Since childhood, I have been prone to changing places, I confuse farewells and forgiveness, Departure is dear to me on a journey, Return is always difficult...... And somewhere, on the last shore, I I’ll finish the journey, there’s no doubt about it And I’m unlikely to be able to forgive myself, That it’s no longer possible to return... (“Time Machine”) The dry remainder of life - events are the husks and ashes of relationships... Obolenskaya G. Do I need to write about forgiveness again? Christianity for what century in a row calls on people to repent in order to receive forgiveness...Philosophers argue about whether forgiveness is a desire for superiority (playing God) and a manifestation of disrespect (“The forgiver uses his “mercy” to rise above the one he forgives, and he is not alone once he asks the debtor for his “nobility”, “Forgiveness is arrogant revenge” (J. Wolfrom), “Forgiveness is a manifestation of disrespect, because it means that we do not consider the offender responsible for his actions” (F. Nietzsche)) or “Forgiveness is the greatest virtue on earth, and without a doubt the most necessary.” “Forgiveness means compassion.” Writers create brilliant works about revenge and forgiveness (M. Bulgakov “The Master and Margarita”, etc.) ... Psychologists never tire of repeating that it is not the offender who needs forgiveness, but ourselves (“Forgiveness is a means achieving freedom”, “Forgiveness concerns the past, but makes the future possible” (T. Gouvier))...Nevertheless, it is impossible once and for all to unequivocally answer the question: “To forgive or to take revenge?” There is no universal answer. “The devil is in the details.” There will always be those who believe forgiveness is a virtue and those who hold the view that the true measure of a person’s worth is the ability to take revenge on one’s enemies. Which category of people do you fall into? Where do you put a comma in the phrase: “Forgiveness cannot be retaliated against” and, most importantly, how do you justify your choice?1. You can’t forgive, you can’t take revenge? You live by the principle: “An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth!” You think that forgiveness is a manifestation of weakness, and “He who refuses revenge is a coward!”, He forgives because he is unable to defend his right to a fair decision, and, having forgiven, forever agrees to injustice towards himself. 2. To forgive, but not to take revenge? You are religious and try to follow the teachings of Christ. You are not religious, but, having experienced a lot, you yourself came to the idea of ​​forgiveness. You are sincerely convinced that forgiveness is necessary not for the one who offended, but for the person himself, who (first of all for his own sake!) should get rid of negative feelings, constant thoughts of revenge, which literally “poison the blood”, slowly and painfully killing himself.3. Forgiveness cannot be retaliated against (a comma is placed depending on the situation). For example, “Holy Scripture tells us to forgive our enemies, but it doesn’t say anything like that about friends.” (F. Bacon), etc. Or maybe you agree that “The sweetest revenge is forgiveness” (Israel Friedman), “Forgiving your enemies is the best way to make them angry” (Oscar Wilde), “ The best revenge is oblivion, it will bury the enemy in the ashes of his insignificance” (Baltasar Gracian y Morales), and: ... Forgiveness is like vengeance, Where the forgiven is doubly worse ... If you abstract from religion, philosophy, literature ... and focus on psychology, why Do psychologists pay so much attention to this topic? Because it almost always comes up in therapy. Sometimes it quickly comes to the fore - already at the beginning of work we talk about grievances: against an always drunk father or mother who ignored us for many years, a husband (who lashes out at our general dissatisfaction with life), a child (to put it mildly, who does not correspond to our ideas about the ideal), a boss (who broke his promise), a girlfriend (who betrayed our trust), and in general to life, which disappointed and continues to do so, and sometimes this the topic is hidden under others, and does not “come to life” immediately, when discussing, say, the need to abandon the usual manner of perceiving oneself as a victim... Despite the fact that many people theoretically recognize that resentment, hatred, anger -this is a burden that is very difficult to carry, with which it is not easy to live (see the parable about grievances); they are not always ready to part with these feelings by forgiving THEIR offenders. Parable about grievances “The student asked the teacher: “You are so wise.” You are always in a good mood, never angry. Help me to be like that too.” The teacher agreed and asked the student to bring potatoes and a bag. “If you get angry with someone and harbor a grudge,” said the teacher, “then take these potatoes.” On one side, write your name, on the other, the name of the person with whom the conflict occurred, and put these potatoes in a bag. - Is that all? – the student asked in bewilderment. “No,” the teacher answered. You should always carry this bag with you. And every time you are offended by someone, add potatoes to it. The student agreed. Some time passed. The student's bag had already become quite heavy. It was very inconvenient to always