If you take a closer look at people’s relationships, you will notice a strange thing: we are all, openly or covertly, constantly in conflict with others, which leads to the fact that we live in constant tension and stress. This behavior of ours leads to the fact that we spend a huge amount of time worrying, become embittered, lose our health and, of course, the things we need to do suffer. Since, to the detriment of them, we spend the necessary time to implement them on our emotional suffering, and then we also do rash and illogical actions. However, it is worth thinking about where such a life will lead us, and then it is worth trying to find a way out. Each of us would like life among people to bring us success in life, comfortable relationships, a harmonious mental and physical state, days filled with pleasant and successful deeds. But in order to live this way, all you need is to remember wisdom and rebuild your relationships with people around you on the basis of it. And the 15 commandments of competent relationships with neighbors will help you with this. The first commandment is: love your neighbor. When communicating with him, turn to the best sides of his soul, even if they are not known to you at this moment. Talk to everyone as if you were talking to your best friend. Just believe me, dear reader, each of us has good, better sides of our personality, be it the ability to listen, give good advice, sympathize, just treat us to tea, support, borrow money until payday, or give us a ride home. I agree, it’s difficult to see the best sides in a person, but you assume as an axiom that they are there and that’s all, but they haven’t revealed themselves to me yet. Commandment two: stand in a person’s place (in a figurative sense), and only then will you see what needs to be done. Very often we do not give ourselves the trouble to understand what is happening to a person, why he behaves this way. This happens because we identify him with ourselves and do not want to understand him and his true position at this moment. That’s why, in order to understand him, to understand his logic of action, you need to take his place, become him for a minute, understand his logic of actions and words, admit that someone can think and act differently from us. Commandment three: behave in such a way as not to deceive human expectations. Those. promise only what you will definitely do. Express your thoughts and feelings specifically, directly, and not in a hint in the hope that the person will understand what you said. Yes, a person will listen, but he will understand in his own way, and will do it in his own way, not as expected. You will give a reaction to this, and it will clearly not be what your opponent expected. The result is a conflict of interest. Therefore, you should not use hints and omissions, and you should not give false expectations. But it is worth speaking not only directly and sincerely, but also sensitively towards our interlocutor. Commandment four: control your own and other people’s emotions and don’t let them run wild. As I already wrote above, our emotions, out of control, can lead us into a very ugly state, absorb us and at the same time take us very far from the matter for which they arose. They will take us not to heaven, but to the darkness of the conflict, to overcome and exit from which we will have to spend a lot of nervous energy and emotions. It's all about the haste of our judgments, the inability to listen to the opponent to the end, to delve into his appeal to us, the desire for everything to always be our way, without taking into account the interests of the common cause. And therefore, we often interrupt, without listening to the end, we begin to think and think in our own way, after which, naturally, everything in us begins to seethe and here you are, the conflict is ready. And having sorted it out, after we’ve cooled down, we suddenly realize that we were talking about the same thing, but we just didn’t give each other the opportunity to be understood. And all because of emotional passion, and all because of our internal expectations... remember that our emotions can be a product of our erroneous conclusions, and, therefore, they will lead away from the essence of the matter and lead toconflict and lack of understanding. Therefore, you need to control your emotions, stop them and simply ask your interlocutor whether you understood him correctly, that he said this or expects this from you. Clarity and calmness in conversation will never hurt: you will spend less mental energy and will be satisfied with the communication. Commandment five: separate people and problems, and solve problems constructively. It's simple, not all people are pleasant to us for one reason or another. And we are not pleasant to everyone. But there are common things to do both at home and at work. And if we have some business to do with a person who is not very pleasant to us, then, most often, we begin to treat the matter with prejudice, we drag out this matter or try to delegate it to others. In general, it turns out that the common cause suffers from our prejudice. But this can have a negative impact on us and on the team in which we are all involved. That is precisely why, you need to remember the first commandment of wise behavior and accept a priori the axiom that in each of us there is the best and good, even if it has not yet been revealed to us, which means that the work must be done without any prejudice towards the one with whom you are doing it, done simply because it must be done well and on time. And who knows what will be revealed to us in the depths of the heart of that person towards whom we had our own prejudices. Commandment six: move away from trench warfare into the area of ​​common interests. Seek unity of interests, not