The fusion of love and longing for a non-existent (in fact) man in your life is the flesh and blood of love addiction, which is so easily confused with a great feeling. In therapy with one of our clients, we came to the memory of a little girl hiding from the boys behind the closets. At that moment, when schoolgirl Lyuba’s boys, her classmates, suddenly came to her home, she hid from them behind cabinets and under tables. Mom walked around the apartment in bewilderment and told the boys that Lyuba, unfortunately, was not at home. The girl considered close contact as a threat because there was no such contact with her father. She probably really wanted this. But this is exactly what she doesn’t remember at all - all these feelings were not realized and were repressed. What remains in your memory? Memories of her father ignoring her or being aggressive towards her. And if you suddenly went to a meeting and offered contact, then to Lyuba it seemed like deception, sucking up and fake. Having become an adult woman, Lyuba began to communicate with men. But here’s the problem: good, kind men interested her only as friends. But those who ignored her and treated her without much reverence forced her to hide behind imaginary closets, be afraid and passionately desire love and tenderness from there. Moreover, she could not leave the “closet” on her own, as it was very scary. She wanted the non-existent (in fact) man in her life, the one with whom she was in love, to find her himself, pull her out from behind the closet, warm her, warm her up and love her. In Lyuba’s mind, “Love = her love + his indifference/coldness/distance/passion for other things and women.” A strong alloy that makes you suffer from anxiety and depression. Anxiety - during the so-called relationship with a “non-existent man”. And depression - during periods without relationships, when no suitable suffering and experiences are thrown into the furnace of neurosis. In what ways can one be treated for this neurosis? 1. Write down for yourself a “healthy formula” of love. For example, love is when a man and I spend time in reality, and not in my imagination. When I clearly see interest in this relationship on his part, supported by specific actions. When gradually a perspective becomes visible in this relationship, and this is not a civil marriage that lasted for n number of years. After all, everyone knows that when a person wants, he looks for opportunities, and when he doesn’t want, he looks for reasons. At the initial stage of a relationship, let the indicator: attention/indifference be your guiding star. If the arrow points to the second, calmly step aside. This does not mean that you yourself cannot take the initiative and are only waiting for the first step from a man, like a modest Turgenev girl. But if the initiative is shown, and the man does not make a reciprocal step, do nothing and wait, say, a week. Often there is absolutely nothing to wait there. Then feel free to cross it out of your fantasies and think: “Hurray, it’s gone!” Why - see the next point.2. Depreciation is an unpleasant thing, and I do not recommend seeing the object of your desire only in black. But walking around with rose-colored glasses is not at all useful here. A man who is not ready for a relationship with you may have his own good reasons for this. He may be busy searching for penguins in Africa, already have some “former classmate” in his head and secretly dedicate poems to her, he may seem a little flawed to himself and be afraid of relationships like hell... There’s no need to cure him of all this! Practice shows that psychologists cope well with this, but women themselves - not so much. The fruit on the branch may not yet be ripe, although it attracts attention from the outside, like a bright and tasty fruit. After tasting it, you will feel the sourness and bitterness... are you really hoping to get full and enjoy it?3. Experience feelings according to the script. In this childhood scenario, you were abandoned, ignored, left alone. You can put on a mask and appear strong and confident at work, but at home, carefully remove this mask and live.