Are you “lucky” to be born to an emotionally cold mother who didn’t care about you and took it out on you for her pain and unfulfillment? Stop blaming yourself for her “suffering”; it’s time to get rid of the imposed sense of duty and destroy negative beliefs. It’s not your fault that your mother didn’t love you. 6 questions that will help put an end to a relationship with a toxic mother1. “If my mother doesn’t love me, is it because of me?” No, it's your mother who couldn't cope with her parental role. Now it’s difficult for you to admit this for two reasons. The first is the myth that all mothers love their children with unconditional love, which means that if there is something wrong in your relationship with her, you are a defective child. The second is the desire for control, the hope that you can solve the riddle and change her attitude with your success, popularity, and the fulfillment of maternal expectations. Stop! No achievements or efforts will change anything, give up false hopes, stop denying the obvious. Mom doesn’t love you - that’s the only fact you need to accept in order to take the path of healing.2. “Can I change her attitude towards me?” To rephrase the question, you are ready to do anything just to make your mother accept you and love you. But it is impossible to influence the feelings of another person either with your “goodness” or with reproaches and scandals; stop looking for reasons in yourself. Your mother loves a brother or sister, herself or another man, but doesn’t love you... because it’s easier for her. There is no need to change your behavior, sacrifice your time, or read books on psychology. She chose the position of running away from the problem, put the screw on the difficulties of parenting and transferred her responsibility to you. But a child cannot and should not be responsible for the mistakes of his parents, their laziness or spiritual cowardice; this is the task of an adult.3. “Am I to blame for the fact that my mother did not love me?” Self-flagellation is a defense mechanism of the psyche. It is difficult for a child to accept the fact that those closest to him may hate him, threaten his safety, and refuse to show care and love. If a parent calls him a “stupid bastard,” a lazy and incapable vegetable, he probably is. This explains their aggressive attitude, violence, and emotional coldness. “Parents are good, I’m the bad one!” - such excuses help alleviate stress. Research by R. Gordsmith and J. Freud shows that victims protect their rapists, adapt to a hostile attitude in order to create the illusion of control: “When I stop being bad, my parents will change too.” It's hard to believe that you are not in control of the situation, and adults just like to mock you. This discovery is traumatic for the child’s psyche.4. “Do I have the right to be offended by my mother if she gave me life?” As soon as a child mentions how bad he feels in his family, a flock of kites immediately swoops down on him: “parents are sacred,” “mom gave you life, this is the most valuable gift,” “they fed you, clothed you, and you... are ungrateful!” It turns out that the mother always has an excuse, but the daughter is bad! But relationships involve two-way traffic; here you cannot blame the creature dependent on you for everything. Of course, the parents provided food and shelter, but the child could receive the same in the orphanage. The function of a parent includes something more - protection, care, love, building adequate self-esteem, cultivating independence in the child. Did a toxic mother provide this? People do not like to listen to the child’s point of view; they appeal to compassion and religious canons, where the child is a slave. Stop making a god out of your mother and face the facts: giving birth was her decision, you are not obligated to give your life in exchange for “shelter and food” until the age of 18 (which a parent, by the way, is obligated to provide by law).5. “If I had been raised by a loving and caring mother, would everything have been different?” When the realization of what happened comes, we overestimate the past, there is a great risk of slipping into a state of.