From the author: Based on the concepts of Positive Psychotherapy. The original article was published on my blog Download our books on psychotherapy for free here: “Health is not the one who does not have problems, but the one who knows how to solve them” - this is the approach of positive psychotherapy. Where more than one person gathers, sooner or later problems arise conflicts. Conflicts exist exactly as long as a person exists, because... They arise in the process of interaction and communication between people. It is not possible to avoid them. The emergence of conflicts in professional activities is a natural situation, and striving to create a “conflict-free” atmosphere is an unpromising endeavor. Moreover, the absence of conflicts is not a sign of a healthy atmosphere. It is much more important for a manager to learn not to suppress conflicts, but to transfer them into a constructive channel, then the business will only benefit. The attitude of management towards conflicts is usually negative. It is believed that conflicts increase tension in the team and reduce the performance of each employee or entire departments. In order to moderate the desire of employees to conflict with each other, some, especially Western, companies introduce very substantial fines levied on participants in the conflict “for committing actions leading to economic losses for the company.” Of course, conflicts have harmful consequences, since they often lead to disorder and instability , slow down decision making. But conflicts also have a very serious positive meaning, which is often not taken into account. For example, it is often conflicts in an organization that are a source of innovation and stimulate change. To prohibit conflict means to prohibit a company from growing and developing. Also, the positive functions of conflict include defusing tension between the conflicting parties, diagnosing the capabilities of opponents, identifying management problems in the organization, the emergence of new rules of behavior, and uniting the team when confronting external difficulties. It is almost impossible to insure yourself against conflicts, because in any organization there are a lot of objective reasons that can contribute to the aggravation of the situation. Thus, any situation related to the limitation of resources to be distributed leads to tension. The appearance of information acceptable to one side and unacceptable to the other (rumours, gossip) stimulates inappropriate behavior of some employees. The discrepancy between the values ​​and goals of employees and the goals of the organization is a very significant reason for the development of disputes. There have been and will continue to be communicative or behavioral reasons, including employee behavior that does not meet the expectations of others, as well as issues of ownership, social status, authority, responsibility, etc. And if, in the presence of so many objective reasons, it is impossible to insure against conflict, then you can learn to manage it. This is what we teach in our trainings. Where is the conflict? According to the model of positive psychotherapy, our life can be fully described by four areas: body health - everything related to the body and health (hygiene, sports, nutrition, sex, etc.); achievement activity - everything related to achievements (work, study , career, achieving goals, etc.); contacts, traditions - everything related to relationships between people (spouses, children, relatives, friends); fantasies, future meaning - spiritual and worldview sphere (plans, dreams, values, life philosophy, religion) . For example, problems may be caused by health conditions or difficulties at work, interpersonal conflicts or lack of motivation. Whatever problem we take, it is always located in one of these four areas. Every person has these four spheres. But depending on our preferences, they are developed differently for everyone. What makes you suffer and seek help is called an actual conflict. To begin with, to manage a conflict, you needlearn to correctly determine the area of ​​conflict. We must learn to distinguish work and relationships, our dreams from reality. So, for example, if a conflict with a colleague does not go beyond the scope of a professional relationship, then this is a sphere of activity, not contacts. And vice versa, if a conflict with a friend who is also a colleague does not concern professional activity, then this is more likely a sphere of contacts rather than a sphere of activity. A person often suffers from the fact that the conflict swells and begins to affect all areas of life. An accurate understanding of the scope of the conflict gives a better chance of choosing the right solution. The conflict should not be inflamed, but localized. Where to run? Based on the theory of the four spheres of life, we have the opportunity to solve our problems through these four spheres. However, difficulties arise when the problem is located in one area, but is processed in a completely different one. For example, a person has problems at work (field of activity), and he processes it by “running into contacts,” discussing the problem with friends or relatives, trying to get support. Or a person “runs into fantasy”, for example, with the help of alcohol he temporarily escapes reality. Or he “runs into illness”, taking the problem to heart in the literal sense of the word in the form of angina. In other words, the problem is processed anywhere, just not where it was born. Thus, there are four ways to process conflict, or four types of “escape,” and they must be used correctly. As it turns out, processing problems and resolving them are not the same thing. The problem must be solved where it originated. What is conflict? At the root of a problem there is always a conflict. So what is it? Conflict is not a quarrel or a scandal, it is not a cry or indignation. A conflict is a clash of interests, an obstacle to the satisfaction of some needs. Hence, the conflict can be any “want” and “no” or “impossible”. But the way you will react to this conflict is called a reaction to the