"The best way to make children good is to make them happy." (O. Wilde) Recently, we have increasingly heard from various sources about the importance of ways of communicating with a child and that the choice of such a method by parents (conscious or accidental) always plays a significant role in the behavior and development of the child. Let's try to figure this out together. Working with parents who complained about their children being “uncontrollable,” “aggressive,” or “downtrodden,” “uncommunicative,” I always discussed with them the way of communicating with the child that was accepted in their family. And always, the restoration of a harmonious parenting style helped resolve seemingly “insoluble” difficulties in the child’s behavior. Today I will share with you the most important principles that contribute to the favorable development of parent-child relationships. The first principle is unconditional acceptance. What is it? It's simple: unconditional acceptance of your child is just an expression of love for him not for something (grades, good behavior, help around the house, etc.), but only for the fact that you have him! Systemic family therapist V. Satir said the following about hugs: every child needs four hugs a day for survival, and at least eight a day for his well-being. “Remember how many times a day you hug your child?” Working at the Family and Children Assistance Center, I asked this question many times to parents of children of different ages and most often encountered a surprised exclamation: “Wow, eight times..!” In some families, I learned with regret, hugs were not practiced at all... Sometimes parents were lost in how to introduce hugs into the practice of their family: when to approach, under what pretext (!), how to present them (especially if the child has already stepped into the “difficult” adolescence). I said and will repeat the following: in my opinion, there are no uncomfortable moments for expressing love and warmth for your child, and the most correct thing here is to follow the impulse, trust your Soul, and then everything will definitely work out! The second principle is that it is important to help and support the child, while gradually giving him freedom in activities that he can handle on his own. A child’s mistakes and failures give him the opportunity to “grow up”; The adult’s task is only to support and accept (see principle one). It is also necessary to remember that the potential and uniqueness of your child develops exclusively in the direction that he had the opportunity to choose on his own and which is interesting to him. I remember an incident told to me by a friend. The situation was such that, contrary to her wishes, her parents sent the girl to a music school to learn how to play the accordion. At that time, her soul was not in favor of this, I don’t argue, beautiful musical instrument at all. But timid attempts to object to the parents were unsuccessful. And now this girl, having become an adult and accomplished woman, sometimes with laughter, and sometimes with bitterness, recalls her return from the “musical class”: she was walking down the street, and in front... she was kicking the accordion that she so hated and was so innocent towards the house ...Naturally, she did not achieve significant success in playing it in her life. The third principle is active listening. This principle speaks of the need to make it clear to the child that you not only listen to him, but also “hear” him. How? Calling by their proper names the feelings and experiences that, in your attentive parental opinion, the child is experiencing now. This is especially important in situations where the child is upset, offended, afraid, or experiences injustice or pain. The principle of active listening is also important because there is a proven fact that it is very difficult for a child (especially under 9 years old) to identify his experiences, and therefore the latter most often remain unexpressed and are subsequently “transformed” into “downtroddenness,” “aggression,” "passivity" and much more. Principle four - talk about your feelingsregarding the child’s actions (both positive and negative). This principle is important because by keeping anger and excitement within yourself, you will not be able to deceive the child. Restrained parental feelings are very well read by children at any age. It is also important that “hidden” feelings tend to “break out”, but in the form of a cry and words, which are often later regretted. It is necessary to talk about your feelings clearly and clearly, without circumlocutions and unintelligible excuses. It is also important not to overdo it, so as not to create unnecessary responsibility for your state of mind in the child. Example: “I get angry when you throw your things all over the apartment. Please put them back." The fifth principle follows from the previous one - when you talk about your experiences to your child, try to avoid the so-called “YOU - messages”, changing them to “I - messages”. For example, instead of: “You were rude to the teacher again,” say: “I’m worried about your relationship with the teacher. Let's try to think together what can be done now to resolve the situation? The phrase “Let's go together...” is also “magical”, since in any case it always encourages the child to willingly cooperate with each other. When a parent is open and sincere in expressing their feelings, the child becomes sincere in expressing theirs. Principle six - you cannot demand from a child what is impossible or unattainable for him at the moment. This includes: the child’s desire to explore the world (he still considers any way of learning acceptable for himself and this is wonderful!), or the difficulty of self-control in some situations (the area of ​​the human brain responsible for the ability to control begins to develop only from the age of 7 and continues to develop development at an individual pace). Instead, look at what you can change in your environment. From my own experience as a mother of a one-year-old child, I appreciated the absolute “need” of such devices as door and drawer stops, Velcro on cabinet doors and plugs for sockets. These simple things amazingly allow you to maintain peace and tranquility in the family. The idea is this: it is useless to demand from a child the impossible or very difficult for which he is not yet ready. It’s better to change something outside of it, in this case, your expectations. For parents of older children, there is another valuable piece of advice: instead of once again extinguishing your irritation because of the painted wallpaper or, better yet, the carpet in the living room, it is much easier to give your child finger paints and “legally” put him in the bathtub, and then calmly and effortlessly wash away traces of your baby’s creative expression. Or select one (!) wall where you can draw whatever comes to mind on the wallpaper! Everyone! What if you like it too..? And you can surprise your guests with a unique “designer” wall in the living room. The truth is simple! This principle, and all of the above as well, are good and important in any other relationship, including in the relationship between spouses. Principle seven is properly organized discipline, which allows you to avoid conflicts. I will give its main components. There should be bans, but in reasonable quantities and along with the bans there should also be incentives. It is better to punish a child not by making him feel bad, but by depriving him of encouragement. It is better to say parental demands in a friendly but firm voice. Restrictions should not conflict with the child’s natural desires (this means that you can run through puddles, this is an important stage in learning about the world, but in high rubber boots). All rules must be agreed upon by adults among themselves (so that what mother forbade is not permitted by the “kind” grandmother in secret from mother!). Inconsistency has a destructive effect on the child’s perception of the position of adults in general. It is also important to remember that the child ceases to perceive demands that are repeated constantly or shouted at all. In my practice, such a simple and interesting method has always worked successfully. To all (!) family members (of course with/