carry it with you. In addition, the potatoes that he put in at the very beginning began to spoil. It became covered with a slippery coating, some sprouted, some bloomed and began to emit a sharp, unpleasant odor. The student came to the teacher and said: “It’s no longer possible to carry this with you.” Firstly, the bag is too heavy, and secondly, the potatoes have spoiled. Offer something else. But the teacher replied: “The same thing is happening in your soul.” When you are angry or offended at someone, a heavy stone appears in your soul. You just don't notice it right away. Then there are more and more stones. Actions turn into habits, habits into character, which gives rise to fetid vices. I gave you the opportunity to observe this whole process from the outside. Every time you decide to be offended or, conversely, offend someone, think about whether you need this stone. We ourselves create our vices. Do you need to carry a bag of rotten potatoes inside?” “Yes,” the man agrees, “it’s hard to keep even one “stone in your bosom,” let alone many... But what does all this have to do with me? I’m just defending my rights”... Often there is no limit to indignation: “Forgive? Whom? For what? Can we still forgive everyone?” Then the person usually goes into the process of listing situations that cannot be forgiven. Let’s take an almost “universal offense” - against parents. I’ll give a specific example, quoting one of the comments under an article about forgiveness posted on the site: “I once had the opportunity to communicate with a person whose drunk father, at the age of 10, hit his head against a radiator. So as not to interfere with your “I want it or I don’t want it!” And I respected my elders, yes.” The consequences are “semi-blindness, poor memory, the inability to travel at least a couple of stops on any transport, and “porridge in the mouth”…”… “… Denied dad the notorious glass of water in his old age, and dad doesn’t want to hear anything about it at all. And how many times they tried to persuade him: “I’m sorry, I’m sorry! What can you take from a drunk man?” But he’s still not okay. Wow, how ignorant people can be!” So, even if “my parents ruined my life” (sometimes literally crippling), I MUST forgive them and continue to communicate with them? Stop. Before we start talking about forgiveness, it is important to understand whether we are talking about a real crime or a subjective accusation. If we mean a criminal offense, then the criminal must be punished. And he was punished severely. There is no need to confuse the need for forgiveness and release of responsibility. But he should not be punished directly by us. “Whoever kills a dragon becomes a dragon.” Forgive (i.e., “agree to forget someone’s guilt; remove guilt from someone, “release from debt,” renounce feelings of resentment and desire for revenge” (dictionary)) or not - everyone’s personal choice. But forgiveness does not mean refusing to prosecute or further communication with the offender. FORGIVING does not mean APPROVING THE BEHAVIOR, AGREEING with the actions of the offenders, or allowing them to DESTROY YOUR LIFE. “Enemies should be forgiven, but not before they are forgiven. will hang on the gallows,” G. Heine once wrote. In my purely philistine opinion (I’m not a lawyer), the father inIn the example given, it is quite possible that he should meet old age in prison, and not claim a “glass of water” served by his caring son. As a psychologist, I understand that even if the father is punished, this fact, unfortunately, will not change anything for the latter. Continuing to hate his father, he continues to remain in a RELATIONSHIP with him (even if in reality he has not supported them for a long time), endlessly returning to the situation of trauma, as if he is playing an old record again and again... And like the reluctance to end the situation, to “close the door” in a terrible past, the choice to forever remain in the position of a 10-year-old child - a victim of a drunken father - helps him adapt to today's life? “There and then” he really couldn’t do anything to influence the situation, but “here and now” he can... No one asks to forgive everyone. There was only one person who died more than two thousand years ago (was he a man?), who called not to judge, spread his arms to embrace the whole world, and he was immediately nailed to the cross... If you do not claim a halo over your head, then, I think you will agree that: Forgiving everyone is no better than not forgiving anyone. (Jean Baptiste Laroche) They say that in order to be forgiven, the guilty must experience repentance. “It is impossible to forgive someone who did not ask for it.” (Trefilov D.S. “They cannot be forgiven”). Even God does not consider it necessary to forgive those who do not repent... Maybe, but, in my opinion, the decision to forgive is needed, first of all, not by the offender and not by God, but by the victim herself. We don’t forgive for someone else, we forgive for ourselves. Forgiveness is the renunciation of the willingness to suffer further. Forgiveness is saying goodbye (with the role of the victim). Regarding the above example, in therapy (and life) it is most often not about Such extreme cases and tragic consequences, rather, are about the “lack of parental love” (or about the discrepancy between our and our parents’ ideas about it)... Most grievances arise due to the fact that what is happening does not coincide with our expectations, with what we believe “ correct." “I did so much for him, gave up my own life, gave everything, and he still dares to accuse me of not loving me? How ashamed isn’t he!”