conflict and may look like a scandal, shouting or patient listening, etc. and so on. CONFLICT -----> REACTION TO CONFLICT It is very useful to notice and understand your reactions to conflicts. You become tense and your head starts to hurt, your blood pressure rises, you lose sleep (body), or you get caught up in some activity, at work or at home (activity). Either you start looking for an opportunity to talk to someone, or, on the contrary, be left alone (contacts). Or you escape into dreams and daydreams through alcohol, TV, the Internet or books. In addition, there are four types of reactions to conflict. For example, deepening or exaggeration. This is what is called making a mountain out of a molehill. A person tries to give greater expressiveness to his suffering by exaggerating the conflict itself. Or denial. This is when a person, being in conflict, pretends that nothing significant is happening. By doing this, he is preparing problems not only for himself, but also for others. A shift or switching indicates that a person has problems in one area, for example work, and the conflict is processed, for example, by “breaking away” with loved ones at home. Conclusion: admit to yourself your problems, be moderate and solve problems where they appear. What's the matter? In order to manage conflict, you need to learn to understand it. In addition to the localization of the conflict (sphere of conflict), it has content that is described in specific words. According to the theory of positive psychotherapy, all human behavior can be described in terms of so-called actual abilities: Actual abilities are behavioral and social norms. A transcultural study conducted by German professor N. Pezeshkian in 22 countries around the world revealed these behavioral norms. All people, regardless of culture, are similar to each other in that they are characterized by these behavioral norms. They differ from each other in the significance of these behavioral norms. For example, patience, as a behavioral norm, is characteristic of any person, but it is not developed in everyone.the same. One is more patient and knows how to wait for a long time, the other is less so and easily begins to act. These abilities are called relevant because they are relevant in our everyday life. At every moment in time we demonstrate some actual abilities. Our behavior actually consists of them and our character is formed. It is obvious that with such complexity and multifactorial influences on a person in the process of upbringing, abilities do not develop evenly and differently in different people. Some of them may be developed to the point of virtuosity, while others may remain in their infancy. You can, for example, love order, but be impatient. In addition to describing behavior, actual abilities are always the content of conflict. Those. conflicts arise when a person’s ideas about a particular norm are violated. Minor troubles, but with long-lasting effects, they work on the principle of “a drop wears away a stone.” For example, you are a very punctual person and have to deal with very unpunctual subordinates. If this happens once or twice, it is not yet a tragedy. However, if you have to deal with this for a long time, you are in conflict. If you are also very polite and cannot express your dissatisfaction, there is a tendency for the conflict to perpetuate and threaten your physical and emotional health. In order to effectively manage conflict, you need to be able to distinguish between personality and behavior, and understand current abilities. Personality does not equal behavior. PERSONALITY ≠ ACTUAL ABILITY In assessing a person, it is better to rely on an assessment of his behavior. For example, a person may be very neat, clean and obliging, but impatient or insincere. Or he may be very patient and sincere, but uncommitted or careless. Individual aspects of the command do not characterize his entire personality, but only indicate individual actual abilities. To manage a conflict, you need to understand exactly what is in its content. In other words, what actual ability is causing the conflict. How it happens While working with one of the companies, its manager approached us with the problem that one of the leading specialists began to get sick a lot in the last four months. Right now he is really needed, the company is counting on him, there is a lot of work that he does not do, he shifts it to his subordinates, while he goes to the doctors, gets tested, gets examined, gets IVs. His health, despite constant treatment, is not improving, and his efficiency and productivity are declining. After we were able to talk with this specialist several times, it turned out that over the past six months the salaries of several leading specialists from neighboring departments have been increased. And the employee’s internal conflict was that he deeply experienced this as a conflict of justice and could not talk about it. He has worked well and with full dedication for several years, brings profit to the company, his department is in good standing, and others’ salaries are increased. Due to his frugality and interest in money, as well as his sense of justice, he experiences this as a conflict. But due to politeness and lack of skill to defend his interests, he could not share his experiences with his superiors, but processes this internal conflict in the sphere of the body, experiencing various bodily symptoms. Only after we understood the conflict, we managed to convey it to the employee himself the meaning of his “flight into illness.” Only after this did it become possible to teach him how to resolve conflicts in the area in which they arose, that is, in the field of activity. Having gained determination, the specialist had a frank conversation with the manager, voicing his expectations and complaints to the management, which were heard. Moreover, the manager admitted that he did not plan to increase the salary of this specialist, since he believed that he was satisfied with everything. Only after their joint conversation was it possible to reach mutual understanding and resolve this.