differences in their interpretation. Look for ways to satisfy mutual interests. A person is designed in such a way that sometimes he goes ahead in order to ensure that everything is the way he wants. And at the same time, he is unaware that, while demanding and defending what is personally his, he has already invaded someone else’s personal territory as an invader and is carrying out a devastating raid there. Of course, your requirements may be reasonable, your interests and desires may be relevant. However, it is also worth thinking about the fact that the person with whom you are now dealing and expecting and demanding something from him may simply misunderstand what you want from him, and then clarification is required. Or it is possible that this person at this moment in time is simply not able to give you what you expect from him, while stamping his foot. How can you demand adult actions from a child, or how can you expect a fifth-grade student to write an essay on the level of Tolstoy’s or Dostoevsky’s novels?! But we always have something in common with our neighbors, for example, the goals of cooperation, the goals of building relationships, the goals of doing common work, the goals of raising children... We have a lot in common, that’s where we need to look for mutual understanding, in general there is a common ground and a solution for many our problems of misunderstanding and bias. Commandment seven: do not convince with your own pressure, but integrate your arguments into the fabric of the other person’s reasoning. I understand that this will require great patience and tact, sensitivity and sympathy. Of course, it’s very easy to simply bark and cut off the other person’s arguments in order for him to behave in a way that will be convenient and pleasant for you. But having a constructive conversation is an energy-intensive activity: you immediately need to delve into what the person is saying, enter into his position, stand in his place, see the problem through his eyes, imbued with his feelings. Oh, all this requires nothing less than to step on your Ego’s tail and admit the idea that someone may be right, someone may also have the right to be heard. But following this commandment, we will acquire in the person of our opponent a friend who will be confident in our wisdom and patience, who will be grateful to us just for the fact that we heard him and talked with him. And at the same time, we will have a faithful ally and our comrade-in-arms in the common cause. Agree, for this it is worth the effort to listen and tactfully talk to the person. Whoever he may be. Commandment eight: take responsibility for everything that happens. But I’m talking about responsibility, and not about guilt or the feeling “I owe everything.” These feelings will not allow you to competently and openlycommunicate with your loved ones, and will definitely cause a storm of negative emotions in you, which sooner or later will result in open conflict. And responsibility is a feeling when you understand exactly the purpose for which you approached someone, the tasks that you personally will have to complete for this. And so, if I approach communication with any person responsibly, then I will try to tactfully and unambiguously express my thoughts, remembering that in front of me now is a person with his own inner life, his “I”, his beliefs and beliefs. And since I am a responsible person, then I will build communication competently, correctly, culturally, without attacks, without infringing on someone’s rights and freedoms, without insults, taking into account all the personal, age and cultural characteristics of my interlocutor. What will this give me? At least that there will be no bitter aftertaste after such a conversation. And of course, if we have such an approach, then, for sure, I will reach some kind of agreement, and not go into a positional war, and I will look like a cultured person, and not like a Neanderthal, which, you see, is very important for our image and for acceptance yourself. Commandment Nine: Look for not just one, but many alternatives! Remember, the more there are, the higher the likelihood of a high-quality resolution of any misunderstanding, contradiction, rejection or conflict. Yes, a person has this peculiarity of standing his ground and demanding his own, without taking into account the capabilities of your interlocutor, and also without taking into account the forecast of where your stubbornness may lead this relationship in the future. We must remember that we all have different views on the same problem. And we each have our own unique view on solving this problem. That's why we need to negotiate! And in order to reach an agreement, you need to make some alternative concessions. This is why it is important to have a large number of alternative solutions in stock, as this will make it possible to reach a common agreement without infringing on the rights of everyone involved in problematic relationships. No, of course, if you want it to be mandatory only according to you, without taking into account the requirements of the circumstances and situation, then you have the right to stubbornly stick to your line, but it will only lead you to a depressed mental state, loss of health, conflicts, anger and resentment. But everything will be your way! But without friends and interlocutors! For in any communication at least two parties are involved, which means that each of them claims to be heard and understood, claims to resolve the matter in its own vision. This can divide and separate you, but alternatives will definitely unite you and unite you. Commandment tenth: catch the “language” of your partner’s body, he is very eloquent. Adapt to your partner, reflect to him that you understand his state. The “language” of our body