... - how often do we hear such a phrase in therapy (and in life) from our mother... And how often he not only dares, and “he” is not only not ashamed, but really wants to hurt her , to punish with our hatred or indifference for a “happy childhood” and “carefree youth”... We make claims against our parents without even trying to understand them, but after all: To love means to forgive, to forgive means to understand, to understand means to know... Nicholas RoerichWe we compare them with ideal (or simply the best) parents, who perhaps exist only in our imagination, we note the discrepancy with our expectations and are offended... But for many, in order to stop doing this, it would be enough to put ourselves in their place, to find out a little more about the past and try to answer the question: “Why did they behave this way and not otherwise?” and “Could they have behaved differently? (in those circumstances)”, “What could I be grateful to them for?”, but: “Why?”, it is much easier to abandon the cruel: “I did not ask you to give birth to me...”...Don’t judge, and you won’t be judged; do not condemn, and you will not be condemned; forgive, and you will be forgiven..." - it is said in the Gospel of Luke... And sometimes I want to say something else - at least judge before passing a sentence... After all, "even if a criminal offense has been committed, a “case” is opened on the accusation, and it requires consideration of the real facts and psychological characteristics of the “accused.” The main question here is whether these people (your mom and dad) “could”, even if they really wanted to (which is much more difficult to admit), and, in addition, no matter how disgusting it may be to admit whether they had the opportunity to want (this is also a psychological factor). “As a rule, our parents, being physiologically capable of conceiving and giving birth, are completely unprepared for the psychological role of parents, in their own way.” preparation, and due to their motivation. They get children “by chance” (the sameFreud wrote somewhere that this is the price charged by Nature for the satisfaction of sexual desire; Isn’t it true that the point of view, despite its triviality, is very harsh?). And if we add to this that our parents are just as neurotic as you and me, only without access to psychotherapy, then from an objective point of view, the accusation, as a rule, has very shaky foundations. And, most likely, the “case” will end in nothing: we will have to admit that both the mother and the father “couldn’t do it.” That's all. Sad but true. But there is nothing and no one to be offended by” (Papush M.P.). But if no one is to blame, then you feel even more sorry for yourself, my dear... Within the framework of a therapeutic session, this is the time and place to remember grievances (including including parents), if they exist (and who doesn’t?)… It’s absolutely normal to work with them, as much as a person needs. No one will judge you. But if you are an ADULT (and I work mostly with adults), then you cannot help but understand that the situation has changed. Children (at a certain age) tend to idealize mom and dad and believe in their omnipotence. If you still consider yourself a child, then naturally you can continue to blame them for your problems and insist that “you could have done things differently (loved more, nagged less, etc.) if you wanted.” But, you grew up, and that situation ended. And, if you are not ready to admit this fact in principle, I (as a therapist) can’t help you much, because sooner or later the question will arise: “Why would you distort reality and insist that this is not so? What is the “secondary” benefit? Indeed, often, even when circumstances have changed, many people continue to cling to the idea of ​​parental guilt in order to explain all their failures by the harm caused and not take responsibility for their lives. Some people prefer to spend their whole lives collecting a “collection of grievances” ... “Don’t put me in the museum of your victories “... - “Time Machine” once sang... It’s the same in life: some people prefer to concentrate on their achievements and joyful moments, while others prefer to concentrate on defeats and grievances. As enthusiastic collectors, they carefully select from all life events those that they can replenish the exhibition, study, systematize, on occasion they are happy to display especially “valuable exhibits”, tell in detail the “history of their acquisition”, carefully store and carefully look after them, brushing off the “dust of time” from them and arranging them in the most advantageous way... How many mummies in this house, how many stuffed animals, how many dolls, whose factory has run out!.. Why did you torture the poor muse, stupid stuffed man, bad tour guide? V. Pavlova Once again, being offended, such people involuntarily remember all the grievances of the past... It’s like a “rubber band” (E. Bern), which is pulled, pulled and at a certain moment released... Just try to “offend” them or doubt the value or expediency of their “collection”... Everything