I, as a family psychologist, often have to deal with requests from parents of this type: “My child studies poorly, dresses terribly, does not obey. Do something with him, you are a psychologist! Teach him to be normal, tell him that studying is very important, he will definitely listen to you!” etc. As a rule, such a request arises from parents of teenagers. But let's figure out what actually lies in this formulation of the problem. Parents understand that something is wrong with their child, because before he was obedient, good, flexible and was not even rude! - Yes, of course, the child was like that. But growing up is inevitable. And at this stage of development, the teenager needs to go through the process of separation - separation from his parents. The child’s task is to gain independence, self-confidence, and his self-attitude and self-esteem are also formed. And this whole story is aggravated by puberty, when hormones in a young body rage and turn off the brain) Agree, the processes are quite important, serious and voluminous. And in general, how successfully a teenager goes through this stage will depend on what kind of adult he will be: self-confident or dependent on his parents (or any other people significant to him), responsible or careless, with adequate self-esteem or not. During the child's adolescence, the family system has to be restructured, and this is always not easy. The system is used to living with a small child. In this case, the rules have already been established, everyone performs their usual role, everything is clear to everyone and the level of general anxiety is tolerable. But then the child starts giving out numbers. Either he’ll get lost in his studies, or he’ll get involved with some dangerous company, or he’ll even come back from a walk smelling of cigarettes. And here the level of anxiety skyrockets: “Something is wrong with our child! It's broken! And then the parents feverishly try to “fix” it: punishments, moralizing, “heart-to-heart conversations”, and the involvement of third parties (grandparents, teachers, coaches) begin. At the same time, parents are terribly afraid that if right now their child does not become the same obedient bunny, then he will certainly become a criminal, a monster, an ignoramus, and his life will go downhill. But in reality, this is rather a battle not for the “bright future of the child “(this anxiety certainly exists too), but more for one’s own calm and familiar existence in a familiar coordinate system. Parents face a number of important tasks. The global task is the restructuring of the family system to suit new circumstances. Namely, it is necessary: ​​First: to review the established rules and create new ones. For example, allowing a child to make his own decisions and be responsible for it. Yes, this is scary and generally a nightmare. Because “How is this? A child doesn’t learn without parental control, and now they’re just letting him go free?!” Well, how else will he learn to understand cause-and-effect relationships? Or do you plan to decide everything for him and control every step before his retirement? Believe in your child and give him this opportunity. And second: accept the inevitability of change in your parental role. You need to become an adult for the child, whom he can rely on in a difficult situation. Help if he needs help. The tactic “You wanted it, you got it, you handle it yourself” will undermine trust and will not benefit anyone. It’s simple: if he asks for help, we help, if he doesn’t ask, we don’t help. Now you are not required to “know better”; now you are a friend, ally, assistant. In short, we move from the position of a parent to a position of equals. And for this you will need to immerse yourself in his world, get to know your child again. Find out what he/she watches, what tiktokers he/she follows, what music he/she listens to, and who her crush/crush is. It also happens that a teenage crisis happens “at hand” in case of problems in the relationship between spouses. Instead of discussing “what’s wrong between us?”, parents actively discuss the teenager. They plunge headlong into his “salvation.” And it's very convenient. After all, you may not have to deal with your own discomfort in?)