The other day, an acquaintance told me: “Nowadays they talk a lot about codependent relationships.” It feels like others simply don’t exist. “They do,” I answered. And then I decided to jot down this note. Although it’s true that a lot has been written, I tried to structure the data based mainly on my observations and practice. The codependent type is very common. It is destructive and often causes certain inconvenience and discomfort to the participants in the relationship. This is probably why they write and talk about him so much. Is there really an alternative? Let's think about this together. We humans are social creatures. We live in a society of our own kind, which means we somehow build relationships with each other. We are all different. But no matter what we are, the truth is that we are all somehow dependent on someone or something. It’s just that the degree of addiction is different for everyone. Sometimes she is, so to speak, healthy, sometimes not. To begin with, I propose to dwell on the key indicators of dependence and independence. And only then, look at codependency and interdependence. Dependency. Let me make a reservation right away, now I will not delve into chemical and behavioral addictions such as gambling addiction, shopaholism, etc. To be dependent in a relationship means to rely, hope on someone, be under the influence, control of the one to whom we entrust ourselves. Being addicted isn't always a bad thing. For example, from infancy to adolescence we depend on our parents. They provide us with the things necessary for life, educate, teach, support us. As we grow older, it is expected that the intensity of our dependence on our parents will decrease. We ourselves will begin to make decisions, evaluate our actions, pay expenses, etc. But this does not happen for everyone and not always. It happens that a person, having already become an adult, never learns to take responsibility for himself. He has not developed self-sufficiency. He cannot make decisions on his own and remains in dire need of support and provision. He remains dependent on another person or people. He tries to satisfy his need for dependence, as a rule, either in the parental family or with his partner. Symbolic meaning, associations: a defenseless child, a person without support, a steep staircase without a railing. The essence: I can’t live without you / it’s very difficult for me without you: to solve my problems, to provide for myself, to do something without you, to experience positive feelings, etc. .d.Gives responsibility for one’s life to another. Self-esteem is most often underestimated. Depends on the opinions of others, urgently needs other people's approval, tries to meet the expectations of others. Behavioral style is manipulative. Demands his own. Will adapt to the partner as long as he satisfies his needs. Role: often takes the position of a victim. The Inner Child dominates. Personal boundaries are weak and blurred. As a rule, they are poorly understood. Independence. Having a certain level of independence means being able to make decisions independently, without the help of others. There comes a time in many of our lives when we strive for independence. Sometimes, we take this desire to the extreme. Our desire to no longer rely on others is often a consequence of disappointment, betrayal, pain. We stop trusting people because we no longer want to be let down, we don’t want to “fall for the same rake” - they hit us painfully on the head. We begin to divide people into strong and weak. We regard the need for others as weakness. And, on the contrary, we perceive a complete refusal of someone’s help and support as strength. We keep our emotions to ourselves and consider ourselves absolutely self-sufficient. Symbolic meaning, associations: lone wolf. The gingerbread man who believed the fox, and she ate him. Essence: I decide everything myself. I don't trust people anymore. It’s easier to live alone than to become a victim of betrayal, etc. An independent person always takes full responsibility for his life. Self-esteem can be both inflated andunderstated. Often, you can hear the following phrases from him: “If you want to do something well, then do it yourself.” "I never ask anyone for help." “I help everyone, no one helps me.” "I am a completely self-sufficient and independent person." “Here, I’ll humiliate myself and beg. I’ll do everything myself.” “Only girls and weaklings cry,” etc. Behavioral style is closed, aloof. “I don’t get attached to people, I don’t trust them.” Roles. His roles lack the position of a victim. His Inner Child is deactivated. Personal boundaries are strong, clear, impregnable. It is difficult for this type to let people in and build close, open relationships with them. Of course, each of us can manifest both dependence and independence, the main thing is that there is a balance between them. So, I have described two extremes that can be inherent in a person. Now, I propose to look at the options for relationships between people. Codependent Relationships: Codependent relationships require two people. Person A exhibits some psychological or physiological dependence, sometimes leading to addictive behavior. He needs support and chooses person B as this support. Person B, in turn, thrives on the needs of person A, becoming codependent on him. In other words, one takes, the other gives. Everyone develops both primary and secondary benefits. Codependent people find it difficult to create stable and healthy relationships. They always know what will be better for others. They often feel a strong desire to correct, remake, correct another person, give him advice, and direct him to the true path. They spend a lot of effort and energy on this, but often do not receive positive emotions. Symbolic meaning: “I am you, you are me.” "I can change you." “I know what’s best for you.” The essence: person A - I can’t live without you, I can’t cope without you; person B - you can’t do it without me, you can’t cope without me. They shift responsibility for their lives onto each other. The self-esteem of both participants in such a relationship is usually low. Depends on the partner's opinion. Codependents are prone to self-criticism; they often feel that something is wrong with them. Personal boundaries: thin, unclear. It is difficult to say “no” to such people. They place the needs and desires of another person above their own needs, and often their capabilities. If they do something for themselves more than for another, they begin to experience feelings of guilt, shame, and anxiety. Codependent people can only feel happy in relationships with other people. They are not inclined to self-sufficiency. They need someone nearby like air. Because of the fear of losing their need for another person, they exercise excessive control. They often resort to deception. A codependent elevates himself above another person, endowing himself with stronger qualities. Understates the capabilities and abilities of another person, thereby justifying his importance and need for his partner. Roles: the dependent chooses the role of the victim, and the codependent chooses the role of the persecutor or rescuer. The dependent is dominated by the Inner Child, and the codependent is dominated by the Inner Parent. Interdependent relationships. Interdependent is an absolutely healthy, opposite to codependent, relationship format, which also requires the participation of two or more people, if we are talking about a family or some kind of community. The difference between codependent and interdependent relationships is that in the latter there is a balance. These are relationships that are built on trust and confidence in each other. At the same time, the participants in the relationship retain their self-identification, have the opportunity to develop and express themselves. Symbolic meaning: I am me, you are you. We are different, but we can be together. The essence: person A likes to be together with person B and also vice versa, while both can do without each other. The self-esteem of both partners is balanced and does not depend on the opinion of the other. Of course, emotions are important for them, like for all other people. Support and recognition of each other is important. But, regardless of this, their self-esteem remains.