that a person has managed to “accumulate” up to this moment will be addressed to you personally . Unlived emotions are like a ticking time bomb. One awkward movement is enough... “Many begin to take revenge before they have been offended.” V. Brudzinsky. No matter how cruel it sounds, the role of “caretaker of the museum of grievances” is also a way to find the meaning of life... The role of a martyr brings very good dividends to the performer - for example, in the form of compassion, an ever-expanding circle of acquaintances who are ready to help, etc. Cynically? Maybe. But this is not a matter of condemnation. You can spend your life proving parental guilt as the reason why life failed, if this is your conscious choice. If not, then by continuing to hold onto grievances, who are you actually making worse? To your offenders? Most often, your hatred makes them neither hot nor cold. They don’t notice it, and even if they feel it sometimes, they always find many reasons to justify it. We are offended when we are deprived, as it seems to us, unfairly. But justice is a relative concept... Everyone has their own truth... “We don’t see things as they are. We see things inin the light of what we are." (Anais Nin)So why do we continue to insist on parental (and not only parental) guilt? Perhaps because it brings bonuses: resentment is a means of remaining in a relationship with the offender in the hope, if not “to achieve love,” then at least to get attention or simply what you passionately desire... Some experts generally argue that resentment is it's not a real feeling. This is a way of behavior used to manipulate another person. “Resentment is a feeling that appears in us so early that we can be firmly confident that it is a primordial feeling. Ann is not there. This is a "racket". Remember the children. At what age do they start to get offended? Yes, exactly when they understand that being angry with mom for not getting enough candy is ineffective. It’s much more justified to be offended by her...” ... “I don’t love you” - hits without a miss and is more destructive than a nuclear bomb. It’s a rare parent who can withstand such an onslaught.”... Having made a conclusion, the child begins to hone and improve his skills. The ability to take offense becomes a skill, then a habit, and then a reflex” (Zygmantovich P.V.). That is. resentment is a tool for controlling human relationships. In childhood, the child is offended, attention is paid to him, the parent feels guilty (often without even understanding why) and from this feeling he does what they want from him. The child “makes a decision” that this is how he must influence this world in order to be heard. Then it acts automatically. But when a person grows up, most people treat him differently than his parents. And the old strategy no longer works, but he continues to adhere to it, perhaps again and again becoming convinced that no one really cares about his needs and desires, becoming disappointed and hating... (the world in general, his parents, his partner, his own the child and, ultimately, yourself - for powerlessness and inability to change the situation). Resentment in this case is the position of a small child for whom everything is always not enough (attention, money, importance...). And if this feeling takes pride of place in your life, this is a signal that it’s time to grow up. If we manage to do this, we sometimes (not always!) look differently at our parents (and not only) and understand that often resentments and our hatred for them are not a lack of love, both exist as a pair of opposites that fight to coexist. The more emotionally connected we are to another person, the more they can become a source of good and bad emotions. People who are most offended, as a rule, are those they love. If you are offended by a loved one, you cannot simply let go and forget, you cannot allow this offense to fade into the background, because the relationship with this person is valuable to you... In In many cases, the purpose of hatred is not destruction, but rather the passionate expectation of love... Most often, we experience hatred when we realize that another does not love us (as we imagine) despite our best efforts, and we fall apart from a feeling of helplessness... In this case, hatred is the other side of the phrase: “Love, just love me... I can’t live without you...” Many parents, by the way, are also not inclined to forgive their children for their “imperfection”, “as a keepsake ( in this case) don’t complain” and will easily present you with a full list of their retaliatory grievances, file a “counterclaim” and will, perhaps, insist on its satisfaction for the rest of their lives, discussing “who owes whom”... It would be good in this irreconcilable struggle until the “complete destruction of the enemy”, do not forget that relationships between people exist (in reality) only while the object of hatred (love?) is alive... While we are alive, we can fix everything, realize everything, repent, forgive. Do not take revenge on enemies, do not dissemble loved ones ,Bring back the friends who were pushed away. While we are alive, we can look back, See the path from which we left. Waking up from terrible dreams, push off from the abyss we have come to. While we are alive... How many have been able to Stop loved ones from leaving? We...)