We can never guess how our past affects us. But it does influence. Definitely influences. Sometimes making us wiser, sometimes stronger. And sometimes... sometimes it creates invisible, unconscious obstacles. This article is about such oddities. Or rather, how by touching the phenomenon of the past, we can influence our present and future. Working about illnesses, troubles and other difficulties, I often come across the fact that unfinished relationships from the past interfere with the future. Or rather, they interfere with a happy future. The future will, of course, come. Swift and inevitable. But the quality... the quality of life depends on how we relate to the past. A beautiful girl was sitting at the consultation. Alive, big-eyed. She had a lot of life, love for life and a thirst for happiness. Despite her beauty, liveliness and vitality, the girl remained alone. The past firmly discouraged the desire to be in a relationship. Those. she made attempts. But in essence, she had no strong desire. - Why? – I asked naively. - If you listen to yourself, why? - Tired of waiting. In past relationships I waited a long time. I tried. I cared. Tired. I don’t want to. At these words, the girl’s liveliness instantly turned off. The eyes became dull and sad. I suggested “talking” with the “ex”. The favorite and often used “hot chair” technique often surprises with its unexpected discoveries. She talked for a long time and a lot about her claims to her ex. But when she moved to his place, she suddenly fell silent. She looked at herself through the eyes of her ex-man, whom she had waited for about 15 years. There was just everything in that look that an article wouldn’t be enough to describe. “We are too different,” she said unexpectedly. - too much. Absolutely. And all my complaints are not because he is bad or I waited a lot. Just because we are different. - So, if he married you, you would spend your whole life trying to build a family with a person who is very different... - Horror... we are different. Like a fish and a bird. Nobody is bad. No one is better or worse. Just very different. - It would be hard if he still married you. - Unbearable. It would be difficult for each of us. - So can I thank him for not marrying you? My client’s eyes instantly came to life. - Yes! Yes! Thank you! - Just tell him “thank you for being there.” Thank you for leaving.” We discussed her discovery for a long time, I rejoiced at the liveliness of my client and was about to ask the question “what lesson did your partner teach you,” when she said: “You know what’s surprising? All his “bad actions” (silence, ignoring, hurtful words, inattention, etc.) were simply a message of “I’m not your man.” And I perceived them as an insult. Instead of hearing this as a message, everyone hoped that he would change and “we will be happy.” I deceived myself! It's so good that everything went well! Now I feel so free! Look at your past relationships. Listen to your heart. If there is discomfort, then give something to your partner or take something from him. (You can give and take with both a plus and a minus sign). Having lived through emotions, listen - what lesson did your partner teach you? What did you teach your ex-partner? Find gratitude, no matter how paradoxical it may be. If my client’s “ex” had married her, they would have lived a long and unhappy life. And so... she had a new chance. "Thank you for leaving." Paradoxical... but my client spoke from the bottom of her heart. (image by Stephen Hanks)