is very eloquent, and by paying attention to the gestures, posture and facial expressions of our interlocutor, if we wish, we can understand his feelings quite well. There are many books on this topic that you always have the opportunity to look through, which will give you the opportunity to better understand the other person. And so, our postures, facial expressions and gestures are eloquent, paying attention to them during any conversation, it is not difficult to understand what your interlocutor is experiencing. Then, you just need to let him know that you understand him and win him over, again using the same “language”. For example, your interlocutor sits stiffly in front of you, crossing his arms and legs. Perhaps he is cold, or perhaps he is tense, closed. Sit yourself relaxed, without crossing your arms and legs, and you will see that after some time your interlocutor will take a position similar to yours. And most importantly, don’t forget to smile! Your sincere and friendly smile will melt, like a ray of sunshine, any ice of misunderstanding, isolation and tension. Commandment eleven: do not succumb to the illusion of understanding, clarify what is said to you until you fully understand the meaning of what they are trying to convey to you. Each of us suffers from the erroneous belief of understanding another person. According to us, there is understanding between us, but more often we are in the words spoken to us by our interlocutorWe put our meaning and our expectations. If you are asked to do something, if help is expected from you, or information that is important to you is conveyed to you, or they share secrets with you, do not hesitate to simply ask again whether you understood everything correctly. It’s so easy to say: “Did I understand you correctly, what do you expect from me...”, “Did I understand correctly that you are now worried about this? etc. Commandment twelve: give feedback when communicating with people, not evaluating their personalities and actions, but reflecting your feelings, evaluate circumstances, not people. It often happens that at some point in a conversation, we suddenly realize that we have become somehow uncomfortable and tense communicating with our interlocutor; it may seem to us that he is deliberately offending us, provoking us, not wanting to understand, etc. In this case, you should not tell your interlocutor that the person created this tension, that he specifically does not want to understand you or offends you, it is better to simply tell him that you now felt tension in the conversation, that you feel some misunderstanding and ambiguity of the situation that this situation worries you and puts you in an awkward position. And then you will see how the conflict that begins to develop will subside on its own, and each of the interlocutors will be satisfied that he was understood and listened to. Commandment thirteen: you must always talk about your goals as a desired result, you need to speak in the language of specific sentences. That is, if you want to ask your interlocutor for something, invite him somewhere, or expect something from him, then say it directly and simply, something like this: “You know, Nikolai, I would be glad to visit an exhibition of photographs in the museum with you, tell me, when would you be able to do this?”, or “Maria Anatolyevna, I expect to receive a report from you no later than this Thursday,” or “Vadim, could you give me a ride to the dacha in this Saturday at 18.00? A person is designed in such a way that, out of false embarrassment or the desire for our neighbor to guess what we want, we are ready to speak in hints, and then similar phrases will sound something like this: “Nikolai, were you at the exhibition in the museum?”, “Maria Anatolyevna , you remember about the report?”, “Vadim, couldn’t you somehow give me a lift somewhere?” Did you feel the difference? In the first case, it is clear to our interlocutor what and when they want to get from us and what lengths they will have to go to for this. And in the second case, everything is very vague, and Nikolai is unlikely to guess about your desire, and Maria Anatolyevna will generally write a report this week and submit it to you. So if you really want to get something from your interlocutor or to be understood correctly, then please speak directly and specifically, which will allow you to avoid a lot of disappointments and misunderstandings both on your part and on the part of your interlocutor. Commandment fourteen: exclude subjectivity in your assessments and arguments, do not confuse facts and opinions about them. Offer only what your interlocutor accepts. Yes, this commandment is not simple; maintaining objectivity can be extremely difficult due to the desire to express to your interlocutor everything that is painful, or to convince him of our version of the vision of the situation. But we must remember that we all have our own subjective opinion about everything, and it is unlikely that it will completely coincide with the opinions of other people. Yes, there will be partial matches, but that’s all. Therefore, it is very important to report any situation to your interlocutor as a third-party situation, albeit ambiguous, but without any of your own assessment of this situation. For example: “You know, sister, I think that you could not fulfill your promise only because something obviously went wrong with you. And yet, next time, you just warn me that you have problems and you You can’t do that, okay?” But this same phrase can also be said purely subjectively, for example like this: “Yes, you just tricked me, I waited for you like crazy in the rain for half an hour. I got sick. And you didn’t even want to tell me that you weren’t coming! You just don’t care what or how it will happen to me!” IN.