The matter of autonomy#detective_amirova At the beginning of a relationship, you almost always want everything at once. But there will definitely be someone in the couple who refuses to move at an accelerated pace. It is this person who will be the first to declare the need to maintain autonomy in a couple: fed up with the complete fusion on the wave of romantic and sexual energies, he will strive to declare sovereignty. And this process is logical. Usually this round of relationships begins with a phrase like: “There are somehow a lot of you in my life, I don’t see friends and family, I miss my traditional entertainment. In general, I need a pause.” And at this moment the world of the second person in the couple collapses. He feels irritation, rejection, self-disdain and frantically searches for what he did wrong. At the same time, he suspects and is jealous. But. Everything is not as it seems. It’s all about confused roles and the expectation of compensation for love not received in childhood. A guy’s claim to his chosen one is a trail of relationships with his mother. A girl’s expectations from her chosen one are a claim against her father. But no one should pay off debts for someone else. That is why it is important to disidentify from this scenario in time. And build relationships without childhood expectations from the past. Well, the desire for autonomy. This is a way to preserve yourself as before, to step back and evaluate the situation: to look at your partner from a distance and evaluate: “Will I take this weight.” And it’s good if the second person quickly understands this and changes the strategy. For example, how Ilya did it. Read his story. (Publishing with the client’s consent, name has been changed) Ilya: I’m dating a girl. I want to see her 24 hours a day. I understand, I'm in a hurry. She reproaches me for excessive control, attention and guardianship, and values ​​her independence. I understand this is her comfortable pace. But I am indignant, impatient and even afraid. I'm afraid of going too far. I also don't like my anxious state and the feeling that I'm doing something wrong. - Let's imagine your girlfriend on this chair. How she looks at you: And: Dismissively, with reproach, condemnation and resentment..- Ok, now you sit on this chair and now look at yourself from HER place. And: She looks with interest and on an equal footing. Somehow even welcoming. And he flirts. - Go back to your place. Now you see that YOUR perception of yourself and HER perception of you are different. And all because the image of your girlfriend in your subconscious is a little distorted. We'll fix it now. Let's separate the image of your girlfriend and this judgmental part. We will place the condemning part as an image on the chair next door. What is this? And: This is a teddy bear - Whose eyes does he look at you with? And: Mom’s..- Now we see that this desire to be a good son for mom is mixed into the image of your girlfriend. This is how the transfer mechanism works. Both figures are female. But the interaction model is completely different. A mother's love is unconditional. But partnerships are not built on the principle of obligation. Therefore, first, let’s clarify the relationship with your mother and disassociate these two female images that are important for you. (The necessary permissions were given, feelings were shown, responsibility for adult life was handed over) - How does your mother look at you now? And: She feels proud of me. She sees me as strong, confident, self-sufficient. - How does your girlfriend look at you? And: With admiration, attention and love. - How will you react if she again reports that she needs time to be alone? And: I’m calm, I also have something to do.- How do you feel? I: A feeling of lightness. And most importantly, pride, strength and confidence! - This is truly yours. By right of birth. Take it and use it! Case closed. I’ll explain what’s what. The way to win the love of a parent is not always suitable for winning the other half. But the algorithm familiar from childhood takes over. And now the desire “I want to see her 24 hours a day” does not attract, but repels a person. And a relationship that has not yet begun risks collapsing. All you need to do is turn your attention to yourself. And understand: it’s not my partner who is so insensitive, it’s me who demands compensation from him,