was having three children within five years and combining these events with scientific work. Irwin was then receiving his medical education. These were the most difficult years, and now they are the simplest. So wait for old age :) Books by Marilyn YalomHow the French Invented Love: Nine Hundred Years of Passion and Romance (2012)The American Resting Place: Four Hundred Years of History Through Our Cemeteries and Burial Grounds (2008)Birth of the Chess Queen (2004) )A History of the Wife (2001)A History of the Breast (1997)Blood Sisters: The French Revolution in Women's Memory (1993)Le Temps des Orages: Aristocrates, Bourgeoises, et Paysannes Racontent (1989)Maternity, Mortality, and the Literature of Madness (1985) Books in Russian Yalom M. How the French invented love. M.: Eksmo, 2013. In the 12th century in France, the image of “courtly love” first appeared - love in which a woman is attributed no less passion than a man. In the book, Marilyn explores all types of passion. This is the tragic love of Tristan and Isolde, and the realism of Madame Bovary, and the love affairs of George Sand, and the free love of Jean Paul Sartre and Simone de Beauvoir, and the passion between lovers of different generations. As a result, the author comes to the conclusion: there is a special type of love , the so-called amour-passion - the unity of passionate desire and sublime love. This love is valuable without any conditions. After all, it is thanks to her that we feel the joy of being alive. Yalom M. History of the breast. M.: Eksmo, 2011. Who owns breasts? Fashion, which determines what shape and size it should be, or men for whom breasts are a fetish and an object of passion? Or maybe a child who receives food? Or is it the woman herself? Marilyn offers readers a detailed historical and cultural analysis of this topic. Breast envy theoryMarilyn Yalom and feminism, full version of the sidebar. Based on materials from: gender.stanford.edu/news/2012/report-field-senior-scholar-marilyn-yalom As Marilyn Yalom wrote in her answer to the question “What is a person?” for the journal Sciences et Avenir, we live in a man's world: we speak a man's language, we are surrounded by men's pictures. In English, the word “man” is translated as “man”, that is, person = man. Leonardo da Vinci's painting "Vitruvian Man", Rodin's sculpture "The Thinker" - all these works of art, intended to show humanity, miss